An Inner Revolution
by stripedheart
Summary: Never saw it as a start. It's more a change of heart.
1. Shoulders touch

**Shoulders touch**

My oxford is sticking to me. Its clinging to my shoulders and my back. Poofing out at the hips where my tiny skirt wraps around my waist. Catholic school uniforms. How much I despise wearing them. And how much I enjoy watching others wear them. Specifically, her.

I'm not wearing my backpack toady. Shocker. I know. Even if I was it wouldn't contain more than one book. Possibly a spiral. Hard-working student, I am not. My beatup old school shoes are flopping on my feet. The backs are practically gone. The actual shoe more duct tape than anything else. I glance down to make sure I haven't lost half of it somewhere behind me. Nope, still attached.

My friend's excited chattering brings me from my self-inspection. From my breif thought of her in her school uniform. I don't even recognize those thoughts anymore. They are so normal now. She flits in and out of my mind with an ease that I envy. I wish I could control that ease. Drag her from my thoughts when I should be concentrating on something else. Like my 300-point english essay last period which ended up more scribbles. Lazy A's turned into loose shapes. Realizing that I'm obssessing, I focus on the conversation next to me.

"So I told him that I didn't want to be a lobster for _homecoming_..."

I lose my focus.

These people aren't really my friends. They're just people who walk up next to me. They cling to my side. They try to gain my attention. I smile swiftly. I ignore them. I'm flicking my eyes around the hallway, letting them do the dance they know so well. Touch on a face, avoid the eyes, move on. I'm looking for her, whether I let myself realize that anymore. You should see me at lunch. You should see me when she's _in _my lunch. My mind starts to drift.

And then I see her.

By herself.

There's no one beside her. No one in front of her. No one behind her. There's a three foot area of emptiness around her. That never happens. She's always surrounded by her friends. But there's that emptiness. Other people scared of getting too close. I can't take my eyes from her face, so I just assume those people are freshmen. She can be kind of intimidating. Ok a lot intimidating. I would know.

_"What'd you order?" Her eyes are peering into mine. Testing me I think. I feel a shy smile creep up my face. A nervous smile. An invouluntary smile._

_"Chicken sandwich and a coke." I manage to mutter, forcing my mouth to form actual words. She nods, her dark brown eyes never leaving mine. They're so dark. So big. So...deep. I get so lost in them. Until I met her, I hadn't known what getting lost in someone's eyes meant. Now I do. Everything else loses focus. _

_She smiles. Her nose crinkles adorably._

_"Me too." I'm leaning against the Chik-fil-a counter, hands fluttering nervously, my friends waiting to the side. She's waiting as well. Its nearly nine o'clock and the resturant should be closed. They stayed open for us. My basketball team, I mean. God she's beautiful._

_And then her eyes leave mine. They go to her best friend, across the resturaunt. Her best friend who's calling to her._

_"Just a second!" She yells back. She turns and flashes me a grin. And then she disappears._

I'm still watching her, and the time is passing by gloriously slowly. I know her eyes will meet mine. I know I shouldn't let her catch me staring. I know I won't be able to help it. Each loose curl. Each sparkle in her eye. Each movement in her face as her eyes flick, almost nervously, over faces. She's doing the same dance I perfected. She's looking for something. She's waiting. And she's walking a couple feet from me.

And slowly, we come closer, and she's coming closer to _me_. Each step she takes veers right. Aims to me. She still hasn't met my eyes, but I have a feeling she can feel me looking. And then, with only a foot of space seperating us, she glances up.

And I am lost.

There is nothing friendly in her gaze. Nothing that should even remotely make me hope that she even notices me. But I know. And maybe in a couple minutes, I'll be doubting what I know and what she knows. But for now, I am certain. I am certain of the way her eyes stay on mine. I am certain of the trip time has made as it slows down for us. Her eyes say it all. I don't understand this feeling. I am utterly, completely stupid right now. You could ask me what my name was and I would tell you "brown".

And now she's barely a centimeter away from me. A second. A breath. Her eyes drop from mine. And I remember how to breathe. I remember that I kind of have to. And then, she brushes my shoulder. Her arms is against mine. Roughly. Almost pushing me. She's touching me. And every alarm I have going in my system is blaring, beeping, swiriling colorful lights through my brain. Telling me I have officially lost my mind.

And she's the one who stole it.

I feel an unexplainable smile creep up my face and I shove it down forcefully. I don't have a reason for smiles like that. None. I can still feel her shoulder on mine. I know she's somewhere behind me. I can feel it. I can feel it and I want to turn and look, but that would be way too obvious.

My eyes flick up from their steady inspection of the tiled floor. They meet my best friend's gaze at the end of the hall. She's watching me carefully and I know she knows. She so knows. How can she not know? And that old wash of anxiety doesn't even go through me. That's how much I know she knows. I don't even worry about it anymore. My gaze flicks around. I want to turn completley around and search down the hall. I can't. So I take control of my wandering eyes and focus them on the African-American girl at the end of the hall.

I fall back from the line that has swept me up and into step with Chloe. She flashes me one of her signature smiles. They say "I have a good life, so I'm gonna smile. Got a problem with it?" And in my brain I'm begging her to ask me about what just happened in the hall. To ask me about the brush. The touch. The eyes. I want to say her name. I want to talk about her. Chloe takes her sweet time. She knows. And she's gonna make me work for it.

"So, how was McGregor today?" I ask, breaking the comfortable silence. She shoots me a look of intense annoyance.

"The bitch? Bitchy." I smile ruefully.

"Nice use of adjectives." I say. She grins and I know I've passed my test of patience for today.

"So, what was that back there?" She asks. I fake innocence. I have to. Its a game we play. Both faking the hetero feelings that we wear for the world to see.

"What what?"

"You know, with the bump? You steal her coffee or something?" I laugh a little.

"Who, Ashey?" A thrill races through me when I say her name. The name I say to myself, just to hear it. The name from which so many of my feelings stem. So many insecurities. Chloe nods and I shrug. "I don't know. Kind of weird right?" I ask because I want- I need- a confirmation. I need to know that what I just felt, other people saw it. And that makes it real.

"Yeah, weird. You sure you didn't piss her off?" And I love Chloe, because now we're talking about her. And I know Chloe doesn't care. That she's only doing this for me. I feel a rush of adrenaline at just the thought of her. Of Ashley. And we're talking about her, which feels so against the rules.

"I don't think so. I never talk to her in p.e.." No, but I do stare at her. We have p.e. together. First period. Every morning. Basketball p.e., to be exact. In other words, hell. But its my favorite class. She's in it. Chloe shrugs and we keep walking. Somehow, we're now talking about the Dasboard Confessional concert coming up. But my mind is on her. And that shoulder touch. And those eyes.

And I am lost.


	2. Apples and oranges

**A****pples and oranges**

Hands everywhere.

Touching and grabbing and stroking and brushing and everywhere. Hands attached to lean tan arms that snake around waists and over jean-covered bottoms. And those jean skirts. Riding halfway up your ass, knees bent, backed into someone so close that you're almost sitting on them, their sweat dripping down your neck. Slick bodies that move effortlessly. Flat stomachs peeking from under barely there tank tops and bikinis, and strong abs that press against your back. Big rough hands that latch onto your waist.

Hands everywhere.

You can taste the heat. It radiates over the mass of bodies. It lifts in blurry waves. It paints everything wet. Dripping wet. I flick a bead of sweat off my forehead and taste the salt on my lips. I'm out of the swirl of moving bodies, taking a minute to breathe. Sitting on a sticky plastic table, a lukewarm beer in my hand, I watch the gyrating bodies. The way they move like they were born to do it. I wonder if I look like that, out there with all those bodies, moving so naturally that I don't even think about it. I wonder if I look that fucking _hot_. Hands wrap around my eyes from behind. More hands. But these are soft, and familiar.

"Guess who." A slightly slurred voice breathes into my ear, overtaking the noise of the party. I smile. I feel a tight stomach behind my head. Bare thighs pressed against my back. She's kneeling behind me, on this sticky sweaty table.

"Santa Claus?!" I ask excitedly, my voice edging on drunkenly happy. I've become good at faking it. My friends drink all the time. I can't. Muffled laughter echoes behind me.

"Are you calling me fat?" She asks, leaning back down, and I smile again, still utterly blind. Dark fingers stretched across my face. Streams of orange lights peeking through. All the touch should overwhelm me. It only feels familiar.

"No, I'm calling you Santa Claus." I answer. Fingers slid from over my eyes. Skipping over my chest, down to my stomach, they wrap unabashadley under my ribs. She leans forward, resting her chin on my shoulder. I tilt my head to the side. Touching her sweaty face with my own. Mixing our sweat the same way its been combined so many times before.

"Well..." She starts. I get ready for her drunken humor. She's always interesting when she's drunk. "I've got a _really_ great present for you." I can't help but smile at that. I can't help but look forward to the blind passion that looms before us. I can't help but keep touching her. And we both know what's to come. We both feel our heart speed a bit. We both prepare.

"When can I open it?" I ask slowly, turning my lips to her ear. Her insanely familair ear. Three piercings in a row. One silver, one diamond, another silver. How many times has my tongue sid between those familair rings? How many times have I tasted that edge? Her mouth curls.

"Whenever you want it hon. I'm all yours'." I smile because its true. She smiles because she thinks the same about me. I slide off the table, grabbing her hand in mine. We twist a path through bodies, crossing the mass of teenagers. Sweat that's not mine rubs against my already damp skin. It doesn't gross me out anymore. As much as it should. As much as I want it to.

I'm in the lead. I always am. She would take it, but I need it. We walk out of the house, onto the soft beach. The sand shifts through my toes, so much softer than the grainy California sand my feet still remember. And her hands. They drift already, grazing over my skin. Tracing what she already knows.

We end up by the pier. It looms over us, dark and towering. Our lips crash, connect, control. Words aren't even needed. We've surpassed empty promises long ago. The mood shifts. Connections retrace themselves, building up and falling apart in certain places. I feel that need creep up my stomach. I feel the world fade away.

There isn't a line.

Not between me and Sarah. There never has been. Where there's me, there's Sarah. Where I fall, she stands. Where I stumble, she struts. She's the orange to my apple. The pick to my guitar. The lyrics to my melody. But not the other half to my soul.

I don't think I've found that yet.

Clothes are discarded. Lips are forsaken for softer places. Fingers find tiny goosebumps and follow their trails. And soon we're on the sand. Spread out on a quick blanket of our tank tops. And then, she's inside me. And it feels like it does every other time. And I lose my head.

But not my mind.

I'm riding closer and closer to an edge that I can feel. I tumble over it, leaving only cries behind me. Its mindblowingly good this time. It wasn't the last couple of times. Tonight it is amazing. I think I know why. Because her face is in my mind. Herfingers are inside me. Her tongue tasting beind my ear. But Sarah's mouth is on mine. Taking in my cries. Tasting my pleasure. Slowly, I come back down. Her green eyes meet mine and I find myself wishing for deep brown ones. And I realize what is wrong with this picture. Sarah isn't her. She'll never be. And I'll never have her.

I'm obviously going crazy.

I think Sarah notices. She frowns, tugging her lips down into a movement they're not used to. I offer a spent smile. She takes it in, examines it, and returns it. And then snuggles down into me, her sticky hand against my bare stomach. And she's content. And I'm crazy.

I must be.


	3. Really now?

**Really now?**

Sometimes I think I must have been a saint in my past life.

And then everything crashes.

"Good morning..." A sing-song voice drifts into my ears. Small fingertips pull my eyelid up. My blurry gaze meets curious brown eyes.

"How did you get in my house?" I groan, rolling away from the tiny brunette on my bed. I can't see her, but I know she's smiling. I feel the bed bounce a little.

"You give me a key, retard." She hops off. Thank god. My head is pounding at the temples. My eyes are blood-shot, I'm sure. My throat is dry. The after-effects of a night full of Sarah. And this teeny midget-demon needs to get out of my room before I beat her upside the head. "Now get your ass out of bed so we can go to school." That phrase sounds so wrong coming out of her mouth that I have to react. I slowly lean up on my elbows and glare at her, bleary-eyed. School? She _wants_ to go to school?

"Who are you and what have you done with Jenna?" I ask, irritated. She grins wickedly.

"Get out of your freaking bed or I'll show you." She threatens, then turns in a swirl of movement. I stuff my head under a pillow. She's banging around in my bathroom, doing God knows what. She's making my head hurt worse, that's what. And now I'm talking to myself. I stayed up waay too late last night. Doing things I shouldn't have been dong. Dreaming of things I shouldn't have been dreaming of. Fucking someone I shouldn't have been fucking. In other words, the norm.

Finally, I swing my feet to the cool wooden floor. It slides slick under my toes. I push myself out of my bed, standing lightly on my feet. I feel bouncy and awake now. Sometimes I hate being a morning person.

"Seriously, what do you want? And what time is it?"

"Time for you to get up." She answers passively. She's rifling through my bathroom drawers. She rifling through my freaking life. But that's Jenna for you. She holds something up in the air and waves it around. Light glints off it and I pray it isn't what I think it is. I don't even remember why I have it. Probably some futile attempt at pretending to be straight. One of my eyebrows goes up.

"Please tell me what you need that for." She grins again.

"Health class." She's lying. She's lying because the corner of her mouth twitches. She's lying because she took health with me last year. She's lying and she never lies. She brushes past me and into my bedroom, throwing a pair of skinny jeans and a light blue t-shirt on my bed. "Dress."

I strip. Any semblance of modesty I used to have was erased a couple years ago. I can thank Sarah for that. I can thank Jenna for that. I can thank laziness for that. I slip on the t-shirt. There's a pocket on the left breast and the back says something like Surf 'n' Suds. A general beach shirt. I have too many of these.

"Tell me again. What do you need that condom for?" I ask.

"Health." She's on my computer. Probably going through my email. Maybe checking my facebook. She knows too much about me. I've given a piece of me to her. I've given an even bigger piece to Chloe. I've scattered these pieces to my best friends. Handed them out like I could take them back when I needed them. The thing is, when I really need them back, they come running. And I hold their pieces so carefully myself. "I'm burning a CD." She answers my unasked question.

"Are you seducing someone?" I ask accusingly. Condom. Mixed CD. Oh yeah, she's getting it on tonight. She laughs and shakes her head. There's something in that laugh that scares the hell out of me.

"No, you are." I pause. I frown. My mind goes to Ashley. God. I almost went fifteen minutes without thinking of her. Who could I possibly want to seduce besides her? That's right. No one.

"And exactly who am I seducing?" I ask, walking over and resting my chin on her shoulder. She shakes her head, brushing her hair over my face.

"I'm not telling." I raise my eyebrows. I'm not surprised. I'm not even put off. Its Jenna. My eyes run over the playlist. Girlfriend : Avril Lavigne. 4ever : the Veronicas. I Wanna Fuck You : Akon.

"Are you _trying_ to make me look like a man-stealing whore?" She laughs again.

"Go brush your teeth." She says. She pushes my face off her shoulder. I shake my head. Remind me again why I'm friends with these people?

Twenty minutes later and we're speeding in her car. Avril Lavigne is blasting from the stereo. Jenna _loves_ Avril Lavgine. It drives me up the wall. Its so Jenna.

_I wanna lock you up in my closet, when no one's around. I wanna put your hand in my pocket, because you're alllowed._

That's what's blaring through the speakers. My ears are seriously bleeding. Too much pop. I'm the girl who was blaring Jimi Hendrix at age six. I'm addicted to James Morrison. I rock out to Say Anything. I know every Modest Mouse song ever. I do not listen to Avril Lavigne.

I try to secretly switch it off. I fail miserably. Jenna reaches over and slaps me on the hand. I sigh good naturaully and try to turn my attention out the window.

"So, one hint at who I'm seducing?" I ask. She shakes her head. "Older?" I ask hopefully. She sends me a look.

"No. I'm setting you up with a freshie. Don't worry he's up to date on all his shots and I swear all that slobber is good for your health." I smile. I can't help it. She's so Jenna. There's no one like her. And she chooses me to wake up in the morning. I really was a saint in the past life. She reaches over and grasps my hand. Her fingers cover up the red mark where she just slapped me. It stirkes me as ironic. "I promise, you're gonna love him." I raise my eyebrows. Jenna's definition of a good guy is significantly different from mine. In a big way. Especially considering I don't have a definition of a good guy. I kind of dream more about good girls.

We reach the school and she parks in the senior parking lot. I'm a sophomore. She's a senior. I kind of forget sometimes. She's so little. So innocent. So...alright, that's complete bullshit. She jumps out of the car and points across the lot.

"That's him!" She says, sliding her aviators on. Her hot pink shirt stands out against all the black and blue decorating the lot. I follow her finger and my eyes reach the last person on earth I would want to seduce. The last person on earth I would ever talk to. The last person on every one of my lists.

Aiden Dennison.

One guess at who is currently wrapped around his arm. One guess at who he's been on/off dating for three years now. One guess at why my world is about to crash.

I'll tell you.

Ashley fucking Davies.


	4. After the sunrise

**After the sunrise.**

"Jenna." I can hear it in my voice. That warning. That nervous drop. That crush. But, its not for Aiden. She turns and smirks at me.

"Aiden Dennison." I almost roll my eyes. I knows what's coming next. She's gonna list every single thing he does at this school. Ashley Davies will come up sooner or later, but I won't interrupt Jenna. I want to hear her name. I want to know about her.

Simply put: I. Want. Her. Unbeliavably so.

"Point guard on the basketball team. PTA president." I roll my eyes at that. Only here in deep south Alabama would there be a club called "Professional Tailgating Association." Only here would it be cool to join it. "Usually dating Ashley Davies." My heart skips a beat. What is it about her? It drives me effing crazy. "Currently single." And my heart leaps. I interrupt.

I can't help it.

"Wait, single? He and Ashley broke up?" I don't know why her name rolls so easily past my lips. I don't know why I care. Besides, they break up every other second. But there's something final about the way Jenna says it. About the two across the parking lot. Something final about what I feel. She gives me a weird look.

"You should know, she did it in p.e. yesterday." I frown. I search my memory for what I was doing yesterday at first period.

Oh.

Sleeping off Sarah. Same as today. Same as almost every day.

"I skipped. Why'd they break up?" I ask and I look over to where they're standing. To her hand on his arm. "Are you sure they're not back together?" I'm edging on odd now. I'm skating around obsessive. I take a short breath. She nods.

"Yep. She officially only wants to be friends. And no one has any idea why she broke up with him. She just ended it." Jenna shrugs. Her whole demeanor changes. Shifts from gossipy into happy in such an obvious manner that I'm pulled along with her. I'm yanked forward beside her. "Ok, I'm going to go give this stuff to Jason." My eyes narrow. She grins widely and starts to walk off.

"Jenna. I effing hate you." Her grin only widens.

"I love you too Spence!"

IOIOI

Senior hall looks like a fucking tornado ripped through it. Although maybe that's the point. The senior pep rally theme this week is Shakeup Seniors.Yeah. Seriously. By the sixth week the SGA is running low on ideas. The truth is, we may all be rich bored potheads but there's one thing we've got. School spirit.

No shit.

I was surprised too my freshmen year. The band geeks. The popular kids. Hell even the anti-establishment fuck-ups throw on a little bit of black and blue come game day. And you should see senior hall the day of our first football game. You can't make out the doors. Or the walls. Sometimes its hard to determine where the flipping floor is.

This is our sixth game. Our sixth major waste of construction paper and tape. Our sixth day of forgetting that we're all so seperate. I smile a bit. I'm thinking of the pep rally tomorrow. Me and Chlo usually end up in the middle of the seniors. Mosh pit anyone?

"Hey Spencer." He's at school? My eyes find their way to my brother. Glen. He was partying harder than anyone last night. He should be passed out on the beach still.

"You're awake?" I ask, disbelieving. He nods. He smirks. And I remember why I fucking hate him. Aviators are slipping down his nose. His eyes are already bright though, much to my envy. He bounces back in seconds. My fingers snatch the glases off his face. I slide them one, not even thinking about it. He rolls his eyes.

Then, arms snake around his stomach. I try to hide my distaste of his girlfriend. Madison. Ehh. Gag. Could anyone be any more slutty than that girl?

"Hey Spence." She coos. I roll my eyes behind the silver lenses.

"Hey Mad." I say, trying to keep sarcasm out of my voice. "So, I gotta go." I turn and leave. Its kind of an instinct when it comes to Madison.

I'm wandering senior hall because I don't feel like walking to the other building to the sophomore hall. Then I'd just have to turn around and go back for first period in the gym. My school is split into two buildings. Cart and Robinson. They used to be girl/boy buildings, but now its just Robinson Cart High. Robinson Cart Catholic High School.

Yeah.

I know.

Shoot me.

I spot Kaley kneeling at her locker. Its partially covered by tattered blue paper. She's trying to find her books through all of it. I start smiling watching her. The aviators are slipping down my nose still. The sleeves of my Surf 'n' Suds shirt are cuffed a few times. My dark blue skinny jeans end where my grey flats begin. My hair is pulled into a loose ponytail. Thanks to Jenna, I embody the perfect Robinson popular student. I'm usually too lazy to do that.

I walk over to Kaley and lean against the locker next to her's. She's had a crush on me for a year. She hasn't done anything about that crush. She never will. Catholic high school remember? But I like to flirt with her. She likes to flirt with me. We're friends. It works.

"How much do you want to fuck me right now?" I deadpan, leaning beside her. My voice is a bit raspier than usual. My body more slanted. My smile more telling. Her eyes shoot up. I think she likes me the way I like Ashley. She chuckles quietly, but her eyes are too dark for jokes.

"More than you'd believe." She smirks. We both see the truth casually displayed in those words. Things happen when you get a few shots into someone. Things happen with all that built up emotion. I pause. I raise my eyebrows and smile.

"Wow, I almost bought that for a second." I tease. She shakes her head.

"You know you're my favorite sophomore Spence... but you are too gullible." I'm sliding the aviators off. I'm using my clear blue eyes to my advantage. I'm making her fall. But I've forgotten how to catch her. I smirk a little. I see her hazel eyes darken. And then Ashley Davies walks past. Kyla's arm is linked in her's. Kyla turns her head and grins at me, pulling her sister to a halt.

"Hey Spencer!" She grins. I grin back, shakily. Any confidence I felt while flirting with Kaley has shattered before Ashely's feet.

"Hey Kyla." I'm smiling but I'm scared as hell. I train my eyes on Kyla's face and try to ignore the fact that Ashley is looking right at me. I try to pretend she's not there. I try and I fail miserably. I'm seeing Kyla's eyes, but I'm really looking at Ashley. Periphial vision is a bitch. Thanks Coach Gary. It really does come in handy. Just not for basketball.

"How's basketball going?" She asks. Kyla was my big sister on the soccer team. Kyla was the reason I know Ashley. I shrug.

"Fine, you know-" Strong arms wrap around me shoulders. A head lands on top of mine.

"Did you do your math homework?" A deep voice asks from above me. Tyler. Ex-boyfriend. Good friend. Asshole. Unfourtanately I love him anyway.

And I know how this must look, but its not that. I want Ashley to know that. Not that it matters. Kyla gives me a look. I know what's she's thinking. I smirk automatically, just to lead her on. I'm a pro at creating drama. She opens her mouth in surprise. I can still feel Ashley's eyes. They're burning a hole in my cheek. They're burning a hole in my heart.

"_Tom_ did my math homework." I lean my head back to look up at impossibly tall Tyler. "Its in my locker."

"Sweet!" He removes his arms and starts jogging down the hall. He's a junior. I feel like I have to classify them. My friends I mean. Their different ranks. Their different personalities. Their different lives. I turn back to explain to Kyla my real relationship with Tyler. To explain to Ashley. But Ashley is pulling Kyla down the hall. Kyla looks back and waves, grinning her happiness for me. I smile back, but my eyes stay on Ashley's straight back. Her hurried footsteps.

What does that mean?


	5. Hardships

**Hardships.**

She looks angry today.

Her eyes don't flick. They don't dance. They stare straight ahead, carving out a path before her. I'm not surprised that there's no one beside her today. She'd probably bite their head off. Probably already has.

But my eyes still follow her. They trace every move she makes. They etch her face into my mind. They still want her. I want all of her. She's coming closer and her face looks strained. I don't get it. She looks focused. Self-controlled. Then, her eyes flick to mine.

She glares.

She's never glared at me before. Never. There's always something in her eyes. Some quiet control. Sometimes she seems friendly. Sometimes she's tired. Sometimes she's happy. She plays her emotions out to me, expressing everything in those brown orbs. And yeah, sometimes she's mad. But its never been directed at me. That anger has never been shoved in my face, pushed at me like I should feel for it.

Like I caused it.

I feel this hurt in my chest. She's glaring at _me_. I cover it with indignant anger almost immeadiatley. She doesn't have a right to look at me like that. I don't know her. Don't talk to her. I haven't done anything to her. That's my excuse. I'm a stranger.

She skipped first period this morning. Even though I saw her earlier, with Kyla, I found myself missing her. Watching the door for her. I sucked at drills. Well, worse than usual. She's never skipped. Ever. When I'm there, she's there, sitting by the door. Scribbling homework and listening to music. Texting on her phone. Smiling to herself. And I watch her. And I smile too.

This hurts.

And soon I'm beating myself up over it. Wondering what I could have done to hurt her. Wondering if Jenna gave Aiden that stuff. Wondering about Ashley Davies.

Nothing new.

But it is.

Because now, I have a reason to. I have a reason to pick apart why someone would glare at me, and I can't even enjoy that. I can't enjoy thinking about her, because it hurts.

Wow. I'm messed up.

So I try to forget it. I try to forget that look in her eyes. I try to take it in and flip it around, send it back to her. But I can't. I don't have a reason to be mad at her. I rarely have a reason to be made at anyone. It feels foreign to me. The same way that glare felt like it was coming from someone else.

"Hey, Spencer!" There's a familiar voice behind me. I'm almost at my chem class, a building and eight minutes past Ashley's angry eyes. No where near being over them. Clay is jogging after me.

"Hey Clay." I smile. He smiles back, breifly. He's always been distant, ever since he...well, that's not important. I try not to notice anymore.

"Mom wants you to pick up Lilly's on your way home." He tells me. I nod. He frowns a little.

"What's up?" He asks, but I only shrug.

"Nothing." Me and Clay, we don't...We just don't anymore. There's none of that closeness anymore. No remnant of childhood tumbles and tasks. No steady arms and constant hearts. I can't-we just don't. He looks at me and I know the look is mirrored in my eyes. Its the look of two people who are fumbling desperately with each other's feelings, seeing them slide through our fingers but still attempting to put them all back together and return them. Grasping at dusty handholds that are worn with wear from years ago, trying to scramble back up to where we made sense. Where this made sense. Trying to make it better.

"Spence." He starts, but I just paste a plastic smile on my face and cut him off. We gave up on this thing a while ago. No use ripping it apart again. No use peeling off the duct tape. That's all it is now anyway.

I'm having a bad day.

I drop into my seat and turn my eyes to my desk. That's where I plan on keeping them. That's where I'm gonna direct my attention, because there's no way I'm gonna learn anything at all. Its only my third class and I'm already scattering. Pieces of me, scattering.

Arms wrap around my shoulders.

A smile creeps up on my face, despite the thoughts racing in my mind. Addie. She grins at me. Tilting her head to the side to gaze into my eyes. Fuck she has gorgeous eyes. They're the prettiest eyes I've ever seen in my life. Blue and green fight for dominance in those eyes. Hearts are found and lost in that soft gaze. And you know the funny thing? I could look in those eyes forever and not feel any of what I know when I look into Ashley Davies.

I guess that's why brown is my favorite color.

Lucky for me, Addie is my anti-drug. She's the girl who jumps in and out of my life, leaving me comfortably relaxed each time she goes again. She repairs the fraying nerves shaking in my mind. And she always knows when to hop back in. I feel kind of guilty that she only sees me half-broken. But she's Addie, and she fixes.

She slides into the seat next to mine and I realize that she's not even in this class. It doesn't matter to her. Or to me. Her fingers slide over my hand, soft and cool. They're my steady waves, those fingers. They flutter on the desk, they flutter on my hand. They flutter with such an intent that I take them in my hand. I try to take some of that intent. I need a purpose. She squeezes my hand and even though I'm not looking, I can see her steady smile, lingering on her face.

And suddenly, I feel better.

I can see Addie's world through those fingers. The one she lives in. The one she pulls other people into. She doesn't even say anything. That always present smile says it all. Her world is all soft corners and cushions. She takes each hardship life gives her and she wraps it up in bubble tape. Hides it underneath that smile. Takes it out when she feels steady enough to take it.

And she smiles.

And I feel weak. I feel weak as I look at those wave-fingers, those strong fingers with pale white strings running up and down them. I feel weak because she is so strong. And so shattered. I feel a rush of love for this girl. This girl who fixes others even as she fixes herself. I look over at her, to share what I now know. But I spot a fresh bruise on her collarbone. Purple and yellow, her shirt slides a bit, revealing it.

"Stay at my house this weekend Addie." I say suddenly, breaking the mute between us. She meets my eyes and her hand immediatley runs up to pull her shirt closed. I can't make myself smile, but I won't frown either. She nods.

"Ok." Her smile still lingering, she pulls it all the way up to a grin. She takes her hand slowly from mine. "I'll meet you after school tomorrow."

"Ok." She's still grinning and she walks out the classroom door. And I take a deep breath.

And I smile too.


	6. Ooooooo

_Ashley's POV_

_**- - -**_

The glare's still on my face. I can't seem to get it off. I hurt every time I think of Spencer. She didn't derserve what I gave her. The way her eyes widened when she caught my eyes.

I'm a bitch.

But I can't help it.

Every time I see her. Every time a boy wraps his arms around her. Every time I can't touch her. I get jealous. Which is so fucking insane. She's not mine in even the slightest sense. She's so far from being mine that she might as well be his. Aiden's. Fucking Aiden.

It had been so long that I couldn't even remember why I was dating him. So I broke up with him. That's my excuse. That's what I told him. But its really her.

Its really Spencer.

Its every time I steal her eyes in the hallway. Its something hidden there. Something she doesn't have when she's talking with her friends. I don't know what it is, but I hope that its not fear. Or revulsion. I don't think its either. And when I'm looking into her, I know its not either. Its the hours inbetween that kill me. Its the second guessing. The over obsessing.

That's going in my next song.

The glare's starting to slide from my face. Its because I'm thinking of her. Her smile when she's laughing. The dertermination evident when she's on the court. I am so head over heels for this girl. And she's so unreachable.

I sit down in my math class and turn in my seat to talk to Kyla. She's deep in conversation with Chloe Rider, Spencer's best friend. The girl I never talk to because I wouldn't be able to stop talking about Spencer. She notices me and grins. I barely return it.

Yeah.

I'm a bitch today.

Kyla asks me something about football and I'm pulled back into the real world. Out of these thoughts that place themselves, one after another, in my brain. Continually stretching out in a line of denied emotions and rejected fears. Its these thoughts that make me sane. My life is so crazy. It is so uncontrolled, so wild. But these thoughts, they're reliable. Straight and strong, like building bricks of emotions. They remain in my brain every day, every night. They kept me here.

She keeps me here.

"No, probably not." I answer, sitting back and crossing my legs. Kyla frowns.

"Why not?" I can see Chloe's eyes on me from the corner of my eye, but she doesn't seem like the kind of person to gossip around the school. "You always go to the football games." I shrug.

"Yeah, for Aiden. Now I don't have to." Kyla studies me for another second, but then shrugs. She understands me. She knows I hate football. She knows I hate him. And she knows I'm tired of masks and fake smiles. I was never good at them, but they never broke me like they did when I wore them for Aiden.

I'm feeling fidgety now. Twitchy. It takes all of my self-control to keep my body still. So still. So perfectly fucking still. My heart is beating steady in my chest, drumming out a beat that tells me life is short. I can feel that impulse coming, the one that washes over me. The one I can't deny. Kyla notices.

"Ash, we have a test today." She warns me. I look over at her. I know I look confident, but inside I'm quaking. Inside I can't control myself. Inside, I'm gonna do this. I'm flying toward this desicion. The same one I make every week, every day, every minute. The desicion not to care. The desicion branded in me from birth. Those genes are burning in me, tracing themselves on my soul, seeping into my brain. Changing me.

Thanks dad.

I stand up. I shoulder my backpack. I straighten my skirt. And I walk out. Kyla's eyes are watching me the whole way. Chloe's eyes are questioning me the whole way. But I need release. I need freedom. I need to break a rule, to feel alive. To feel like I have some sort of control over my life.

And she's there. She's a steady brick in my mind. My body is shaking and the girl, the girl I don't know at all, is quieting it. And for the millionth time, I think about what it would be like to really have her. Have her touch me. Have her be _here_.

I'm in the parking lot. I'm climbing into my Spider. I'm pulling out a slim cigarette with shaky fingers. I sit there, smoking it steadily. Breath after breath. Some of that instinct is faded, left behind when I walked out those strong doors. Left under the cross over the door. Left with all those expectations and judgements.

I broke a rule.

And I feel better.

And my shaky body. My quivering fingers. My tapping toes. They fade under my steady brain. Because I can't control my action, but I don't need to control my thoughts.

She keeps me here.


	7. Come right out

**Come right out.**

The gym is buzzing, voices layering each other till they build into a steady thrum. I can feel it through these familiar gym floors. The roar is coming. The call to the players, the one that drives me on in the fourth quater when I can hardly breathe.

But today, its not directed at me.

Today, the volleyball players take the court, and I'm just another spectator. Crammed on the squeaky bleachers between my best friends. Helping to build that supportive roar.

Today, I'm very appreciative of spandex. Even as Tyler wraps his fingers around my shoulder, nudges his hip into my side, places his foot next to mine. Even as I am overly-aware of his touch, I'm watching those girls on the court.

I'm watching my first crush.

The girl I crushed on for half a year. The girl who taught me just how devastating and obsessive teenage love can be. Though God knows if it really was love. She stands a few feet away from me, still as gorgeous as ever. Still as breathtaking. Still Callie Otto, the girl who shoved the word _gay_ in my face.

Repeatedly.

And yet, I'm still very appreciative of spandex.

I don't feel the same way about her as I used to. Thank god. But I still have those echoes, those streaks of feelings. And it feels good to watch her and like her and not be attached to her.

Unlike the girl standing exactly ten people over and two rows down from me. The girl with curly brown hair and soft tan skin. The girl who drags my eyes over until I've completely given up on any hope of a simple _guess_ at what the score of the game might be. Until I'm forgetting myself, because she's making me daydream. I finally sigh and edge around a couple juniors in front of me. Tyler reaches for my arm.

"Where are you going?" He yells above the screams. I look back just a little.

"Locker room!" I call over my shoulder. I move along the front of the bleachers, trying not to step onto the volleyball court, only inches from me. Its a precarious position, and since its me, it usually means I'm about to lose that position.

And then something hits me.

I fall backwards, into a sea of people in my own grade. Their hands find my arms, shoulders, pull me up effortlessly. I look down at the person lying before me. Callie Otto. Of course. I mean, why not? Her surprised eyes find mine.

"I'm so sorry." She gushes, and I offer her my hand to help her stand up. She grabs it and lifts herself off the floor. I laugh it off, a real smile falling across my lips.

"Its no problem." She smiles back, a laugh edging behind her lips. I laugh and she joins me. I just busted my ass because a volleyball player landed on me. Wow. That's my life. She touches my arm again and goes back into the game. I smile gently and keep walking. If that had happened a year ago I would have started jumping for joy. I would have had some sort of estatic fit. Now I just feel sentimental. Its funny how life changes you.

I glance up to the right and, forgetting exactly where I was, I meet her eyes. Its funny how some things refuse to change. They're still as dark as ever. Still as uninviting and hostile as ever. Still as gorgeous as I'll always remember them.

I look a little to her left, that familiar shoot of nervousness and exhiliration drenching my stomach in some sort of anticipation- of what I'm not sure. I meet Aiden Dennison's eyes. Effectively dousing my high. But he hangs onto Ashley like Tyler hangs onto me. Grasping for something that disappeared years ago. But who knows, maybe it just looks that way. Or maybe it looks as it feels. And in that case, she's too far from him for him to even realize it. She's something different than what he's holding in his mind.

But, then again, my feelings have been known as untrustworthy.

Especially when it comes to her.

He holds my gaze a few seconds longer than would be polite. Than would be comfortable, so I look away. Its such a clean break, such a natural slide. Its nothing like the concious drag I invoke when it comes to her. Its not hard, its much too easy. Its not concious, its instinct.

I bounce down the locker room stairs, my heart lifted by her eyes and Callie's smile. For some reason, no matter how many dark and distant looks she sends my way, I can still remember the bright ones. The ones I steal from her when we're both caught by surprise, open and vunerable. In practice, coming around a corner in a school hallway, times when that pleasant look on her face doesn't fade when she catches my gaze. When it merely grows. And for some reason, the fact that she even looks at me at all makes me happy.

My fingers trace along the blue-painted walls, running over the varsity names. Purposely skipping over her name, trying to cut her out of my thoughts. I pause and trail my fingers back. They drift over her name, tracing the letters scribbled there. I shake my head from my trance, trying to remember why I would shake her from my mind. Toss her from my heart. Maybe to make things easier? Make them simple, like they used to be. Before my wandering eyes and daydreaming heart took over my usually rational mind.

I unzip my gym bag, trying to come up with a reason to be down here. I don't really have one. Actually, I don't have one at all. I just used it as an excuse to evade Tyler. Tyler and his wandering fingers. So instead of leaving, I drop down on a couch between the varsity and jv locker rooms and speed dial the one number I know will always be answered.

"What?" Not that its always answered happily.

"Hey Chlo!" I smile. I love waking her up. She sleeps too damn much. She groans over the phone.

"We're no longer friends." She says. I just grin.

"Guess what I got you for your birthday?" I ask. That makes her pause.

"Spence, my birthday isn't until December."

"So?"

"Its September." I fake sigh.

"Chloe, you've got to live it up a little. You obviously have to buy concert tickets in advance."

"Wait, concert?" She asks excitedly. If anything can wake her up, its music. I click the phone on speaker and toss on the couch next to me.

"Yep. Wanna know who?" I ask. Footsteps click down the locker room stairs. I look over, expecting Jenna or Rachel. Its Ashley. Her eyes peer over at me and she offers a rare smile. Rare to me, at least. I return it, full blast.

"Of course I wanna know!" Chloe's loud voice yanks me into the world. You know, not the one that I causally create every time Ashley enters my line of sight. No, unfourtanately, I have to live in this one every now and then. I manage one word.

"Guess."

"Fuck you." She returns quickly, returning me too the real world just as fast. I laugh.

"Well, see, that's no way to get tickets." I say. She groans frustrated.

"Spencer Carlin. Don't make me use the middle name." She warns. I glance over at Ashley, who's watching, amused. Her hands are in her gym bag, but I catch her eyes looking my way. Simple curiousity, I tell myself. She tilts her head at my gaze, questioning something.

"You wouldn't dare." I tease, eyes still locked with the brunette. She grins at me from across the room. I smile back, then turn my eyes to the phone. Trying to ignore my racing heart. Trying to pull my mind back into this conversation and out of those dark brown eyes. But my brain feels over active, like its trying to compensate for my suddenly deadened wit.

"Try me."

"Ok, ok. I'll tell you." I pause. My eyes go to Ashley's again, almost unable to keep my eyes away, and I find the amused smile still playing across her face. I smirk. Just when Chloe's about to burst, I open my mouth. "Modest Mouse." I say simply. Chloe shrieks. Like, seriously. They're her favorite band and she's never seen them live.

"Ohmygod, Spencer you are my best friend! Seriously, I love you so much!" I smile softly.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm going with you, so its just as good for me." I can practically hear her grin over the phone.

"Ohmygod!" My smile's growing and I shake my head. I love making my friends happy.

"Ok, I'm gonna go back to game." I say, swinging my feet off the couch. I scoop up the phone.

"K. I'm gonna call everyone I know." I laugh.

"K Chlo. Bye."

"Bye." I snap the phone shut and slid it into the back pocket of my jeans. I look up to find those big brown eyes on me. Its always disconcerting to look up and have your heart stolen.

I feel like I should say something, or look away, but I can't do either. I'm stuck here, steadily edging into awkward. Sliding into the unattractive. There are certain lines you have to live behind, when you're sitting cross-legged in that metaphorical closet, peeking your nose out to see if anyone recognizes it. Certain looks you have to curb. Hugs you have to ignore. Words you can't say. I learned those subtle actions so long ago that they come second nature to me. But for some reason, every time I'm around her that knowledge totally escapes my brain.

I feel helpless.

I finally smile, trying to do something to ease the awkwardness. She smiles back.

"Practice starts next week." She says, her voice clear and raspy and echoing in the empty locker room. I roll my eyes. They match with my flipping stomach. My tingling skin as _she_ talks to _me_. I study her face, trying to photograph it into my brain.

"Shoot me now." I say, the smile growing on my face. I'm talking to Ashley Davies. I think I'm blushing. Wow, I can't remember the last time I blushed. See what this girl does to me? She chuckles in agreement.

"Yeah, Coach Gary can be a bitch." She says, an amused smile still on her lips. "Are you trying out for varsity?" I shake my head automatically. I'm used to that question.

"Nah, I'm good with JV." She frowns a little.

"You're definitely good enough to be on varsity." She says and my heart soars. There's nothing quite like your biggest crush telling you something like that. My smile grows a little, but I just shrug it off.

"JV is comfortable." I say. _And plus, if I was on a team with you, I wouldn't get anything done. Of course, I would also get to see you all the time. Its kind of a problem_. She raises an eyebrow.

"You should go for varsity." She states. I tilt my head, my nervousness fading under my curiousity.

"Why?" I ask, with that Spencer Carlin frankness I'm famous for. Or maybe infamous. One brown curl is hanging over her eye. She blows it out of her face and I'm pretty sure I just swooned. She places her hands on her hips. Then she shrugs, a sheepish smile on her face. There's something she's not saying.

"I don't know, you just should." I squint my eyes a little, trying to read into that sentence. Trying to read her. Then, my phone rings loudly in my hand. I glance down at it, almost shocked that its there. I tend to forget everything but those eyes. And my racing heart thats skipping into my stomach. I couldn't forget that if I tried.

"Hello?" I answer, my eyes finding her's again as I pull the phone to my ear. They meet her's and I slide them away guiltily. They return again, quickly.

"Hey baby. You coming over tonight?" Sarah's soft voice comes through the phone. It takes a minute for her words to register, since my eyes are locked with Ashley's.

"Uh, yeah." I mutter. "I'll call you back in five minutes, k?" Sarah pauses and I can hear her questions over the phone.

"Ok, hun." The dial tone drones into my ear and snap the phone shut. My eyes travel back over to Ashley's. She smiles, but it's not as comfortable as it was a minute ago.

"My mom." I shrug. I lie. She nods, smile still in place. It widens a bit. Her eyes and her nose crinkle with it and my heart stutters in my chest. I grin back.

"So, I'm gonna head back up." She says. And she gestures at the stairs, but she doesn't move. I nod my agreement. One step towards the stairs. She matches it. Another, another, till we're both standing at that doorway, not moving. And she's as close to me as she's ever been. There's a little dark freckle on her jaw. I smile again, involuntarily, and then step around her. Something soft and spicy drifts from her and my knees go weak.

Each step up the stairs, with her trailing behind me, is pure heaven. No, pure hell. Pure purgatory. This perfect purgatory that I reside in. I've permanately moved in here. Carried in my big soft armchair. There's a refrigerator full of champagne and chocolate. I'm living out every personal limbo I ever had a nightmare about. I'm stuck in this tiny place, wedged between confidence and fear.

And I'm so, so crazy.

About her.


	8. All the reformations

**All the reformations.**

One Week Ago

_I usually don't get in trouble._

_Usually._

_But I love my iPod._

_Those words should explain it all. I'm completley addicted. And sometimes I just need to listen to it._

_Which explains why I'm sitting in the discipline office talking to the secretary/tennis coach. Why my iPod is now locked in the vice-principal's office. And why my brain is going a billion miles an hour. Because guess who's the office aide?_

_"What teacher?" Her rough voice cuts into my conversation. I turn to find her eyes studying me. I temporarily forget how my mouth works. Luckily, my body remembers._

_"Uh..Washer." Her eyes stay connected to mine. Her head tilts down. As if she wants to write down the name I just told her. As if she can't. Her eyes are stilled, meeting calmly with mine. She finally gives up. I can see it in the drop of her shoulders. A rush seeps through me. Maybe...but no. Yeah right. _

_I wish. _

_"Your team is gonna kill you Carlin." She says and smirks. The words take a second to process. Oh my god. She's talking to me. My eyes widen a little bit. Calm down Carlin. Great. Now I'm talking to myself. She knows my name...She's knows everyone's name, you play basketball with her. Ok, answer!?_

_"Yeah, I hope not." I play JV. She plays Varsity. If somebody gets a detention, the whole team has to run. And Coach always finds out. Always. She looks like she wants to say more. I want her to say more. Finally, she tears her eyes down and starts scribbling on the paper._

She seems everywhere. Everywhere I turn, she's there. Truthfully, half the time I'm looking for her. But the other half she's just there. Maybe that's why I'm crushing on her so much. I remember the first time I turned to see her watching. I don't think she's stopped yet.

It was our first game of the season. Our first real game, the first time I would see the score glaring on the board. The first time I would see it change each time I dropped that ball through the net. Each time I did what I do best.

We were all sitting in the gym, the golden brown floors shiny and smelling like basketball. I remember my parachute pants because those always defined basketball for me. The black swishy pants that slid over my legs. And my hoodie over just a sports bra. I felt like a basketball player. I always feel like a basketball player.

My whole team-the freshmen team- was sitting on the bleachers and I was stretched out on the ground before them. The center of attention whether I planned it or not. We were supposed to be making posters for our friends on JV, but we were talking. And laughing. And being us. I don't remember who threw the first balled up paper-it was probably me-but soon we were firing them back and forth.

I was laughing so hard, getting pelted repeatedly because everyone was facing me. And I turned my head to the left, because someone was sitting down there and I could feel them watching us. And I met her eyes. Even from where I was lying I could see the brown. I looked away first, quickly, because it freaked the hell out of me. Honestly? Scary. How would you feel if you were a teeny freshmen and you turned around to see a gorgeous popular junior who smoked and drank on the weekends and had her own car and she was just _staring straight_ at you? Fucking terrifying.

And I didn't like her then. I didn't like her when I should have, when she was friendly and talked to me and tried to make me feel welcome. Tried to make me feel like part of the team. No, I liked her after I had pushed her away so many times. After I had hidden behind shy smiles and a lost voice.

And I really really regret that.

lllllllllll

Its effing freezing out here.

Actually, its about 30 degrees out here. But to a girl who grew up in southern California and now lives in southern Alabama, this is freezing. This is wrap me up in a blanket and stay inside all day freezing. This is calling for someone you love's warm arms. I swear I can't feel my nose. It probably fell off.

Me, Chloe, Jenna, and Addie are wrapped up in a blanket. I'm wedged between Kaley and Chloe and warmer than I've been all day,. Which, of course, is why we have to score a touchdown at that exact moment. Off the blanket goes, our arms rising in the air, grins on our faces. There's something about that collective grin, shout, movement that makes you happy. Makes you welcomed. We're winning 27 to 6 now-we're always winning-and I'm bored. She's not here today. She usually sits in the front, where I can watch her curly brown hair while pretending to watch the game. Where I can see her dark brown eyes when she turns to talk to someone behind her.

We start to sit down, but I edge past Kaley to the end of the row.

"I'm going to get something to drink, want anything?" I offer. Chloe grins hopefully and I sigh, but smile. "Chicken on a stick, ok." Jenna doesn't eat in the cold and Addie is a vegetarian who can share my coke, so I start down the stairs. The railing's biting into my fingers. Its so effing cold.

I'm such a wuss.

I've made it to underneath the stands and down the long, almost empty hallway when Max catches up to me. He slides an arm around my shouler. I grin and breathe him in, wapping my arm around his waist. Stealing some of his body heat. He smells like Hollister cologne, which is so gay. Exactly why its perfect for him. He grins back, showing off pearly whites. The one openly gay student at Robinson Cart High. The fourth person ever to know the truth about me.

Yeah, I'm still in the counting stage.

"Its freezing." I say as we start down the sloping walk. He squeezes my shoulders.

"Its good for your hair." He tells me. I figure he knows what he's talking about since he has _way_ better hair then me. It flops over his eyes adorably, a little spiky in the back. I wish he wasn't so flagrantly gay because I would so convinence date him. Maybe even convince myself he was straight. He's the sweetest guy I know-well, second sweetest-and he just _gets _it. "So how is she?" See? He just knows. I shrug under his embrace.

"She's..her." He gets that too. That nothing changes. We're back in the cold, by the fried-junk-stand. Jenna called it that one night when she was a freshman and it just stuck. Seriously. That's what's written in gaudy letters above the plywood box. He's ordering a fried snickers when I see a red light flare beneath the bleachers at the end zone. I turn my head that way as it fades out. My eyes peer into the darkness and I see her. Ashely Davies. Smoking a cigarette beneath the end zone bleachers. I almost smile its so predictable. So her.

There's this doubt I hold. This doubt that sometimes seizes me with such certainity that I can't even entertain the thought of kissing Ashley. Of even liking her. This doubt that grows in me from so much second-guessing. Second-guessing drilled into me from Catholic grade school. Drilled so deep into me that it snaps at the edges of my confidence. Snaps where I'm already thread-bare and broken. It's the whole sexuality guessing.

The sexuality second-guessing.

And as I'm standing there, watching her possibly watch me, it gnaws at my thoughts. It creeps up and steals the confidence that I harbor. Steals and twists it, pushing itself into every emotion I can recall. She's not gay. No way someone that beautiful could be gay. No way she could be into you. Gay is wrong. And she is so right, that she couldn't be that wrong.

And as usual, the thought takes over my mind. Slips in and, before I even have time to realize it, seeps into every one of my dreams. Colors them with countless doubts and insecurities. The insecurities that I have worked so hard to see through. To get rid of. They haven't shown their faces in weeks, but here they are, once again coming to claim what they believe to be their's. What I know is so totally mine.

So I shove them away.

I shove them away with such ferocity, with such intent, that they are rolling back into that black corner of my mind. That black corner where they should stay. And I'm filled with that new confidence. The one that comes from seeing the strength you have in yourself. So I keep staring. I keep watching her and I keep telling myself that she can be mine. That she can be looking back.

I'm remembering that conversation in the locker room the day before. And her noticable absence from school today. I'm curious. And I'm crushing. And that mixture of emotions is never, ever, a good thing.

Max follows my gaze and grins when he sees her.

"Oh, we're so going for it." He says, grabbing my hand. He's already pulled me halfway there when I realize what we're doing. He's taking me there, to her. Oh fuck no. I squeeze his hand desperately in mine.

"Max." I plead, trying not to let it show on my face. His grin just widens. Great. So I take a breath and get ready. Get ready to face a fear. To face a girl. A girl who shouldn't scare me as much as she does. And then we're there, standing next to her. And she's putting her cigarette out with her Converse and grinning at Max. She's wrapping him in a hug and her eyes are finding mine. And that look is growing in her gaze. I smile back. She smiles wider. Pulling back from Max she keeps my eyes.

"Hey, Spencer right?" She says, her voice steady. I notice because I'm sure mine will break.

"Yeah." It doesn't. I smile, a genuine smile, and offer my hand. She takes it. She takes my hand. Let me repeat that. She grabbed my hand. I touched her. Not just in basketball drills, not a brush in the hall. We touched hands, we grasped. And every nerve in my body is tingling. It feels so much like I thought it would. I just got goosebumps. And just like that, we both let go.

"I'm Ashley."

_**Cause when I looked in your eyes and you dared to stare right back.**_

_**You should've said nice to meet you, I'm your other half.**_

"Yeah, I know."


	9. Truth in my lies

**Truth in my lies (eyes).**

I could have left right then.

I could have let my smile grow and just turned and walked away.

But that would be too easy. Too perfect.

Too unlike me.

So we stand there, smiling like fools. Fools faced with the realization of a dream. At least, a dream on my part. I don't know what her problem is. I smile even more at that crude thought. I can feel Max next to me, dying of the stretch of silence. He hates awkward pauses. So I break it for him.

"Why are you down here? Besides, you know..." I gesture at the cigarette smushed into the ground. I didn't know she smoked. How does she run that hard, that fast, and smoke? Not fair. She shrugs.

"I was bored." She says, the words rolling out of her mouth like she's said them a million times before. I nod.

"Yeah, me too." I agree. I glance over at Max, who is holding his grin in. His favorite lesbo is talking to her crush. Its like a parent's first Christmas pagent, and their kid is Mary. He jumps into the conversation.

"Yeah, I just needed more carbs." He gestures toward the fried-junk-stand. Ashley smiles ruefully, shaking her head. Her curls bounce and I keep my eyes on her crinkling nose. I want to reach out and touch it ..right...there. Smooth out that crinkle. Her eyes flick back to mine. Huge brown pools that totally freeze me. "I'll be right back." Max says and he hurries off before I can stop him. Even try to.

"So...where's Tyler?" She asks.

"Who?" And I'm not trying to be funny, but honestly, who cares about Tyler? Who can even remember what he looks like? She gives me a look and smiles.

"Your boyfriend...Tyler." I laugh. Boyfriend.

"Tyler? Yeah right. No way, not again." Is it just me or did her smile just widen? Its just me. Don't they say that when you want something so bad, you start to imagine it? Well, I must be really good at imagining things, because her teeth are showing now and I'm smiling back just as wide.

"And Aiden?" I ask, just to be sure. Just to hear her say it.

"Who?" She asks, echoing my words. A soft smile plays over her face. I grin and shake my head. Max walks back up to me-with perfect timing, as usual-and wraps an arm around my shoulders. I can smell his fried snickers from here. In the south, they fry everything. He offers me a bite but I shake my head, not opening my mouth to the smell. My stomach is flip-flopping so fast I'm afraid to even think of food, much less eat it.

"So, we're gonna head back up." Max says. Thank god. I don't know how long I could stand here, my heart racing so fast, without have a heart attack. Wait a minute. Levaing is not a good thing. Ashley nods.

"Alright. I'll talk to you later." Her eyes find mine, capture mine, steal them. Blind them to everything else that lingers around us. I don't even know if all of it, those tall cement poles riding above us, if they even exist even more. And it doesn't even matter. But I smile anyway.

"K. Bye." I can't pull my eyes away. My feet are shuffling backwards, over the rocky ground. But my eyes stay transfixed on this brunette beauty. She smiles again. And Max grabs my arm and turns me around. Turns me back into the real world, where rules and awkwardness and broken hearts still exist. Where I prefer not to live most of the time.

"Hey, Spencer! Welcome back!" Max says quietly. Sarcastically. "Nice of you to finally join us." I smile a little sheepishly and roll my eyes.

"I was here Max." I say quietly, my voice apparently back there with the girl of my dreams. Or maybe he's just too right for me to argue. He rolls his eyes back at me.

"You were so far from here, you needed a telescope."

I pull out another cigarette, light it with half-frozen fingers, and suck in a long drag. I taste it all the way down. I'm pretty sure its the first breath I've taken in the past ten minutes. Ever since I looked up to see her gazing toward me. I don't know if she could see me or not, but that constant gaze, it made my heart race. My thoughts loose.

My heart melt.

I skipped today, all day. I haven't done that in a while, but I needed to relax. Things were getting away from me again, with breaking up with Aiden and talking to her-_talking _to _her_- yesterday. She seems so sweet and confident and secure. The way her eyes dance and she smiles when she talks. She makes me feel more there. And also gone, too.

I'm still a little off.

We shook hands. Who shakes hands anymore? But we did. She offered her hand, I took it. And then we talked and now I can't think straight. She's gorgeous. Absolutely more gorgeous than anyone I've ever seen.

I'm not nervous about liking her. I like girls. All of my close friends know it-not counting Aiden, who is oblivious as he is to everything else. I guess I'm just a little more apprehensive about being rejected with her. Because I really really want her to like me back. And I have a feeling she does.

And that's a good feeling.

And so I'm standing here, freezing my fucking ass off under these windy bleachers with only a cigarette for warmth, and thinking about her. Scanning the bleachers to my right where I know she'll appear in a few minutes. To watch her climb the stairs and see if I can spot her adorably red nose from here.

I'm ready for first period Monday-god, two whole days, but I'm ready for her to be there. I want to see her _now_. I've got it bad, haven't I? So bad. And we talked. Yay. I smile through my cigarette at my total sixth-grade crush. What happened to just going for it?

Not that I don't know the answer.

Spencer Carlin happened.

"So then Barcliff kept asking me if I wanted to go this school, since I obviously wasn't showing the 'proper respect for school values' and then he kicked me out. Again." Jenna finished her little speech with a look. It said "teachers are stupid" and that's about it. We all laughed, just at that look. Jenna can say a million things with her face.

"Is that why you kept walking by my class?" I ask, leaning back in the booth. I pop a fry in my mouth and study Jenna's face. Its a bad habit, studying people. I've been doing it for years. Watching for subtle clues that can tell you everything about a person. The way their eyebrows twitch or their mouth curls. The flick of their eyes or the crinkle of their forehead. Its a different language, one that I am, unfourtanately, fluent in. It's a blessing and a curse. Jenna smiles brightly.

"Yep." She waves a fry in my face. "And you were totally flirting with that blonde guy." She says. I widen my eyes.

"Derek? Are you kidding?" I ask, completely caught off guard. That's the randomest thing I've ever heard. Sure I talk to him, but...ok, yeah, I'm a flirt. Jenna raises an eyebrow.

"You can't fool me, hun." She says. I roll my eyes.

"Nope. You got me Jen." She smirks and sits back.

"Knew it."

"Let's go." Tyler says, standing up from his precarious position on the edge of the booth. He slides his hands in his pockets, a move that used to make me swoon. Used to. Now the moves that make me swoon usually involve swinging curly hair and wrinkling noses.

"Okay." Everyone agrees and we're back out in the freezing weather. Shivering and huddling close, because now it really is cold. Now I really am freezing. My phone buzzes angrily from my pocket but I ingore it in favor of keeping warm hands.

"Shotgun!" Jenna calls and starts literally sprinting to the car. She flings it open and dives in. Tyler is only moments behind, starting the car with a gorgeous rumble that promises warmth and heat. I climb into the back of his yellow Xterra, huddled between Rachel and Addie. Warmth slides back to us, over our red cheeks and frozen noses.

I slide my phone out of my pocket and check my calls. _One missed call _it reads. I click again.

_9:27 p.m. _

_Derek Reed._

...Oops.


	10. How to lose your mind

**How to lose your mind.**

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

I push through the aching in my legs to finish out strong. God its too early to be running. Its always too early to be running. My legs feel strong though. Sprints. Satan's gift to basketball players. You think its bad in the gym? Try it in 25 degrees with that sea wind blowing at your back. Its October and we should be locked in the weight room, not outside on the track.

Southerners, remember?

I force my hands above my head, lacing my fingers over my hair. Yeah, I'm definitely going to need a shower today. The second group jogs up behind us, breathing hard. Gasping for air. I know the feeling. I feel hands on my shoulder, for a millisecond. My eyes flick behind me. Ashley. Of course. Who else would end up in the same lane as me? It wouldn't be anyone but Ashley. God loves me. Or maybe he hates me. It seems to go both ways these days.

Kind of like me.

It was kind of my fault though. Ashley almost running into me, I mean. I was standing too close to the end of the lane and she had to finish it out. A whistle tweets from the sidelines, breaking into the steady chorus of our gasping breath. Little sandpipers at the end of the track spring into the air at the abrupt sound. Coach Gary is sitting over there. Ass on the soft grass. Whistle in his mouth. Blanket around his shoulders. Cup of steaming coffee in his hand.

Asshole.

I step up to the line and realize maybe I'm just taking my anger out on him. I can't believe Jenna cornered Aiden in the hall and told him-and I quote here-that I "had the hots for him". Of all the people, all the places, of all the phrases(!) she could have picked, she chose those. I HATE HER!! And that's the thought that's fueling me as I race from line to line. If there's anything to focus you at sprints in the morning, its being extremely pissed off.

Three

Four.

I skid to a stop next to Ashley and decide to tell her what Jenna did. Now I just need to learn to speak to her without sounding like I have a negative IQ. She's on her third sprint by the time I find some courage. Now I have to figure out what to say. What was that word again? Oh yeah.

Hey.

"Hey." I say, my voice quieter than usual. Her eyes flick up to mine. I can't see anything else. Just those dark brown eyes, looking into mine. I want to know what she's thinking, when she's looking at me like that. With those eyes. I can't explain them. I don't think its the eyes themselves. I think its the person behind them. I've seen gorgeous eyes. My friend Addie has drop dead gorgeous blue green eyes. They are the prettiest eyes I've ever seen in my life. But I could look into them for hours and not feel a drop of what is coursing through me right now. She smiles tightly.

"Hey." She gasps, breathing hard. She seems...cold. Oh shit. She already knows. Fuck. I don't know why I think she would be pissed that I'm "hitting on" her ex-boyfriend. Especially if _she_ broke up with _him_. But it feels like a betrayal. It feels wrong.

Plus, gross.

"So, uh...about what Jenna did." She frowns. Ok, she doesn't know. She just doesn't like me. Great. Even better. Ok, I don't think I've taken a breath since we started talking. Breathe Spencer! Breathe! She's just another girl. And that thought almost makes me smile, because she so isn't.

"Did what?" She asks. I glance down from her strong gaze. It makes me forget my words. It makes me forget myself. I can still feel her eyes on my face as I watch cars slowly drive past the fence surrounding the track.

"She uh..." I trail off. Why does this girl make me nervous? And another thing. Why is she so quiet? What happened to the girl who sang "Colt 45" - every word - at the first basketball p.e? But when she's around me she seems... subdued. God, she doesn't like me. "Well, she hit on your ex-boyfriend for me." I admit. Something flashes through her eyes but I don't know her well enough to decipher it. Its not a good thing. I wait. And I wait.

And I wait.

Finally, she speaks.

"You like Aiden?" She asks. There's something in her voice too. It matches the flash in her eyes. It matches the tense in her shoulders. Her voice is raspy. It always is, but she's not gasping anymore. I snort, my eyebrows going up. My comfort level going up with them.

"No." _No, no, no, no no._ "But Jenna wants me to." I add. She drops her questioning gaze from my eyes.

"Oh, ok." Then the whistle tweets again. Geez Coach Gary, you have possibly the worst timing _ever_. I smile a little anyway though. Then I start running. I'm sprinting again, not even thinking. Because the next best thing for running in the morning? Insane joy. And Ashley has that effect on me.

One.

Ashley.

Davies.

Finally, we're done. I'm pretty much dripping by now and have decided that the shower is my new favorite place. I'm tripping toward the gym when I see her come up next to me. She seems more relaxed now. Nervous barriers have faded under curiousity.

"So what were you saying about Adien?" She asks, looking up to meet my eyes.

Ashley fucking Davies.

"Uh... (why do all my sentences start like that?) you know Jenna Craig?" She nods, a smile flashing over her face. Yeah, she knows Jenna. "Well, she decided that me and Aiden would be the perfect couple. So she told him I liked him. A lot." Ashley grins.

"Sounds like Jenna." I'm a little surprised at that reaction and the easy way she says it.

"Don't you like...care?" I ask. I smile a litte to soften the sentence. I'm starting to relax. My words come easier. But that doesn't stop my flipping stomach or my racing heart, it just makes it easier to speak around them.

"Nope. Not really. Well, kind of. Truthfullly?" She looks into my eyes, one eyebrow cocked in amusement. I feel that warmth seep through me. She's about to tell me something. I want to understand it, but I'm not sure I know her enough to do that. I want to know her enough. I want that so bad. "_I_ broke up with _him_. Its just...over." I don't know what to do with the senetnce, considering we barely talk to each other and she's telling me...whatever it is that was supposed to mean. She smiles and turns away at the look on my face. "So you can have him, or whatever." I laugh.

"That's ok, I don't really want him." That makes her grin, her nose crinkling. My stomach drops when I realize how close she is. So close that our shoulders, bared by flimsy practice uniforms, brush casually. But the resulting goosebumps are anything but casual and definitely not from the cold.

I can feel my thoughts escaping me. Drifting away like soft cigarette smoke. Like she blew through my mind. At least its not lost this time. The conversation dwindles between us. I can feel slipping away. I'm grasping now, reaching for familarity and ease that I seem to have with every other person on this planet.

Everyone but her.

"I desperately need a shower." She says, pulling her shirt up to wipe sweat off her face. I try to focus my eyes forward. And not at her muscled stomach and black sports bra. I feel my face flush at the feelings crashing through me. My goes mouth dry, lust growing in my stomach. Ok, stop.

"Yeah. Its gonna take forever though." We've fallen behind everyone else. I know its because I want to talk to her. I would go through the entire day sweaty and gross just to continue this. I would go through my entire life sweaty and gross if it meant being with her. I've stopped pausing to wonder at how much I like this girl. How quickly and readily I would fall for her. She smirks.

"I've got an idea. Get your stuff and meet me in front of the gym." She's sped up a bit now and she turns backwards to talk to me. There's a look in her eyes. Its familiar to me, because that's the same look she gets every time she looks at me. Every time I catch her eye. But I think its so familiar because I echo it in my own.

I still don't know what it means coming from me, much less from her.

"Ok." I agree. Her smile widens. Or maybe it just seems that way.

IOIO

The steady chatter of the rest of the team fills the locker room. It's so normal and so expected that I tune it out. It fades to the back of my mind, to meet up with the common sense and normalcy I've shoved back there. And she creeps up into the forefront of my brain.

Right up there with breathing.

I start tossing clothes into my gym bag. Clothes that are spread around my locker in such a disgraceful- as my mother would say- mess, that I don't even know what I'm grabbing. I don't care either. I'm going somewhere with her. The words are singsonged in my brain.

I sling the bag over my shoulder and start slipping through the half-dressed girls surrounding me. These people are my best friends and we share so much, but they don't know one of the most basic things about me. I wonder what they would think if they did. But I don't feel like trying to deal with all those issues right now, so I think about her instead.

I walk through the varisty locker room to see her standing on the stairs, waiting for me. She offers a quick smirk and hops up the rest of the stairs. I smile foolishly and follow her. I catch up with her at the door out of the gym.

"Where are we going?" I ask, looking over to study her face. Feeling exhilirated because I finally have a reason to. We step into the school hall. She smiles a little.

"You'll see." She drops down the steps, clapping her feet against the sitck-on tiles over hard concrete. Her hands press the door open, pushing it all the way off and bouncing it against the wall. She turns back to me. She crosses her arms. "Have you ever been in the guy's locker room?" I raise an eyebrow.

"If I say yes, do I have to say why?" I ask, smiling a little. Flirting a little. She opens her mouth, pretending shock.

"Spencer Carlin! You're a sophomore!" I smile and shake my head.

"I was just kidding. No, I've never been in the guy's locker room." I pause, studying her face. Then I raise my eyebrow. "Can I ask why you have?" I swear I see the hint of a blush seeping into her face. But she turns from me and keeps walking. Not answering. I feel this break in my confidence. A break in the form of a nasty reminder of a not-so-old ex-boyfriend. A flagrantly loud red flag toward her sexuality. My mood slips a little, sliding into that sexuality second-guessing. But then she turns and flashes me this open smile. There's a hint of embarrassment but it seems commonplace inside such a truthful smile as that.

"Aiden." Is all she says, but its enough. Its enough to tell me she's embarrassed and she feels like she has a reason to be. And somehow, that is more than enough. I suddenly notice the cold wind brushing at my bare shoulders. I'm sticky and gross with sweat and now I'm freezing as well. I shiver.

"So where exactly are we going? The boy's locker room? For what?" I ask, running my hands over my arms.

"To shower." She says, as if I should have known it all along. She glances over. "The guys have like twelve more showers than we do, which is crazy, cos girls obviously need to shower more than guys and we only have three, well four, but one's broken, so..." She pauses to breath and catches my slightly taken aback, more amused, look. She looks away and chuckles. Her cheeks flush, from the cold or what, I'm not sure. "Sorry. I had Starbucks this morning." She explains, her hand running over her ponytail. She does this when she's nervous. Or possibly when she's pissed off. I've been watching her for a year, but I still haven't figured that part of her body language out yet. I smirk lightly, a sincere smile shining through. I can feel it tugging at the corners of my mouth.

"I never would have guessed." I say. She smiles, embarrassed, and this time I know she's blushing. And with each word we speak, I'm convincing myself more and more of these feelings that we're harboring. The ones I am positively sure of, and the ones I hope echo in her eyes. The ones I'm crazy for thinking about. I smile too, letting that glaringly bright grin through.

We reach the door to the guy's locker room. She pulls it open to a rush of warmth that puffs out into the air and dissapates. We hurry inside, trying to keep all of that warmth inside, with us. It's deserted, our feet squeaking loudly into the silence. She tosses her stuff on a dark blue bench and walks over to the showers. I'm frozen. I kind of forgot that this meant taking a _shower_. Like, a naked one.

Umm...

It feels wrong to want to look at her, even though I do. Because who knows if she only wants to be friends? Would _you_ take your crush to take a shower with you? God, my life is fucked up. But I toss my bag onto the bench as well and pick a shower a couple down from her, but not completely obviously across the room.

I turn on the water and it shockingly sprays out on me, coating me with fiercly cold water. I shriek and jump back.

Ashley looks up from by the bench, surprised, and then a grin escapes from her mouth. Me, standing soaked beside the shower. I shoot her a dry look and she starts laughing. She's cracking up and I'm glaring. I blow my dripping bangs out of my face and walk over to her.

"Thanks." I say a little dryly. She only laughs more, almost doubled over. Flicking water from my fingers into her face, a smile I can't contain rolls out of my mouth and some of my nervousness fades. Fades under her teasing smile. I laugh a little, just because she is almost hysterical.

"You're welcome." She finally manages. I'm still grinning as I strip off my jersey and pull down my shorts. Left in a pink sports bra and bikini underwear, I walk back to the shower. I wonder if she's watching me walk.

My fingers reach for the slippery shower curtain. Finally grasping it, I turn around to pull it around me. And catch her eyes. She's standing over her stuff, towel in her fingers, eyes on me. I can't tell if she was staring or if it was just an awkward moment to look up. But we both break it quickly and I shut the curtian.

With the hot water coursing down me, running over my sweaty body, I listen to the silence permeating the bathroom. I stand protected behind the semi-clear curtain. Well, this is really awkward. I run my hands down my arms and try desperately to think of something to say, before this turns into something neither of us can change. The leftover echoes of her laughter are still bouncing off the walls, I can feel them, but they're muted by awkward looks and sudden rushed changes in the mood.

"When are tryouts?" My voice sounds tight to me, raspier than usually.

"Couple weeks." She answers, her voice muffled by running water.

"Have you seen the freshmen?" I ask, then mentally curse myself. Of course she has, she was there when we had the meeting.

"Yeah." She laughs a little. "Did you see the 5 foot 11 girl? Grace or something?" I grin under the water, feeling it run over my forhead.

"You mean Gracezilla?" I smirk. She laughs fully and it bounces off the tile walls, knocking away awkwardness. And just like that, we fade back into a blooming friendship. The smiles we create in each other. The beginning of a beautiful friendship.

And that's all.

Right?


	11. Revelations

**Revelations.**

Jenna flies in from somewhere to my right and jumps up. Her legs wrap around my waist. Hands find purchase on my neck. I haven't seen her all day and so I'm not surprised that she just basically attacked me. We're touch friends. We hug, we hit each others hands as we walk, we hook arms, we touch. It's just something we do with each other. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what it means. I just accepted it, a long time ago. My hands go to her hips, balancing myself more than her. She grins brilliantly.

"Hey Spence." I grin back, shaking my head.

"Hey Jen." She slides down. Her boyfriend of the week walks up behind her and slings an arm around her shoulder. He grins at me. Well, at least he's nice.

"This is Matt." Jenna jerks her thumb back at him. Wow, she's actually introducing him. This must be serious.

"Hey!" I smile happily, my usual good mood evident. "I"m Spencer." He smiles back.

"Yeah, I know you. You play basketball right?" I nod, studying him. He's confident, his shoulders loose. And rich, by the watch on his hand and jeans he's wearing. "My cousin is Ashley Davies. I saw you at one of the varsity games."

"Cool." Ashley Davies. That's the cool part. I showered with her today...I wish I could mean that in the literal sense. Wow, getting off track here. "Are you new here?" I ask because I know everyone and I definitely would not have missed out on a guy as hot as this. He nods.

"Yeah, I just transferred from St. Jude's." Ew. St. Jude's. They're one of Robinson's biggest rivals, both in academics and sports. A school full of disgustingly rich potheads, sluts and the random cool people. We all hate them. We all secretely envy them. Doesn't everyone?

"You're a Judie?" I ask, raising my eyebrows. I'm not one to discriminate, but you have to check. He laughs a little. Jenna rolls her eyes, amused.

"Was. I was a Judie. Now I'm just another junior at Robinson Cart." He says. I'm not surprised he's a junior. And he looks like he'll fit in. This year, our junior class is known for their general...rowdiness. Drunkeness. Pot-smokingness. Ok now I'm just making up words. But you get the picture. I eye him doubtfully but smile anyway.

"If you say so." I smile ruefully. Jenna rolls her eyes and grabs my arm.

"Let's go yell at the volleyball players." She says. She leans over and kisses Matt on the cheek. It's softer than I've ever seen her kiss anyone. She smiles just as softly. "I'll see you later." She promises. He grins back, just as softly as her kiss. In my mind, I gulp. Jenna's in love?!?

"Ok." Oh shit. So is he. A slow smile spreads across my face. My best friend, finally learning how to fall. She's so good at wavering at the top. At glancing down but clinging safely to the ledge. She looks like she's finally let go. She looks like she really jumped this time. And that's makes me happy.

I'm still smiling as we walk into the gym. Its lunch and, as usual, we haven't even entered the cafeteria. We usually walk around until a teacher threatens us with dention for some reason or another.

And then we walk around some more, just more discreetly.

The volleyball players are in the gym. They're bumping and setting and whatever else it is that volleyball players do. I don't play volleyball. Too much standing there and hitting a ball. Where's the physical contact? When do I get to run people over? Pointless sport.

But I do like spandex.

So we stretch out on the bleachers. Jenna pulls out her iPod, which is permanately in her skirt pocket. We both plug an earbud in one ear. She blares Lustra into my ears. My favorite Lustra-Scotty Doesn't Know. I relax, because this is what I've come to know the most. In these simple, spur-of-the-moments, this is where my heart lies.

_"Scotty doesn't know-that Fiona and me-do it in my van every Sunday." _

"Are you talking to Aiden?" Jenna asks, over the blaring guitar and the volleyball yells. I shoot her an exasperated look.

"I was _never_ talking to Aiden." I say. My eyes flick back to the court. I hope the subject has been effectively dropped. Callie Otto is out there today. She catches my eyes briefly, and flashes a smile. I saw her this weekend and we talked for a bit. Somehow, she's giving me vaguely gay vibes-Jenna cuts my thoughts off.

_"She tells him she's at church-but she doesn't go-still she's on her knees-and Scotty doesn't know."_

"Yeah, but you should be. He likes you." Jenna is constantly trying to hook me up with guys. She loves being the matchmaker. Loves making other people happy. The only problem is, I'm not. Maybe if she picked more females to be objects of my affections, I would be. Maybe if she picked females at all.

Sometimes I'm about an inch from coming out to her, just to get her off my back. But Catholic school, and values, and trying to make it out of high school alive and breathing-and plain and simple and paralyzing fear of losing her-it always stops me. Always. But it's starting to wear me thin.

"I do not like him. So drop it." My voice conveys some of my exasperation. She glances over at me.

_"Scotty doesn't know-so don't tell Scotty-scotty doesn't know-scotty doesn't know."_

"Spencer-." She almost whines. I can tell she wants us to go out. I'm pretty much lost as to why. Sure he's popular, sure he's hot, sure..well, that's pretty much all I know about him. And suffice to say, that's not really enough. Not enough to jump right in. Surely not enough to ditch Ashely for. To even risk ditching the _chance_ of Ashley for.

"What's your obsession?" I ask, more curiously than anything else. She looks over. After a pause, she shrugs.

"I don't know..." But she does know, so I wait for her to tell me. I can see the thoughts wheeling about in her mind as she tries to fom the right words. She glances over at me and then away again.

"Well?" I prompt her. My eyes are on the volleyball players to help her relax. She shrugs.

"You just seem lonely." She says simply.

_"Fiona says she's out shopping-but she's under me and I'm not stopping- 'Cos Scotty doesn't know!"_

"Lonely." I echo back, rolling the words around in my head. Me, lonely? With friends like Chloe, Jenna, Kaley, and Addie? It seems absurd, like that word belongs to someone else. But it also feels like they loaned it to me for a little while.

"Or, I don't know, distracted or something." Jenna backtracks a little when she sees my obviously confused face. She raises an eyebrow and tilts her head a little. "I thought maybe a new guy might get you out of whatever funk you're in." She smiles hopefully. Dropping my eyes, I sigh. I twist my fingers around in my lap. Then I glance up and smile.

"So, I gotta tell you something."

_"I can't believe he's so trusting-while I'm right behind you thrusting-Fiona's got him on the phone-and she's trying not to moan-its a three-way call and he knows nothing. "_

Jenna frowns and raises her eyebrows. She lets a casual smirk onto her mouth.

"Do I want to know?" She asks, in classic Jenna style. I laugh a little. I realize she may be the queen of breaking tension. And then I sit up straight because this is impossibly important. The earbuds have ended up beside us, and they're blaring words I can't understand.

"Yeah, I think you do." She smiles. Something there in her eyes and the tilt of her head tell me she knows. Tells me she's waiting for it. I chuckle a little and glance down, embarrassed. Not because of who I am, but because of the awkwardness of this conversation. Because of the tension that is sliding back between us.

"So, I'm gay." And there are the words. They're hanging right there between us. They're burning away wildly. I'm not sure why I'm blushing, but I can feel my face turning crimson. After a few seconds though, it passes and I'm just terrified. I'm just listening to my world clatter around me, fallen but not shattered yet. I look up to study her face. She's wearing a bemused smile, eyeing me. Suddenly, she throws her arms around me and hugs me tightly.

"I knew it!" She yells into my hair. And her arms around me have never made me feel safer. Have never made me happier. She pulls away and points an accusing finger at me. "Oh, I so knew it." We're both grinning by now. I don't know how I ended up with the perfect coming out, but it is. And I realize how fucking lucky I am. How much I am loved. I realize, for the briefest of tantalizing moments, that everything-everything-is perfectly ok.

"Ok, so I-" I'm about to tell her that I like Ashley, because that is the hugest part of me being gay. Its the only thing that makes that part of me relevant at the moment. But, a big, warm hand lands on my shoulder before

I have a chance to say it. I glance up to see Derek Reed standing above me. He's smiling which means he definitely missed the last five minutes of our conversation.

"Hey." He says. I suddenly realize how gorgeous he is. Like, model worthy. Jenna, obviously not sure what to do considering her newly revealed information, just sits there.

"Hey." I answer, standing up to hug him. He glances over at Jenna and smiles widely.

"You mind if I steal her for a while?" Wow, model worthy and incredibly nice. My life is so fucked up. I like how I didn't even notice anything about him until it was shoved right into my face. In case you didn't get it, that was sarcasm. I hate how I'm oblivious to everyone but Ashley. Everyone but someone I have next to no chance with. Or maybe I'm just annoyed because being in the closet is something no one should ever go through. I'm flipping living proof. But I just shrug it off, because I made a desicion a long time ago.

Besides, coming out to Jenna? Possibly the best desicion of my life. Even if it was only three seconds ago.

"Uh, no problem." Jenna agrees. I raise an eyebrow. I do not want to be left with him. But I'm still riding my high off Ashley, so I guess today is as good as any. Derek slings an arm around my shoulders. We start down the gym. Turning my head back I send Jenna glare-a slightly amused glare, but a glare nonetheless. She shrugs and smirks back, her eyes still twinkling.

Turning my head forward, I catch Callie's eyes across the court. She looks a little perturbed about Derek's arm around my shoulders. She flicks her eyes away quickly when she catches me looking at her.

Oh, she's definitely gay.

"Did you eat already?" Derek asks. He takes his arm off my shoulders in an exceedingly smooth way. Two weeks ago I would have dated him in a heartbeat. Now, though, with everything with Ashley, I'm barely even considering it. I take that back. I'm not considering it at all.

"Nope, but I'm not hungry." I answer. We walk out of the gym into the cool hallway. The leftover pep rally decorations litter the ceiling and corners.

"Do you want to go to the discipline office with me?" He asks, already turning us in that direction.

"Sure." And that's how our conversation continues. He may be gorgeous and sweet but he's dull. Or maybe he's just not Ashley. Either way, we walk around aimlessly and he laughs and I smile-barely. It's dullville to the extreme dude-as Kai would have said. I'd prefer not to talk about that major waste of my lunch period. We talk about the beach, his baseball team-I'm not surprised he plays baseball, all hot guys do-as well as the cafeteria food and the teachers we hate. Or love. Mostly hate. Its making me bored just thinking about it.

The bell rings above us and kids start spilling out of the doors. Making my escape, I smile swiftly and gently and say goodbye.

"I'll see you later?" I ask sweetly. He grins back.

"Yeah." He answers. I turn to see Ashley walking out of the classroom behind me. Her eyes linger on Derek briefly before turning to me. She smiles quickly at me. She smiles with the same smile I just gave Derek. Then she walks around me. Just like that. No "hey", no "what's up?", not even a tiny nod. Just a smile that could or could not have been aimed for me.

And that definitely crushed some of my high.

IOIOIOI

I may not have a reason or a right or even a vague claim at being jealous about anything concerning Spencer, but that sure as hell doesn't stop me. Fuck, it doesn't even phase me. So I just blow past her and whatever guy she just promised to talk to later and keep going to my next class. Because the thing about a crush is that it tends to cross barriers. It tends to give you a high and crash you down just as far.

It tends to mess me up.

This morning was brilliant. It was relaxing, it was comfortable, it felt like I should always feel. It felt real and calm. I wish that I could spend every morning like that. Ok, that's a bit of a lie. Sometimes I wish we were sharing that shower. Wow, teenage hormones getting me off track.

Mainly, I just wish for her.

And that guy-stupid Derek Reed, who I think I dated in seventh grade-just fell in and screwed me up. Threw me for a loop. Because I really thought maybe Spencer felt for me what I feel for her. I really thought that this morning was a beginning. Ok, that's also a bit of a lie. I wished that this morning was a beginning. I hoped it was. Hell, I dreamed it was. But I also think I was setting myself up for this.

I knew I was going to fall. It's like climbing up a cliff to revel in the satisfaction of getting there, only to stumble and trip your way down. Only in this case, I just fell flat on my face. Which is why I'm glowering as I walk into my Spanish class. It's why my thoughts are jumbling in my mind. I slide into my desk, biting at my thumbnail and feeling that emotion creeping up. That emotion that makes me need a cigarette more than anything in the world. More than a high school education or a good reputation.

Song lyric.

Mrs. Sadrinez takes one look at me and proves she's smarter than she looks.

"Ashley, would you like to spend the period in the library?" She asks. She's looking at me cautiously. Smart lady. I simply nod. Most of my anger is fading into some sort of sadness. It's an odd emotion-a cross between melancholy and relaxation. It doesn't hit me very hard or bother me. It just slows me down. I slide out of my desk and grab my books while she writes me a note. My eyes flick around, but no one takes much notice of my leaving. I'm the master at making up excuses to get out of class. My teachers are convinced I have a bladder problem because my bathrrom trips take about twenty minutes. I can't stand being in school all day. I can't stand being anywhere all day.

Ten minutes later and I'm across the campus at the library. The huge room is hushed. Deathly quiet. Driver's ed classes are here, but otherwise it's empty this time of day. I'm not a reader. Definitely not. But I can get online and check my facebook. My dad usually messages me every night. He may be retarded most of the time, but he knows how to use a computer.

IOIOIOI

My eyes are glued to the computer screen. Which is why I'm not noticing my hunger anymore. It's why I'm not totally obessessing over her anymore. It's also why I don't even notice her coming in until I smell her perfume. Its kind of familair, that perfume. But it could be because she doused me in it this morning. I almost had to take another shower to get the smell out. It smells delicious though. Plus, I don't mind being reminded of her all day. Especially when guys like Derek Reed are attached to my hip. Not that he's-wow, I don't see the point in trying to convince myself of how great he is. Because he is great.

It just doesn't seem to affect me.

She sits down a few seats away from me. Again, she doesn't even acknowledge my prescence. My heart thuds in my chest, reminiscent of last week when just a glance from her would make my day. Now though, I need her voice. I need her smile. I need more because I know more. So I muster every ounce of courage that I possess. And I talk to her.

"Hey." Yeah, that's all my courage can muster. Pathetic, right? But it's something and something is enough. She glances over. Her big brown eyes instantly distract me. Instantly cut me off from everyone else. There's nothing like those eyes. A smile flickers onto her mouth, bringing one onto my own as well.

"Hey." She returns. She swivels slowly in her chair to see me better. "What are you doing in here?" She asks. I see that look in her eyes. The one that suddenly appears whenever I see her. I turn too, because she manages to distract me from everything else.

"Driver's Ed." I answer. I glance over at the other kids in my class. They mostly sleep and pig out unless they're driving. "What are you doing?" Her eyes move away for a second, glancing back around the room.

"Just..hanging." She says. I figure its code word for skipping or something else classic Ashley Davies. Last year I had regular P.E. with one of her friends and they would always skip out twenty minutes before the bell last period. She fascinated me because she was-she is-everything I wasn't-everything I'm not. So dark and arrogant, smirking wickedly. She makes me unsure. She makes me nervous. She makes me what I'm not with anyone else.

She still fascinates me.

A quick silent moment slips between us. I study the profile of her face while she studies her hands. I try to figure this out while she stays silent. My heart still thuds. My eyes still sparkle. I'm trying to chill out and she looks indifferent. I'm stuttering around and she's calm as a sea breeze.

"What're you doing for Halloween?" She asks. Her brown eyes glance up, pulling me in. They linger, then flutter away. And now I can move. I look away, sitting back in my chair.

"Probably a family thing." I answer. I'm twisting my fingers into delicate shapes. I'm trying to ignore her gaze on me. I'm probably failing miserably.

"Yeah? By choice or force?" She actually looks interested. I feel the comfortableness we formed this morning creeping back between us. Looping us back together.

"Force. Well, nothing else to do." I say. Chloe's still in Atlanta. Addie's taking out her little sister. Jenna is terrified of the holiday and spends it in her room watching Christmas movies. Kaley..well, actually, I don't know what Kaley's doing. So yeah, nothing else to do. Ashley's eyes light up.

"You should come to the corn maze with us." She says. I look a little doubtful. I know all about the corn maze. Its an annual senior thing on Halloween. Out in the country, they lock you up in a maze for three hours with crazy people. First team to make it out after three hours wins. But, emphasis on the _senior_ part. Anybody else who shows up-without a senior date- is dead. "Come on, we can be a team. Kyla's ditching me for Kaley." So that's what Kaley's doing.

"Are you sure?" I raise an eyebrow. You only get one corn maze. She smiles back.

"Always." She answers. Yeah, swooning over here. I shrug, but my happiness shows through clearly. Shows through in my smile.

"Yeah, ok. Tomorrow night?" I ask. She nods, smiling too. She swivels around in her chair back to the computer screen. I see her eyes glance back, then away.

"Yeah. I'll come pick you up." I grin, hoping she can't see.

"Sweet."

"Totally."


	12. Interior of a heart

**Interior of a heart.**

The sun is dropping through my window onto my stomach, painting my white tank yellow. I love daylight savings time. I get another hour of sleep and that rocks. Unfourtunately, my body woke up at its usual time. So I'm lying here, thinking about Ashley Davies. And basketball. And music. Nothing out of place.

The birds are already awake, and they're letting me know. I'm just reveling in how warm these blankets feel and how soft my pillow is. Just reveling in the way I feel alive, the way my heart is steaily beating and I can see it in my stomach. Just reveling. And wondering how it could possibly get any better.

A knock echoes on my door. I glance at my newly changed clock. 6:45. Who would be up now? The door clicks open and- of all the utterly unexpected people- Clay comes in. In his green plaid pajama pants and a white t-shirt- something that is classically Clay. His hands are pushed in his pockets. His eyes are anywhere but on me.

This is out of place.

Me and Clay don't talk anymore. We haven't talked for a long time-not since we moved down here. In California, we had been best friends. It had been me and Clay-and sometimes Glen-against the world. I told him everything.

But we fell apart, with grand style. With a long and messy break. With nothing but shards left over. Maybe merely slivers. And now there's a line before us. A huge, thick, scarily imposing line. People change and things happen, but its your reactions that change your world. And my reaction, and his reaction, they tore us apart.

I was gay. I am gay. But it was terrifying and new then and he wasn't there. When it was just me and the only person I told was him, he drifted off.

I broke. I cracked somewhere inside. I painted new layers over my skin. But it was still just me. Until it was me and her, until she pasted the pieces back together. And then he came back, with a tear streaked face and fear in his eyes. And I turned him away. I replayed his reaction right back at him and broke him the same. And we struggled for weeks and weeks to come back together. We struggled to accept and forgive, but nothing was the same. None of the words made sense. None of the silences were comfortable.

So when Chelsea left with the baby, and Anna bailed on me, we ended up just us. Just us, and nothing was the same. So we moved down here. We moved and left all those cracked emotions and all those sweet memories behind. Until we were just two people who could barely remember how close we had been.

But now he's here, in my room. In my room for the first time, I think, since we moved her a year and a half ago.

And this is so out of place.

He stands so awkwardly next to the closed door. His face looks strained. He glances over at me a couple times, but doesn't speak. The golden light runs down his cheeks. It streaks against his chest.

"Hey." He finally says, after a few minutes of quiet. Quiet except for our breathing and the birds outside. His eyes find mine.

"Hi." I say. My voice is soft. It holds a hard to place emotion. It holds pain and lost familarity and apprehension. It holds hope, maybe.

"Its daylight savings." He says. I suddenly remember. Remember what we used to do when we were kids. When we were us. Waking up at five because it felt like six. Walking out into our back yard to say goodbye to an hour of sunlight. Trying to capture it with our fingertips, wondering if it felt the same because it was an hour older. We didn't really understand what daylight savings meant, but we knew it was earlier. Or later. It was a tradition, twice a year, a place for us to laugh and share secrets.

A rush of feeling runs through me. A rush of nostaglia. All those hurts. He takes a deep breath. He picks up some of my emotions. The ones he dropped on the floor so suddenly, years ago. He meets my eyes. And, slowly, painfully, he smiles.

"You wanna go say goodbye to the sun?" He asks. His voice is so quiet and so pained and so nervous. So cautious. And those words slide all the way into me. Into that well of hurt he made and crumble it a little. I pause, because this isn't something you just agree to. This is something you have to step back and realize. This is something that will fix.

"Yeah. I do." And I love him. I love him for being my big brother and for protecting me from big waves and teaching me how to beat a rubix cube and knowing every John Legend song. I love him like I did two years ago, with all the naive perceptions I had then. Back when I thought he was perfect and awesome and could save me from everything.

I love him through all the past.

I slide out of bed and grab my hoodie from the chair by my door. I pull it over my head and we go outside.

And we start to fix.

IOIOIOI

I'm pulling on my basketball sweatpants when my phone rings from my bed. "_Ooh, yeah. And all you'll want is me. Ooh, yeah. And all you'll need is me. This is the time-" _Diving onto it, I flip it open. It's Chloe's ringtone-Tegan and Sara's _All You Got_- and I haven't talked to my best friend in two days. We usually talk every other hour. She's singing when I answer.

"-the touching leads to sex, and then there is no mystery lef-"

"Hey." I cut her off, amused. She can actually sing really well, but its _way_ to early in the morning.

"I hate your ringback tone." She says, but she sounds happy. Plus, she loves my ringback tone-Rilo Kiley's Portions for Foxes. I flop back on my bed. I'm happy about me and Clay. I'm happy about me and Ashley. And now Chloe's calling me and its not even eight o'clock yet.

Today's gonna be a good day.

"You love Rilo Kiley." I counter. She sighs and I can hear her smile.

"I know. But now its gonna be stuck in my head all da-"

"Is there a point to this?" I interrupt again, but I'm smiling. Chloe will ramble for hours without getting to the point. One of the reasons I love her. Also one of the many things I tease her about.

"Yes." She says grumpily. "I'm coming back this afternoon. Skip out and come pick me up." She says. Well, kind of commands. I sit up and start pulling on my socks.

"Ok." I agree. "How was Atlanta? How was Motion City Soundtrack?" Lucky duck, she got to see them live up in Atlanta. I was insanely jealous, but my mom's a bitch. She wouldn't let me go. End of story.

Unfourtunately.

"Flipping awesome." She says. I hear the clatter of dishes over the phone and the distinct sound of her dad's deep voice.

"Sweet." I say happily. Since I couldn't go, I'll just live through her.

"What are you doing tonight? Wanna go out for a welcome me back dinner?" She asks. I step off my bed and into my wallabees.

"Sorry, but I can't. I'm going to the corn maze." I start rifiling through my bookbag, making sure my all of two books are in there.

"Oh yeah? With who, Jake?" Jake, senior, ex-boyfriend. Flipping hilarious. Has actually been living in France with his mom. Came back a couple days ago. Runs track. Speaks French. 'Nuff said.

"Nah. With Ashley." There's a pause and I stop what I'm doing to wait for her reaction. She knows about my crush. From the way she knows me so well, not that I actually told her.

"Really?" She asks, her voice carefully nuetral.

"Yeah." I answer. I'm coming out to Chloe this afternoon. After telling Jenna-after how Jenna reacted- it just makes me want to tell everyone. But, most of all, Chloe. I feel bad for not telling her first.

"Sweet." She says, her voice surprised. I know she doesn't know quite what to think.

"Yeah, we're kind of friends now." I tell her. Another pause. Then she chuckles. Its a knowing chuckle. Its a chuckle that says be careful. Its another one of those chuckles that tells me she knows so much more about me than I tell her.

"Whatever you say Spence. Hey, I gotta go pack. I'll call you when I take off." She says. Jenna honks her horn outside, telling me its time to get my ass outside before she leaves me. Actually, that's what the text message she just sent me says. But I can hear it in her horn too.

"K. Bye."

"Bye." I drop my phone in my pocket, scoop up my basketball hoodie- for the second time this morning -and go outside.

IOIOIOI

Its abnormally freezing in the gym today. Coach Gary says something about the heater being off all night and tells us to go outside and do our homework.

It's thirty-seven degrees outside.

We ignore him and go to the cafeteria instead. The lunch ladies haven't finished putting away breakfast yet as we spill into the green and yellow room, tossing bags in corners and claiming chairs. The room smells like chicken and hashbrowns and scrambled eggs. We basically clean out the place. There's ketchup everywhere. And damn, their chicken biscuits are good.

I'm sitting on the long wooden table, my feet in a chair. Everyone else is crowded around both sides, piled on chairs. In various states of dress and alertness. I'm still in my sweats, my hood up, iPod in the pocket. Jace is sprawled on the table beside me, telling me _exactly_ what happened on Grey's Anatomy last night. Grey's is my guilty pleasure, I will admit. I try to pay attention. I try to listen. But I also try to watch Ashley where she sits directly across the room from me. She's in pink and yellow pajama pants and her white Northface. Her hair is curly and up.

She looks deliciously adorable.

"So then Derek told Meredith that she wasn't ready yet..." I turn my attention back to Jace. I really want to know what I happened. I really want to stare at Ashely. Guess which ones winning out. But for a full minute I manage to listen. Then, my legs are roughly pushed off the chair they were on. I look over, expecting Emma or Kelsey, or another one of my good friends on the basketball team.

It's Ashley.

She's smiling wickedly and my stomach drops out of my body. I grin back. I focus on her mouth, on her white teeth. On her little dimples. And try not to focus on how much I want to kiss all of them.

"Hey." I say, smiling. Turning my full attention to her. I cross my ankles and swing my feet. She's sitting crosslegged on the chair before me, elbows resting on knees. She tilts her head and smiles.

"Ready for the maze tonight?" She asks. Her eyes lock with mine. And everything else just hushes. Just fades. All of it, it goes away. It happens every time. Every single freaking time. It's not startling, really. Just natural. Like I forget, for a few blissful seconds, that there's anyone else. It's not melodramatic-it doesn't feel that way. Just both of my eyes_, inside_ both of her's. Big and brown and intelligent and...woah. It makes me want to smile, makes me want to grin. It makes me want to stay like this, forever. Hell, we don't even have to talk, because the fact that both of our eyes are like this-are locked so close-it says it all. Its expresses exactly what we feel.

And when someone breaks us apart, when we break ourselves apart, that's when my heart starts racing. It doesn't even skip while we're looking. While we're locked. Just afterwards. Like when you shoot a perfect jump shot and it swishes in and you feel that rush of perfection when the net hangs over the rim. When your foot connects flawlessly with a soccer ball and sends it spinning toward the goal, the air going swoosh and the ball crashing into the back of the net. Or when you kiss someone you really really like, completely spur of the moment. Just lean over and kiss them and when you pull away your heart is pounding. Because in the moment, it is so right that you don't even have to react. You just enjoy it. No questions.

Only in the after moments do you suddenly realize how fucking awesome that moment was.

And me and Ashley just had one of those moments. One of those sweet, silent moments. A revealing moment. And of course, I carefully break it. I glance down at my hands. Then back up.

"Yeah, I'm so ready." I say. Slipping some of that quiet moment into my normal words. Smiling softly. She smiles again.

"Awesome. It's gonna be freezing though." She lets her legs down and they brush against mine.

"Yeah, I know." I brace my hands on my knees. "I plan on about seven layers." She laughs.

"Oh yeah? Exactly seven?" She teases. I grin and roll my eyes.

"Yes. Exactly." I smirk, folding my arms. She laughs again.

"I'm gonna check." She says. My arms come down and I laugh.

"Okay. I guess I'm gonna have to wear exactly seven."

"Yeah, you better." We smile foolishly at each other for a few seconds. "Are you going to skip out at lunch tomorrow?" She asks. Also a tradition, only this one is for everyone but freshmen. Because freshmen know next to nothing about it. Everyone goes to the park down the block and orders hundreds of pizzas. Everyone goes.

Like, everyone.

"Yeah, of course." I answer. I pull up my legs and cross them under me. "Are you? Do I even have to ask?" She shakes her head and grins.

"I went when I was a freshmen." She admits.

"That figures." I say. I kind of regret it a second later. She crinkles her eyebrows a little, still smiling though.

"What do you mean?" I shrug a little, loosing her gaze. Well, avoiding it really.

"I mean, just..you seem like you would." I finish lamely. She shrugs, and her smile widens.

"Yeah, probably." She says. She pulls her legs up and wraps her arms around them. She drops them down before she even has a chance to relax. "Do you wanna go get something from my locker with me?" She asks. And even though we're both basically dressed in pajamas, I nod anyway.

"Yeah, sure." I slide off the table as she stands up at the same time. My hoodie lifts a few inches as my bdy moves. We must have judged the space different, because our fronts brush- no, they slide. Her flat stomach presses against mine. Her warmth going through her t-shirt straight into my slightly bared stomach. God, it makes my stomach slide all the way down. Its awkward. But the good kind of awkward. I blush and move away. The feeling burned into my mind. Wanting it again and again and with other stuff too. Goosebumps prickle all over me.

We walk into the hall, right past Coach Gary who doesn't even notice us. He probably still thinks his basketball team is outside freezing their butts off. The guy is crazy. Unfourtunately, he's an awesome basketball coach. And he's really cool about stuff most of the time. Its just the times when he makes us run fifteen suicides just to "get in shape."

Then we all hate him.

We stride down the hall, my hands shoved into my hoodie pocket. My hood's still up. I peek out from under it to watch her. Her face is clear-unburdened, not worried. Not emotionless, just relaxed.

My stomach is still tingling.

"Where's your locker?" I ask, just to talk.

"At the end of senior hall." She tells me, glancing over. Her phone blares from her pocket, interrupting the pristine silence of the hall. _"Hey! Get get get get get over it! Hey! Get get get get-" _

"Hello?" She interrupts OK Go's _Get Over It_. She pauses. "No, we're not doing anything...Why?..Aiden, that's retarded."

My mood lowers a little.

Ugh.

Aiden.

IOI _Ashley's POV_ IOI

The phone pulled up to my ear, knowing if a teacher sees me I am beyond dead, I try to keep my conversation from Spencer. Why does Aiden have to have the worst timing? Ever?

"Aiden, that's retarded." I glance over at Spencer, but she's looking straight ahead. Ugh. Aiden. "No, I can't...Because I'm already at school...Get your mom to take you..Yeah, bye." I snap the phone shut and slid it back into my pocket. Then I glance over. Spencer glances over. We do the whole awkward/not awkward eye tease thing. "Sorry." I don't know why I'm apologizing, but I feel like I should. Not that Aiden being retarded has anything to do with me.

"No, no problem." She answers, not really meeting my eyes. She's really easy to read. I'm pretty sure she likes me, but then... She goes off and talks to Derek Reed or something and I'm back to not wanting to fuck things up. Back to treading on thin ice. Back to probing and hoping.

"Aiden wanted a ride, but.." She looks over and smiles. A real smile, that I've learned to recognize.

"It's cool." I smile back, eyes still locked. Then I glance down, pushing my hands into my Northface.

"Hey Spencer." A voice cuts into the little world I tend to create when we're alone. The way I cut everything else out. It's more involuntary than purposeful.

"Hey Kat." She smiles again. This one doesn't look the same as the one she just gave me. I can't figure out which one was better. We keep walking and I swear six people say hey to her during a five minute walk. I swear. We reach my locker and I twirl in the combination.

"Do you know everybody?" I ask playfully. Looking over to where she's leaning next to me. She smiles. There's something shy in that smile. That's what's different about it. Every other one she gives has an undertone to it. This confident undertone. But when she smiles at me...

I don't know, it just seems more nervous. Like I make her nervous. Which could definitely be a good thing. I pull my iPod out of my locker and drop it in my pocket. Spencer raises an eyebrow. There's some of that confidence.

"That's what we came down here for?" She smirks. I smile.

"Yeah, it is." The other eyebrow goes up. She twirls the combination on the locker next to mine. It takes me a second. Then I realize it's Kaley's locker. She opens it and blue paper tumbles out onto her feet. Another smile. I lean against my own locker, content to watch her as she scribbles a note to Kaley.

"What?" She asks, after a couple seconds. Seconds of her rifiling through Kaley's locker. Seconds of me burning her profile into my mine. I roll over onto my back against the lockers, tilting my head up, my hands in my pockets. A little embarrassed to be caught staring. Then again, I wasn't exactly trying to hide it.

"Nothing." I push up off the lockers. "You ready to go back? The bell's gonna ring any-" Above me, the bell bursts into life, the angry clanging echoing in the halls. She sends me an amused look.

"We are gonna be so late." She says. And yeah, we are. Considering we still have to change into our school uniforms and get to our classes. Considering we only have five minutes to do that.

"I know." I grin and we start jogging to the gym. Weaving our way through the masses of people spilling out of the classrooms. Standing out obviously in our pajamas. Somewhere along the way, I reach back and grab onto the sleeve of her hoodie. Grasp it between my fingers, so I won't loose her. So that I can touch her.

Because I'm still probing.

And I'm still hoping.

God, I'm hoping.

IOIOIOI

The bell rings for the second to last period. I grab my bookbag, sliding my keys into my hoodie pocket. Standing up, I straighten my skirt. I have to go pick up Chloe from the aiport. Which means borrowing Jenna's car, even though I'm not quite sixteen yet. Two more months. But my fake ID works and I've never wrecked, so I take the chance. A lot, actually.

As I walk out of the building, bookbag slung over one shoulder, a voice stops me.

"Hey, Spencer!" It's Derek. Of course. But really, nothing can kill my good mood right now. Ashley grabbed my arm this morning. Just reached back and grabbed it. And even though Jenna and Addie have done that a million times, it felt different with Ashley. Like she was pulling me closer. Or maybe I'm imagining things again. But I can wait and see. There's still tonight.

Tonight is gonna rock.

"Hey Derek." I smile quickly. I have to stop and wait, because he's jogging after me. Everybody's streaming across the lawn to the other building. Derek goes in and out of them. Finally, he catches up.

"Where are you going?" He asks, since I'm headed away from the other building.

"I have to go pick Chloe up." I tell him. And then, almost suddenly, a descision hangs over head. If I liked him, I would ask him if he wanted to come with me. He probably would. Next step made. But I don't like him, I don't want him to come with me, and I don't wanna take _any_ steps. So instead, I just let the words hang. I don't take the next step; I don't even attempt it.

And all for a girl.

It's a first.

There's a little pause. A simple, telling pause. "Oh, cool. She went to Atlanta right?" Damn. I dropped the ball and he just dove and caught it. He's smooth.

Unfourtunately, he's a guy.

"Yeah. For a concert." I'm itching to finish this conversation. But he looks interested. And I don't want to be mean.

"Who's concert?" He asks. I see Ashley walking up out of the corner of my eye. She's coming a few feet from us. Her head starts to turn.

"Uh, Motion City Soundtrack. Hey, I gotta go, I'll catch you later?" I don't wait for his answer. I just grin and walk over to Ashley. Because this time, the girl is almost irresistable. "Hey." I smile happily. She smiles back. I forget about Derek and every fake conversation I've had with a boy. I foget about all the firsts and all the lasts.

"What's up?" Her hands are in her Northface again. I'm not sure what that means. Maybe she's nervous. Do I make her nervous?

"Nothing. I have to go pick up Chloe." We start walking to the next building.

"Oh yeah? Is she back from Atlanta?" How does everyone know this?

"Yeah, she just got back." I really wanna ask Ashley if she wants to come with me, but I won't. We're not there yet. We've barely taken baby steps. We reach the entrance of the other building and stop, eyes still lingering. "I'll see you later?" Its more of a statement than a question.

"Yeah, tonight." She smiles, her nose crinkling. I have to grin back. I walk backwards a few steps. I let some of my emotions show through clearly. I drop a couple hints. She pauses and smiles, wide. I raise my eyebrows and turn.

And then I almost run into a tree.

But hopefully she didn't see that.

IOIOIOI

"So then he fell down on his knees, right? And he's singing it like crazy and everybody is going physcho and then it just goes all black. Oh my god, it was fucking awesome." Chloe's driving now, because she actually _has_ her license. She's also relating every second of the MCS concert to me. I kind of get goosebumps-along with a little jealousy-while she talks. "So yeah, it was really awesome." She stops at a red light. The sun is glaring through the car and we both have sunglasses on. A couple hot guys pull up next to us. We ignore them. Everything feels like it should, so then why is my heart thundering? Why do I feel like I have to tell her everything?

"That's sweet." I say. There's a pause and the radio seeps into our conscience.

"So what's up with you and Ashley?" She asks. My heart skips a little, with nervous apprehension.

"Uh. Okay, well first I gotta tell you something." She doesn't say anything. We're so close that usually I don't even use those words. I just tell her. And she gets the gravity of it. But this, this is the heaviest of all. She glances over but I can't read her eyes through her sunglasses. "I'm gay." If we had been driving I get the feeling she would have slammed on brakes. Everything-everything-even the air around us-it shifts.

She turns to me, then back to the steering wheel. Then back to me.

"Seriously Spence?" I nod. She shakes her head and smiles. "Well, it's not exactly a shocker." She says, amusement in her voice. All that tension just collapses on itself. I laugh and hit her.

"So we're still cool?" I ask. She pulles down her sunglasses so I can see her roll her eyes.

"Of course we are. You're my best friend. So, what does this have to do with Ashley Davies?" She asks like she doesn't know. I sit back and trail my fingers over the window.

"I like her." Chloe shakes her head, that smile still on her face.

"Also not really a shocker." It's like we're talking about things we've thought about hundreds of times before. Like everything is coming out. Like we're getting closer than we akready are. Which almost doesn't seem possible. "Oh, and on that note. I'm gay too." She admits. And whoa, can't say I was exactly expecting that. I mean I thought, but...

"Seriously?" I echo her word back to her. She laughs.

"Yeah." I shake my head.

"Wow. We wouldn't ever..." I let that thought trail off. I have a bad habit-or maybe a good one-of saying everything I think when I'm with Chloe. Now more so than ever.

"Oh god, hell no." She says. Then, she glances over. Checking for hurt feelings. I give her a look that says "you wish".

"Good." There's a pause. We pull away from where we've been stopped. She taps her fingers on the steering wheel to the song. Then she turns to me.

"Ok, tell me everything. What's going on with you and Ashley?" And then, I know we're okay.

I know we'll always be ok.

Because sometimes, you just form friendships that last. Friendships that ride every wave and than laugh about it. Who get locked in jail with you. Who get detention with you. Who let you copy their homework. Who go to your basketball games.

Who are _always_ _there_.

Friendships that lace you so close to someone that every feeling you have is echoed in them. Friendships that are so far above any other one that no one else can even scratch the surface. And it feels like we just confirmed that. That all the important things are balanced between us.

Friendships that only happen once.

And god, Chloe is so that friendship.

"Well, we took a shower together a couple days ago..."


	13. Next to Everything

**Next to Everything.**

Did I say football games are cold? I change my mind. Corn mazes are cold. Corn mazes are _unbelivably_ fucking cold. What physcho person came up with this idea? And who went through with it? Locking a bunch of defenseless kids in with vegetables and serial killers? One's bad enough, but both?

What the _hell_?

And the more I think about it, the more freaked out I get. The more the wind bites into my shoulders. I shiver a little, rubbing my arms. Then another arm nudges mine and I remember why I'm willing to suffer. Why I'm willing to scare myself shitless.

Why I'm willing to do a lot of stupid things.

And without hesitation.

"Cold?" She asks. I have to resist the urge to look into her eyes. It doesn't work. I glance over and fall right back in. Right back into temptation. Right back where I love to hate to be. I'm not really cold anymore.

"A little." I smile gently. She unwraps the blanket from around her shoulders and wraps half around me. Pulling us closer. Really, really close. We're waiting in line by the maze. It hasn't started yet, but its not much longer. We're in the middle of the line. In the middle of a massive amount of seniors. In the middle and still impossibly cold. Now though, I'm starting to forget about the cold. Because her hip is pressing into mine. Our arms are practically hooked. Feet beside feet. And if I turn my head barely an inch, I could kiss her cheek.

I could freaking kiss her.

But I'm not going to give into that. Nope. I refuse. So I just look in the other direction and try to ingore the tingling sensations running through me. Tilt my head down, shift slowly from foot to foot and ignore what is being so obviously shoved in my face. With skin against skin and touch and heartbeats. Something so simple as touching someone else -something I've been doing all my life- can change so dramatically in such a subtle way that it catches me off guard. It makes me unsure, because I've never felt like this. In a completely literal sense, I have never felt what I feel when she's pressed beside me.

Who would have thought?

Steam is drifting over all of us. Hot breath escapes into the icy air and floats into the night's blackness. White-grey smoke climbs up from red-hot cigarettes. Wisps of heat rise from cups of hot chocolate.

I suddenly have a really strong craving for hot chocolate.

"Hey um..." Ashley starts. She turns her head to me, her warm words mingling on my cheek. "I really want some hot chocolate." Dream girl. "You mind if I run and get some?" She asks, already shedding the blanket. She drapes it over my shoulders.

"Not if you get me some too." I answer, smiling sweetly. Its my classic Spencer smile. It'll make you drop to your knees. No one can resist it-not even Glen. And shit, that's saying something.

"Yeah, of course." She smiles back. I get the feeling that my smile wasn't even needed. That she was going to do it anyway. That she would have done it even if I hadn't asked. And that just drops more feeling deep inside me. Just carves her a little farther into my heart.

She smiles and suddenly I'm on the recieving end of my undeniable grin. I grin back. She disappears into the crowd. She weaves through them with the expertise of a seasoned music festival attendee. I watch her till she's out of sight. And then I think about her. Because her smell is in this blanket. Her hot breath lingers on my cheek. Her smile is in my eyes. She's growing on me.

The problem is, she's already all over me.

_I'm sitting on my couch. I tossed my jacket on the back and flopped down ten minutes ago. The Spill Canvas-Staplegunned-is blaring from my computer. It would usually distract me-and yeah, I'd probably sing along-but tonight I'm too nervous. I'm twisting my fingers again. It's becoming a bad habit. She's becoming a bad habit. I'm becoming a mess of them._

_See where my thoughts go when I'm nervous?_

_For some reason, things have shifted from this morning. This is feeling more and more like a date. More and more how I want it to be. More like its bigger than it should be._

_There's a loud crash. I nearly jump out of my skin and Glen comes barreling in, a football clutched under his arm. His friends crash in after him, one actually managing to shut the front door. They roll around on the ground before me for a good five minutes. I just watch._

_Brothers, right?_

_Finally, one notices me. Not that I"m exactly estatic. I take that back-its annoying. His friends think I'm hot and I think they're...guys. So, gross. Though they do look pretty adorable with their cheeks all red. But that just gets me thinking about how Ashley would look with blushed cheeks. _

_There's really not a doubt about me being gay. _

_"I heard you were going to the maze with Ashley Davies." Glen says, abandoning the football for his second favorite sport. Torturing his little sister. Me and Glen actually get along pretty well. Better than Clay and I, really. No where near what me and Clay used to be, but pretty good considering._

_"Yeah." I agree, trying to figure out where he's going with this. You can never tell with Glen. He glances over at his friends. They smirk, but I get the feeling they're just as clueless as me. _

_"That's cool." Glen says. Then he turns and leaves. Not dramatically, just naturally. Which messes me up more than anything he could have said. What the hell? What was that supposed to mean? _

_I'm still turning the two words around in my head when a car horn honks outside. I peek through the curtains to see Ashley on the street. Her Spider pushing grey fumes out into the air, the windows tinted deep black. The butterflies come back with a vengence. I'm sure they're eating my stomach alive. How can one girl, not so much older than me, make me feel like this? _

_I shrug on my jacket, check for my phone, and then yell to my parents. I crunch across the half-frozen grass, my hands shoved deep into my pockets. I can't see into the car, which is just another on a long list of things that make me undeniably nervous. Apprehensive. Excited. I pull open the passenger door and slip inside._

_She's sitting there, looking every bit of the gorgeous that she is. Her eyes are on mine, a smile lingering on her lips. Her hand slides to the stickshift._

_"Hey." She says. I grin back, pulling the door shut, my eyes never leaving her's. _

_"Hi." I answer, immeadiately shy. I blush a little and hope she can't see it on my cold cheeks. Glancing down at my lap, my fingers are already twisting around themselves. I see a long, awkward car ride stretching before us. Thoughts speed through my mind as she pulls away from the curb. I imagine every weird, uncomfortable situation we could get into. Every slip I could cause. And she dispels every one of those thoughts. She rids me of every nervous tendency. Every caution, every fake laugh, with one simple action._

_She pushes play._

_And The Kooks flow from the speakers. A real, uncontained grin slips onto my mouth. _

_"You listen to The Kooks?" I ask, as She Moves in Her Own Way comes through the speakers. I'm surprised, and pleased, and stoked too. Half expecting her to tell me its just Kyla's or someone's else's cd. She smiles surprised too. _

_"Wait, you actually know who they are?" She says, glancing over at me. Drawing me in. Those big brown eyes. I grin, from her eyes and from my music obsession._

_"Yeah, I seriously love them. Did you see them last month?" She raises her eyebrows a little.._

_"Totally! That concert was awesome!" She grins that smile that only music lover posses. Like looking back on the night of the best sex you ever had, except there's nothing tainted about that memory. No breakups, no morning afters, no awkwardness, no forgetting names. No weird noises or tendencies. Just simple exhiliration and crystal memories blurred by thumping speakers and body heat. Just goosebumps and grins._

_"Yeah, it really was." Except I was there with Sarah. Which, a few weeks ago would have made it better. Now I just wish I would have run into Ashley. Ashley squeals onto the highway and for a moment- just a moment- I revel in the absurdity of us being in her car, alone. Of being with her alone. Of our quick conversations alone. _

_Of coming together, so we won't have to be alone. _

My phone buzzes from my pocket. It's angrily telling me that Sarah is texting me. Buzzing like the text offended it. Apparently it's on Ashley's side. If Ashley even as a side. Maybe it just hates Sarah. _'Wat r u doing?' _Glares from the white screen.

_'At the corn maze.'_ I answer. I slide my phone back in my pocket. I don't want to piss Sarah off, because I don't like hurting her, but I don't want to talk to her either. We really just need to stop things.

Someone nudges me from behind. I turn, expecting Ashley with warm cups of hot chocolate. Instead, Aiden stands there, smiling widely. I merely study his face for a second, realizing with a sick feeling in my stomach that he really likes me. A lot. Derek was bad enough, but Aiden to? Does God hate me?

And then I think about the brunette currently getting me hot chocolate.

And I realize that God just has a sick sense of humor.

I break out one of my best fake smiles and offer Aiden my arms. Hoping Ashely will take her time. Why, I'm not sure. Probably because I don't want her to think something's going on between me and Aiden. Jenna didn't exactly help things. Aiden wraps me in a tight hug. I don't want Ashely to think that I'm interested in anyone else. I also don't want her to think I'm trying to take someone she may be interested in. On one hand, the feeling is all crush. The other is purely friendship. One definietely influences me more than the other.

Of course its the insensible part of my heart.

"What's up?" He asks. I shrug.

"Jut waiting." I answer. I tug the blanket closer around me, her smell wafting up to me. I smile softly.

"Are you going in the maze?" He asks. No shit Sherlock.

"Yeah." Is all I say. I really don't want him thinking he has a chance. Derek is enough. Plus, I hate drama. An even if all my Ashley dreams don't come true, I'm not going to date her ex. Not while we're becoming friends.

"Cool. We should find each other." He says. His voice is subtly suggestive. I think comes naturally to him. Another things about the corn maze : it's a notorious hookup spot. I didn't let myself consider it when Ashley brought it up, but ususally when you invite someone-especially someone not a senior-you hook up with that someone. But I think the rules change when its two girls. I don't know what to expect. That's probably why my stomach is flip-flopping. Probably why I can't focus on Aiden for more than two seconds.

"Uh..maybe." I smile swiftly. He's not as dense as he acts, because he nods. I think he got the message. Good Aiden.

"Alright. Well, hey, we should hang out some time." His voice has lost that edge. He just seems friendly now. But then again, you can never tell with guys. Or, well, I can't. But that might be the gay factor.

"Yeah, ok." I answer. He smiles again, then leaves. A millisecond later, Ashley appears beside me, two hot chocolates balanced in her hands. She smiles.

"Chocolate goodness." She hands one to me- loaded with delicious marshmallows- and I pull open the blanket to let her in. She moves next to me. Much closer than before. Much, much closer. Hips and arms and feet all pressed side-by-side. I sip at the hot chocolate, feel her body next to mine. Feel warmer than I think I ever have. Feel things changing.

"This is really good." I say. She nods, swallowing.

"Yeah, it is." The line before us starts moving. My stomach drops. For a number of reasons actually. The main one is Ashley. But somewhere in that long list is the fact that serial killers scare the hell out of me.

Especially when I'm locked in vegetables with them.

We down the rest of the hot chocolate. Tossing the cups in the trashcan, we move quickly to the front. Ashley sends me a nervous look. I echo it back. Finally, we reach the front. A guy stands there. We hand him our tickets and he pushs us through. There's a sudden turn at the beginning. We both go right.

And suddenly, its really really quiet.

The voices of everyone else fade and all that's left are crickets. And a sudden, loud scream. And holy shit, this is scary. Ashley reaches out and twists my jacket in her fingers.

"Are you, like, insanely terrified?" She asks, her voice hushed but excited. I look over and wrap my fingers over her's. Yeah, this is gonna be fun.

"Yeah." I whisper, because I'm really really scared. I'm really not faking this. She looks over and grins, looking totally stoked. I, on the other hand, am not. Then she hooks her arm through mine and pulls me forward. "Can't we just stay here?" I suggest hopefully. She grins.

"Nope. I paid good money for this."

"I didn't." I say, smirking a little. She laughs again, still tugging me down the path. And truth be told, I'm gonna follow her wherever she goes.

"Yeah, yeah. _I_ paid good money for both of us, so we're not wasting it." We cut down another path. It's still bright where we are, the stadium lights at the edge glaring into the plants. Shading everything blinding white and grey. The corn stalks grow tall and surreal around us, throwing dramatic shadows everywhere. I can see every detail of her face. Our shadows stretch out long behind us, leaving a trail.

It's only freaking me out more. I'm really bad about scaring myself.

"When do the crazy people come?" I'm still whispering. This really is terrifying. I've never _ever_ been this scared.

If something jumps out at me, I think I'm gonna pee on myself.

She pulls me closer. "I'll protect you." She laughs. She thinks I'm joking.

"You'll probably throw me at 'em." I grumble. She pretends to consider it.

"Well..." I give her a look and she just laughs. She seems to realize I'm freaking out though, because she slows doen a litte. She keeps me close. "I'm just kidding. I won't let anyone get you."

"Uh-huh." I say, but I'm smiling and I'm slowly relaxing. The maze is becoming less terrifying and more seculded. It might have somethign to do with the tan arms wrapepd around my own. It's like we're the only ones in here. Our eyes meet for a millisecond and I have a fleeting knowledge that my realizations are echoed in her eyes. We just keep walking, arms locked.

"So, scariest horror movie freak?" She asks, tugging me down another path.

"The clown from It." I answer. Seriously. That clown is fucking terrifying. Sacriest thing ever, hands down. "You?"

"I don't know, maybe-" And that's when freaking _Jason_ launches out from between the cornstalks. He's waving this knife around. Screaming bloody murder. Me and Ashley start hauling _ass_. Tearing down that worn dirt path like it's for real. Skidding over beaten down corn stalks and now I'm having flashbacks to Signs.

We must have been running for three minutes before he loses interest. And trust me, sprinting for three whole minutes- tripping and rounding corners blindly- is a crazy long time to run. Adrenaline pumping and faces flushed. We managed to get utterly lost in those few minutes. The lights have faded, the stalks growing taller. But compared to what just happened, back here it's dark and safe. I like it a _hell _of a lot more. 'Cos back here, I can hide.

I guess my flight instinct kicked in.

I glance over at Ashley and she looks over at me. We bust out laughing. Hands on knees, gasping for breath, laughter spilling out into the silence. Defeating every fear taking hold. Because, oh my god, we just got chased by _Jason_. It rolls out of our mouths, tears coming to my eyes.

"Ok, was that for real?" Ashley asks, finally sucking in enough air to breathe out the words. Wiping her eyes. I'm grinning, teeth bared, warm white breath escaping into the air.

"Yeah, I think it was." I laugh, feeling it in my chest. Standing up. Shoving my hands into my pockets and tugging my jacket close. Still grinning. She looks up from where she leans over, still breathing hard. She smiles wickedly.

"I want to do it again." She says and I laugh gently.

"Ok. As long as it's not a clown chasing us." She laughs too and stands up. Offering her my arm again, we keep walking. Keep smiling. That adrelaline pumping and pure happiness flowing. I get why people hook up in here. You just want to grab whoever you like and kiss her...well, him..or her-you want to kiss them. And the mood is just desperate enough to let you do it.

"Don't worry. I'll fight it off." She promises, nudging me a little. I brush against the corn stalks but pull away from them quickly. I don't really trust them anymore, not after someone jumped out from them. Someone jumped out at _me_.

"Good, 'cos I'm a wimp." She laughs. And in these quiet steps something shifts. Here, where breathing takes over conversation and touch silences the laughter, I reach somewhere else.

I know I'm not in love with Sarah.

The girl I thought maybe I loved. I thought maybe we would make it. But here, I realize the whole meaning of 'rebound'. What I thought and what I now know switch places. Focus in and straighten their lines, make themselves apparent to even the dimmest.

And this whole thing we have- the kiss and go, the love and hurt -it's not something I can keep doing. Or want to. It's not a sudden break, not even a burst of knowledge. It's like I just looked around and noticed where I was. What I was doing. How I was changing. Or maybe how I never changed at all- never took that first step -and only now am I noticing. Only now do I see where my feet have made imprints, have settled so deep into the ground that it's gonna take a hell of a push to get me out of this rut.

Lucky for me, I've got just the person.

Ashley pulls us around a corner and pulls me closer. I lean in, barely even noticing it. Trying not to, because noticing it means that I'm actually doing it. Means I'm getting bolder and sometimes- though I get the feeling not this time- that bold only leads to hurt. An easy brush off or a slight shun, putting myself out there and getting turned down still stings.

But through all this ignoring and all these realizations I recognize the wide open before me. I see through everything I've been building between us, every doubt and restraint. I see all the way to finish line. Well, maybe not that far, but my toe is braced on the starting line. My heel up and balanced, hands flat out, ready to launch off at the slightest horn. At the quietest whistle. The softest breath. Scared as hell but knowing I'm gonna sprint anyway.

Suddenly, there's only one thing veiled between us.

Only one, relationship-defining doubt barring the way.

"Did you hear about Dashboard coming?" Ashley asks. We're trailing deeper and deeper into the maze. Huddled together and crunching on dried stalks in the middle of the path.

"Yeah, me and Chloe are going. Are you?" Our arms still intertwined. We start to lose the imposed alertness the fake-Jason strung on us.

"Yeah. Well, me and Aiden were supposed to go, but..not anymore."

"You should come with us." I feel her eyes glance over. I glance over to meet them.

"Cool. I will." We keep walking. "Wait, I forgot." She's grinning now as she pulls us to stop, tugging me back to face her. Trailing her fingers onto my jacket with a seductive feel I know she doesn't mean. Or doesn't realize. I frown, confused. "One." She counts, pushing my pea coat out of the way. Her fingers find the grey sweater beneath. She twists it between her fingers. "Two." She pauses and glances up to grin into my eyes. "Charlotte Rousse. I like it." I smile, but I'm still confused. She keeps going, index finger pressing against my stomach. Making me burn a little.

Suddenly, I smile. Remembering.

"Three." She counts, finding the thin white wife-beater as she slides her fingers under my sweater. My face is flushing, I can feel it. Oh. My. God. If she puts those fingers on my stomach, I might just lose it. I'm definitely not wearing seven layers, as per the discussion this morning, and she's about to find that out. I'm pretty sure I'm not breathing. I'm too nervous to care. My heart is pounding. My skin is _burning_.

Her fingers find my skin. Three, soft and uneven across my stomach. Press softly into sensitive areas. Ice cold fingers against my warm skin. Sending goosebumps everywhere. I smile awkwardly. Push away any comments about fingers and skin, because you don't voice those things. You can't mutter about what she's making you feel. About the golden warmth running through and down my stomach.

"You're short about..four." She says, looking up at me. She's smiling but it's not reaching her eyes. They're big and open and maybe just as nervous as I am. Maybe I'm imagining again. Maybe I'm tired of second guessing.

"Yeah." I answer, smiling the same. Quickly, like she's realizing the intensity of this situation, she pulls them out. Realizing the boundaries we're crossing, but she stays close. Keeps her foot in the door and I let her. I stay too, feet planted shakily and skin burning. Edging closer to admitting.

"Arrghh!!" This time it's some sort of monstrous werewolf thing, all hair and teeth. It's just as surprising as the first time- shoots a bolt of fear through my chest -but this time its breaking apart the moment. Ashley grins widly at me and grabs my hand. We go tearing down the path and I let out a quick squeal. It's not scared though.

It's kind of estatic.

IOIOIOI

Two hours into the maze and we're not feeling the cold anymore. My breath is still coming out white hot, but my fingers are practically numb. They're wrapped tightly around Ashley's. Her's are cold and strong and soft and keeping me close. I don't how it happened, honestly. Both of us fumbling around in the dark, maybe one latched onto the other. Or maybe by some natural occurence, we just gripped. Or maybe there's some perfecty logical reasoning explaining why we're connected now, but I've given up on trying to explain it. I'm just enjoying it.

"So..any ideas on where we are?" Ashley asks, swinging our arms bewteen us. Conversation hasn't stalled since we came in and shows no signs of stopping. The crush I had- have on her is steadily moving into attraction. Steadily drawing me in on her personality and her laugh. On her touch and her eyes. On all the casually intimate things that I find sort of fascinating.

"Umm...no. None whatsoever" I answer, in a voice that conveys the fact that I really don't mind. She laughs gently. I smile, looking up at the blue black sky and pinpoints of silver light. I stop walking, tugging her back with my hand. Both of us acknowledging the connection without words. "Look, it's Venus." I say lightly, pointing up into the sky.

"For real?" She asks, barely even glancing at the sky. Eyes on me. I laugh and shrug.

"Could be." She laughs too, hitting me with her other hand. Leaving the one wrapped with mine. Leaning into me. Faces inches apart and bodies not even allowing that distance. The moment shifts suddenly, an accumalation of everything I've been feeling all night. Eyes locked together again, I have to desperately resisit the urge to glance down at her mouth. To send that telling look her way. To let her know what I think she's feeling too.

She betrays it.

She looks down and I feel as much as see her eyes on my mouth. Lick at my suddenly drying lips. Wonder suddenly at how quickly moments change. Her hand still clutched in mine. Firmly out of friendship territory, but close enough to back out without repercussion. Neither of us of pulling away. Or going closer. We're just stuck here, face to face, everything on the line. Mouth to mouth. Eyes flicking together and then away. Noses can brush close, but never pushing that moment foward.

Then, she takes my other hand. She pulls back a little, taking me with her. Tearing at the little world we just formed, where anything can happen. Where maybe it will. She smiles softly and I'm too wrapped up to try to read it. Too completely flustered with the way I just let that moment slip away to look into the creases of her forehead and the lines in her eyes. Which is something that's never happened. No matter what the event, what the problem, I can always read people. It comes naturally. Maybe because I'm never really emotionally attached to them. Maybe because I hold myself off. Maybe because I need to understand them to show them what they have to see. To make myself what they have to see.

But here, in this vegetable patch of a place, there's too many emotions laced between us. Too many mutual secrets and a blooming relationship to let me calm myself. Here, I am feeling. And with no regrets. With slip-ups and nosedives and maybe a couple truly brilliant touches, I am throwing myself into the fray. And loving it.

I'm changing.

And I realize it with the first truly terrifying moment of my life. Because I'm opening up. I'm discarding years of perceptions and lies and slowly chipping at walls. I'm becoming vunerable. More vunerable right now then I ever have been. Telling truths to my best friends and going on half-dates with a girl I've liked for ages. In these past weeks, I have changed.

Ashley notices my sudden silence and takes it for something else. Because she pulls her hands away subtly. Steps back silently. But just as quickly, I retrieve her fingers. Squeeze them back between my own. Send her a smile that tells her I really am ok. That this is ok. That eventually, we'll get there. Eventually, secrets will be told, dates will be had, and things will be easier.

Whether that's the truth or not is beyond me.

But honestly, that's ok.

"What do you say we get out of here?" I ask, barely swinging her arm. Stretching for what we just had. Trying to slide our face-to-face moment inbetween our debate over chipmunks and squirrels and our obesession with PacSun. Between the bonds we're forming. But for some reason, it just doesn't want to find a place. It hangs between us, heavy and hard. Tries to make itself a wall.

"Yeah, it's getting really cold." She glances down at the phone she's pulled from her back pocket. Agrees and starts to brush away the moment. A moment I want desperately to hold on to. "It's like 10:20." My phone buzzes from my pocket.

_'Done yet?'_ Sarah texts.

"Hey, you wanna spend the night?" Ashley asks.

It's a decision I make without hesitation.

"Yeah, alright." I tell Ashley. _'I'm going to a friend's house.'_ I text Sarah.

Ashley grabs my arm again. Slender fingers felt through my thick pea coat. She pushes away that wall so easily, the one that was about to crush me. It becomes comfortable again.

Cold, but comfortable.

IOIOIOI

"Ummm...so how do we get out of here?" I ask, looking up and around at the corn stalks. They are literally _everywhere_. Then again, what would you expect from a corn maze? Ashley shrugs.

"I'm not so good at mazes." Ashley says. Swinging my hand absently. A few feet away stands a monster of a tower. Metal bars lead up to the top, but it's empty. It stands out here, all dark grey and man-made among the stalks.

"Let's go up here." I say, pulling her in that direction. Holding her hand closer to me. I start climbing and smile softly to myself. "Stop checking out my butt." I grin. She chuckles below me. Low and soft and enticing.

"Only if you can prove it." She jokes, starting after me. Her boots tapping against the bars. Her hands grasp at the bars my feet linger on. We reach the top quickly, blowing hot air into the sky. It's colder up here, if that's even possible. She leans on the railing beside me. The maze stretches out before us. Miles and miles it seems, paths curving and cutting randomly in a dizzying array of connections. Maybe even more confusing than my current relationships.

"This is really pretty." I say, sweeping my eyes over the land. I glance back at her. She's studying my face.

"Yeah." She says softly, absentmindedly. Then, seeming to realize what she just said, she sends a flirty smile my way. Takes the edge off and turns her head away. I smile gently. She looks more gorgeous, if that's possible, in the bright moonlight. She looks just as surreal and mysterious as she still feels to me. Just as unreachable and at the same time, slipping through my fingertips. So far away even though she's only feet from me. I wonder if that wil ever change and what could change it.

"Spencer Carlin!" A voice calls up to me. I lean over the rail. Addie stands at the bottom, waving frantically. I can see her smile from here.

"Addie Bareilles!" I call back, waving with the same enthusiasm.

"I'm coming up!" She yells. Her date, some football-playing, truck-driving, visor-wearing Southern boy leans over and kisses her goodbye. Then he steps off to the left. Which, to my surprise, is the exit. Right under our noses, huh? Addie clunks up the metal contraption. She surfaces a couple minutes later, cheeks flushed and breath puffing. Grinning, she wraps me in a hug.

"Hey Spence!" She smiles. She has this feeling about her. Like she's full to the brim of energy and she's just keeping it bottled up, right under the surface. Like she's always ready to burst into a sprint or jump in the air and only pure force of will is keeping her in check. When she gets on the soccer field, all that just releases. Her and Chloe, I swear. But that's another story.

"Hey Addie." I smile back. "Who are you here with?" I bump arms with Ashley against the metal. Keep my arm there. Re-forge that connection with an ease I almost marvel at. Addie gestures toward the exit.

"Jason, but he bailed. He's going down to the Pit and I didn't want to go with him." I can almost see Ashley's eyes light up. She turns to me and tilts her head hopefully.

"Wanna go?" She asks. "We can borrow Aiden's truck.." She bribes. I roll my eyes.

"Sure." I say.

"You wanna go with us Addie?" Ashley asks, turning from me. Leaving me a chance to breathe her in and take her in and maybe slow my heart down for a bit. Addie smiles.

"Actually, yeah."

"Sweet!" Ashley's practically bouncing.

IOIOIOI

There's mud everywhere. As cold as it is, as tired as I am from that maze, and as spinning as Ashley is making me, I can't help but grin at the Pit. There's probably no where like it besides down south. It's a very southern, very redneck thing. I mean, the Pit? How much redneck-y could you get? But it's like that guilty pleasure you don't talk about. A rush of freedom.

It's fun.

First off, it's a pit. A big space of dirt, grass killed and run over. Mud now, after someone spilled a ton of water on it. And the guys take their trucks and do donuts. That's pretty much the extent of it. We all form a big circle, take down our tailgates, pull out the beer. Somebody- the bravest or the stupidest- goes in the middle and we indulge in deep south guilty habits. Somebody named it the Pit long before I was born. The cops show up every now and then and it's hilarious, everyone peeling off, hitting each other.

But again, another story.

Tonight, I'm here with Ashley. I've seen her down here a few times, but now I'm here _with _her. Piled in the back of Aiden's truck with a new sense of inclusion. I've sat here before, with Jenna just hanging out. But now I'm crammed in the back, smushed against Ashley and sipping a Corona. Now it's different than before. Not better or worse, just different. It feels like a different place.

Addie's hanging off the sides, swinging her feet. Flirting with another football player. They make her feel safe. No one blames her. We just make sure she doesn't pick the wrong ones and the wrong ones know it. They stay back. Jenna Craig and Spencer Carlin could snap your life in half, as sweet as they can be- or at least that's the word going 'round. We don't mind if it keeps our friends safe. We would both throw down for any of them. That's just the kind of people we are.

Ashley turns to me, her own Corona dripping in her hands. I don't know how we're drinking cold beer when its thirty degrees outside, but we are. It cuts down my throat and bites into my freezing hands.

"You wanna go for a spin?" She smiles wickedly, someting I've been seeing on her more and more. I smile and shake my head.

"Yeah, sure." I agree, probably against my better judgment. She grins and stands up. Offering me her hand.

Five minutes later we're in Aiden's truck. Her in the driver's seat, me in the passenger.

I'm pretty scared.

From what I know about Ashley, and from what I know from Ashley, she's definitely gonna flip us over.

She grins at me and shifts gears.

There's this soft bond between us, buidling from every word we've spoken and everything we've done.

She shifts again and I grip at the arm rests.

But this bond, it's getting stronger and stronger. I'm growing comfortable around her. I'm relaxing.

She moves her foot to the gas pedal.

But I want to be even closer.

I want to be as close as we can get. No matter how long it takes. I want to know ever bit of her- as gutter as my mind goes- I want more than that. I want early mornings. I want afternoons.

I want things I don't know if I can handle.

I want her.

She guns the gas, sending us in a twirl of dizzying spins. I don't know were she learned to drive like this, but I'm terrified and amazed at the same time. Attracted and nervous.

I'm infatuted.

I want next to nothing in the scheme of things.

But in my life, it's next to everything.


	14. Enterprise

**Enterprise.**

_**enterprise**_** : a bold, hard, dangerous, or important undertaking. willingess to to venture on such undertaking; readiness to take risks or try something untried; energy and initiative.**

I sip at my latte, feet curled beneath me, hoodie pulled over my head. Kaley leans her head into my shoulder and sighs softly. Jenna breathes steady on my ankle. Addie shifts quietly on the other end of the sofa. It's ten o'clock, Sunday morning, and we're all hung-over. Heads pounding and throbbing, eyes barely open. Jenna's step-mom kicked us out of her house and so we're taking refuge here. At Carpe Diem. As ironic as that may be. Feeding caffine addictions and waiting for the left-over alcohol to wear away. Sleeping in our favorite coffee shop.

We're crammed on a couch in a tiny nook, laying without regard to legs or arms or bodies. Limbs so mixed together that I couldn't tell you whose was whose. Jenna's head is on my feet, Kaley's cheek pressed into my shoulder. Chloe's somewhere on top of Kaley, and Addie's sprawled on the other edge. I'm ...curled. Someone's phone bursts into sound.

"Ohmigod, somebody answer that." Jenna, the most hung-over of us and the one closest to the offensive noise, moans from below me. This would be funny if I didn't feel like throwing up.

"I agree." Addie's muffled voice comes from a few feet over. Chloe snores from the other end.

I look over at Kaley who's looking up at me. Hazel eyes darkened, sweet vanilla perfume floating over. Vague memories of drunken encounters making us both flush with embarrassment. Making us flick eyes. We were at Aaron's house last night-my second home. Aaron's like our big brother. And when we hang out at his house, we get relaxed. We let things shine through that otherwise don't see the light of day. We slow down.

And we press lips to lips without regard to restrictions.

"'l'll get it." I say, breaking our private tension. I lift Jenna's head from my moccasin-covered feet. Smile at her half-hearted groan. Kaley leans back and lets me go. Lets us slide back into what we should be. The only thing I can, and want, to handle.

The phone's still ringing. It's Cobra Starship, which means it's probably Chloe's phone. Sure enough, her black Razr is blinking and vibrating next to the red flower vase. I scoop it up and slowly sit down in an armchair. Try to keep my head steady and my stomach calm. Basically, I'm trying not to hurl all over everything.

"Hello?" I answer. Closing my eyes and leaning back.

"Hey, um, is Chloe there?" A girl's voice I've never heard comes through the phone. Which is weird, because me and Chloe know all the same people. All of them.

"Yeah, sure. Who's this?" I stand up. Slowly. Start toward Chloe.

"It's Alyssa." The girl answers. "From Atlanta." My eyebrows go up. And just as quickly down. Fighting against a sudden pain in my forehead. Mmm, I should really go back to not drinking. I should really go back to a lot of things.

Like normalcy.

But Chloe met somebody in Atlanta? She left this part out of the story. And, obviously, this is the most important part.

"Oh, cool. Just a second.'" I nudge Chloe gently. As much as I'd like to roll her off this couch. And then yell at her for not telling me about Alyssa from Atlanta. As much as she's so getting chewed out later. But Chloe could beat the shit out of me. And probably would, considering her state.

She blinks her eyes open. Gazes up at me wearily. Squinting even in the low lights.

"What?" She growls. I hold the phone out like a peace offering.

"It's Alyssa from Atlanta." Is all I say. She fumbles the phone into her fingers. I crawl back into my warm space between Jenna and Kaley. Hear her mutter something about 'last night.' A minute later there's a click, then a clatter as the phone hits the ground. I press my cheek against Kaley's head. Close my eyes to the almost silent coffee shop. The owners know, and luckily like us, so they're keeping their voices down.

But I'm not falling asleep.

I'm waiting for my call from my girl my best friend doesn't know much about.

I'm still dreaming about her. Dreaming about Ashley Davies.

Nothing new.

_"There she goes again, the girl I'm-" _

But it is.

I jolt up. Scrambling for the phone before the song continues. Sending a wave of pain through my head that I decide is worth it. Flicking the phone open and cutting off one of the Jonas Brothers- don't ask -from finishing the lyrics I know are coming. From betraying too many of the thoughts I've been harboring. The song that fits me now. _"-the girl I'm in love with. It's cool we're just friends." _Yeah, corny. Cliche, sure. Still, sometimes that's me.

At least, when it comes to Ashley that's me.

"Hey." I answer, untangling myself from Kaley's legs. Almost falling on top of the coffee table in the process. Kaley grins up at me, amused. I send her a self-depracating smile at my own klutziness. My Ashley induced clumsiness.

"Hey." She rasps over the phone. Her voice sounds rougher than usual.

"Party hard last night?" I ask, my voice amused. I curl into the chair I occupied only moments ago. This time talking to my girl- if I'm allowed to even think of her like that -instead of Chloe's.

"Kind of. A couple of Black 'n' Milds kicked my ass." I can practically hear her smirk. I laugh.

"Yeah, well, I got on the wrong end of too many rum and cokes." I tell her. Picking at the soft leather of my shoes. Squinting away from the muted light. Looking just as pathetic as Chloe did.

And, sadly enough, completley enjoying it.

"Aw, hungover?" She asks sweetly.

"Unfortunately. What are you doing?" I ask, after a loud thump echoes through the phone.

"Unloading some amps for our concert."

"For real? You're in a band?" I smile. How I managed to stumble across the veritable perfect girl is beyond me. How I can let that thought trail through my mind is beyond me.

"Yeah. It's called The Professional Year- The Pro Year. Or it was, before I KILLED ALL THE MEMBERS!" She raises her voice on the last phrase, talking to whoever's arguing. The voices stop. I wince a little.

"Ow." I mutter softly.

"Oh, I'm sorry." The sound mutes. "They were about to kill each other and I-" I cut off her hurried rambling. Because, as cute as it is, it's really unecessary.

"It's ok, I'll live." I chuckle.

"What are you doing?" She asks. I hear a quick intake of air and the clunk of metal. I can't help imaging her lugging around band equipment, phone pressed into her ear. Can't help imagining her gorgeous face and her dark eyes.

"Sleeping at Carpe Diem with Chloe, Jenna, Kaley, and Addie."

"Really? I'm at Oyster Camp, right behind there."

"Really?" I'm already up and heading for the door. I turn back to see Kaley looking after me, confused. "I'll be right back." I mouth, sliding sunglasses over my hurting eyes. The sun is unaturally bright outside, especially for this time of year. Especially for the state I'm in. "Back or front?" I ask. She chuckles.

"For real? The front." Trudging across the parking lot, I watch her step our of the club, phone pressed to her ear. Clad in skinny jeans and a black jacket, big black sunglasses on her nose. Some worn band tee clinging to her. Looking all emo punk- if there is such a thing. Hopefully not. "I see you." She says. I can see her smile from here.

"I see you." I answer happily. I close my phone as we come closer. Try to gather my thoughts. My heart jumping up into its Ashley rhythmn. She grasps me in a tight hug.

"Wow, this is weird." She pulls away. "You being there, me being there." She gestures back into the resturaunt.

"Us being here." I smile.

"Yeah. That." She grins back.

"Just lucky I guess."

"Yeah." Another soft smile and another soft pause. She shakes out of it. "I want you to meet my band." She takes a step back, leading me through the wide open doors. Shoves her hands in her pockets. A happy glint in her eyes that I know is reflected in mine.

The room is all black and blue. All rough and worn. A place that I wouldn't go to, but that fits Ashley perfectly. Fits her deep eyes and her curly hair. Fits into her like the beach fits into me. A soft place, as hard as it appears.

She drops onto a stool and spins around once. It makes me dizzy. I can't turn slowly in a circle, much less twirl around on a stool.

"That's Alex." She points to a guy in a dark hoodie, drum sticks in hand. "That's Yiddi." Frizzy dreads and multi-colored pants. "And Jake." Tattooed and lean, Jake finishes off the opposites of the band. No wonder they were fighting. I'm surprised they even speak to one another, much less play music together. "Hey everybody." Ashley stage-whispers. She shoots a cautious look my way. I smile. Telling her I am free from killer headaches. The band turns toward her. "This is Spencer." Ashley says, gesturing to me. Drawing me toward her world. Tugging me even farther in.

Semi-waves and head nods are sent my way. I smile back, lifting my hand in a half-wave. A nervous attempt at being casual. Then I turn to Ashley, standing much too close as usual. Putting myself an inch from her knees. An inch from breaking rules I've followed for years.

"They like you." Ashley raises her eyebrows in my direction. "You got an actual _nod _from Yiddi." I smile.

"I feel so special." She laughs.

"You _are_ special." She smirks to me. Implies my short bus status with ease. "Come on, I wanna show you something." She throws in. Cuts me off before I have a chance to fling a retort her way. Trudging up the steep stairs, she glances back down to me. "Stop checking out my butt." She grins.

"Prove it." I laugh. She laughs too. We fall back into the what we've become. What doesn't come naturally yet. What seems more natural than anything once it does come.

Something we formed carelessly with quick words.

Something we drew carefully with black sharpies.

Something hardly apparent.

_"I can't keep my eyes open anymore." Ashley muffles. Face pressed into a white pillow. I chuckle. Keeping my eyes turned from the light. Which is easy, because she's right next to me. She's distraction personified. I shift my arm from where I lay on my side. Facing her. She stays on her stomach, face half-visible._

_"I can." I mutter. Flicking my eyes away the second the words leave my mouth. Hoping she doesn't see the truth painted on my face. God, I'm bold at five in the morning. _

_"Me too." Ashley says, her voice clearer now. She's looking up at me. Telling me she knows stuff that I wish I knew she did. I smile back._

_"You've got a little something right there.." I laugh. Pointing my finger into her nose. A dot of black sharpie is smeared there. She grins sleepily._

_"You've got a little something right there.." She points too. Pressing her pointer finger into my arm. I raise an eyebrow, glancing down at the spot._

_"No shit." I say dryly. Glancing up to smile again. My mouth hurts from smiling so much. I should limit my Ashley time because of this. Can you pull a mouth muscle? Her finger runs quickly down the sharpie marks there. Eyes clouded with focus, as if she was really examining it. She sits up suddenly. Stretches her hand out for a black sharpie- one of many -lying on the end of the bed._

_"Hold up." Pressing the tip into my arm, she traces a barely there line. Fixing it perfectly, with skill that's surprising. Her eyes go to my face. She flashes me a happy grin. "Perfect." She says. I glance down. Down at the twisting letters and shapes scribbled all over my arm. Half of my body actually. We spent at least two hours drawing on each other. I spent most of it trying to steady my heart. Trying to act like her skin wasn't perfect. Wasn't soft and sweet._

_"Close to." I commend. __**Spencer**__ stretches the length of my right arm. Curving over my slight muscle. Getting mixed in with my blonde arm hairs. Creeping under the tank I'm wearing. She sits cross-legged, admiring her work. I roll onto my back. Pull my left arm up to look at it. _

_"Whats that?" Ashley asks. Pointing to something I drew on myself. I shrug._

_"I think it's..something to do with all the Coronas I drank tonight." I smirk. _

_"Oh really?" She chuckles._

_"Yes really." My left arm is more...abstract. Ok, actually it was drawn while the alcohol was still having some effect. There's a teddy bear. And a ferris wheel. And something that looks like a basketball goal but could be a T-rex. My ankles have winding vines crawling up them. Something Ashley spent a long time on. Luckily, the rest of my legs escaped permanent marker free. Or, unluckily, depending on which part of my anatomy you ask._

_"Well, at least you don't have Santa Claus on a Budweiser horse."_

_"Actually, I do." I twist my arm to show the drawing. She laughs._

_"Oh wow. We are cool." I grin too. My eyes traveling her body. Pretending like they're admiring the art and not the body beneath it. She has a winding dragon up one leg. My work of art actually. I spent the time with my hands on her calf. Feeling the lithe muscle under my fingers. Swallowing hard. That's why the lines are shaky. Why the ink's slightly smeared. Why my throat is so dry. _

_Ashley falls sideways, dramatically thumping into the bed._

_"I am dead." She groans. Eyes shut tightly. She peeks one open to look up at me. "How are you awake?" I smirk gently. I'm awake because I'm in _Ashley Davies' bedroom._ I'm awake because I'm running off adrenaline. I'm awake because of you. Because of your tan legs and your sweet smell. Awake because being asleep means missing these moments. _

_The thumping in my chest. The pleasant burn in my skin. The close-to-estatic feeling running through my heart. The exhiliration of the biggest crush I've ever had. _

_Awake because I can sleep when I really am dead._

"So this is where the magic happens." She throws her arms out. Sweeps her eyes over her studio. Turns and smirks at me. All that knowledge and sophistication lingering behind those eyes. All those questions answered silently. I raise an eyebrow and play off the returning attraction.

"You mean the luck?"

"The talent?"

"The accidents?"

"Pure skill?"

"Plagarism?" She laughs.

"Ok, you caught me! I just do acoustic versions of Justin Timberlake songs." She raises a finger to her mouth. I'm laughing, at the look on her face and the way she's looking at me with it. "Don't tell anybody." I lean closer, smile playing across my face.

"I won't. Promise." She grins again.

"Good." Flops on the couch by the wall. Looking up at me, she gestures to my arm. "Gone yet?" She asks. I roll my eyes and strip off the hoodie. Left in a soft orange tank top and slightly faded sharpie stains. She cracks up. "Wow, never give drunk teenagers permanent _anything_." She laughs. I grin, shaking my head. Because of course _I_ have the black marks all over me.

I fall onto the couch next to her. Toss my hoodie on the edge. She leans up, sheds her jacket in one smooth movement, and shows me her drunken remainders. Her solid memories. The word Ashley is still there, barely even faded.

"You think I should get it tattooed?" She jokes, eyebrow cocked toward me. I nod enthusiastically.

"Oh, definitely." I agree. But a smile breaks through. She rolls her eyes.

"Gee, thanks." She says.

"Anytime." I smirk. Her phone buzzes from the black jacket. She picks it up, glances at it, and tosses it back.

"Aiden." She rolls her eyes. I don't let the smile I feel cross my lips. Don't give her that piece yet. Because I'm not sure if she wants it or not. Not sure if I want to threaten this. Not sure if we can handle shifts right now. So much subtle, so little evident.

"You want to get some coffee?" I ask, randomly. She shrugs.

"Yeah, sure." Standing up, her hair falls to the side of her face. She offers her hand and a smile with it. Still guiding me deep into her recesses. Still, somehow, _Ashley Davies,_ the unreachable that I'm reaching. She pulls me toward the stairs. Letting go loosely, she throws a grin back at me. Throws me a piece that I know I'm ready for. That I wish I got all the time. Because, for diverse and undefinable reasons, I want all of her pieces.

"Last one there buys." She grins. Tears down the stairs and into the warm morning. I grin and jog after her.

"Not fair! I'm hungover!" I call after her sprinting form. No whine evident in my voice, just happiness. Just relaxation. She's already halfway across the parking lot. Sun shining down on her like she calls it to her. Looking for the world like perfect.

Leaving me back here, with her world just on my fingertips.

"And I'm a smoker!" She tosses back to me.

IOIOIOI

Chloe launches over the back of my couch, snagging the remote from my hand on the way. Landing effortlessly, she changes the channel. I'm still in shock. Like, frozen in surprise.

She was supposed to be hung over this morning?

"Dude." I say. Which is totally extreme because I _never_ say dude. Ever. Jenna says dude. Kai says dude. I say..something that's not dude. "You are a freak." I turn back to the tv, pulling my legs up beneath me. Chloe barely glances my way.

"Says the girl who just ate three fluffly-bunny-whatever sandwiches."

"Coming from the single white fan of R. Kelly."

"At least I don't dip cheetos in whip cream."

"Well, that's because you-"

"Arrghh!!" Jenna comes flying in too. Hurtles over the back of the couch, arms flying. She hits the seat, then bumps off. Manages to land with a heavy thud on the floor. It's actually less surprising than Chloe's entrance, because it's _Jenna_. Me and Chloe hardly flinch.

"Did you break anything?" I ask. Ending my "conversation" with with Chloe quickly. We know each other too well, I do believe. I munch on a cheeto, licking whip cream off my fingers, and glance down at Jenna. She sits up quickly.

"Oh man, new ride for Disney World. Gotta go email 'em." She shoots up and goes flying for my computer. Hopping over an end table on the way and almost repeating her crash.

"What's on right now?" Chloe asks, dismissing Jenna's antics. Because, as odd and often disturbing as they are, they're expected. They're part of everyday abnormal life. Part of _us_.

"I don't know. Nothing?"

"Wow, you're really helpful today." Chloe puts in. Finally deciding to comment on my moodiness. With that usual knowing indifference of her's. "Anything bothering that bi-polar mind of your's Spence? A certain girl? Glen? Those disgusting sandwiches?" I shoot an eyebrow her way and search for an answer to the question I've been asking myself all day. The question that's been sporadically appearing in the forefront of my mind. Like a brilliant song lyric or a hilarious inside joke. Only this doesn't flit in and right out. It stays. Lingering annoyingly until I'm drawn into myself. So drawn that I've forgotten why I was asking the question in the first place. Forgotten why the sudden dark mood fell in.

Because I'm not the secretive type. I have one secret. A huge one, yeah. But it's simple to hold on to it. Simple to let it fester inside until I let it go, with Sarah and her fingers. With quiet words and sneaking glances. Simple to slide into who I am without much strain. Now though, for some uncontrallable emotion, I'm letting barriers slip. Destroying walls and moats that stood so sturdy between the two worlds. Carving bridges through the unwavering stone.

And I'm doing it all for Ashley.

I have no idea if she's doing the same.

Ok, that's a lie. I do have an idea. I have an inkling. I have hooked arms and telling glances. Sharpies and teasing smiles. I have the way I feel when she looks at me. And, though it's never been before, I'm letting that be enough. I'm taking a chance- such a huge chance. Such a life-destroying chance. I took two for her already. Two in the shape of admitting myself to my closest friends. And I'm living off their reactions. Letting them carry me forward at blinding speed. At such a constant dash that I've barely had a coherent thought. I'm so lost and dazed that I just keep sprinting. Just keep making that wild dash toward her. Skipping and jumping through all the hoops.

But sometimes it catches up to me. Sometimes, a new wall- one maybe I made myself- pops up in my face. Sends me flying back on my ass. Sometimes, it's all her. It's an indifferent goodbye or a wandering gaze. Mostly, it's me. It's me reading her the way I've been doing for months and coming up with something painful. Something that's probably not even be there.

And I just got hit by a wall. A small one, actually. But one nonetheless and it stopped me in my tracks. It doesn't scare me like it used to. Doesn't throw me backwards twenty feet to skid to a stop. No, it just halts me. Towers over me and dares me to climb it. And, as can be expected from me, I start scrambling. Hurrying up the steep rock because I can never turn down a challenge.

And I can never refuse her.

Or all those emotions she lifts out of me.

"It's nothing." As if Chloe is gonna fall for that. Not after my abnormally long pause. My misplaced eyes. Not after the year and half she's been attached to my side.

"Oh, yeah. I bet." She flicks off the tv and turns to me. "It's about Ashley right?" She crossed her legs Indian-style. Tucks her hands under her ankles. Tilts her head and actually portrays some care in those defiant dark eyes. Shifts the moment from casual to intense in that effortless way only a best friend can.

"Yeah." Sigh. I lean back against the couch. Stretch my feet out onto the coffee table. Relax under Chloe's steady, understanding gaze. "I just..I don't know, you know? It feels like...but I-" I cut myself off suddenly, because I had no idea where I was going with that. Because I don't know. Anything, in general, and important things, in Ashley's case. Chloe props her elbow on the couch, leans her head on her hand.

"Has she done anything?" Chloe asks. Jenna strides in, bunny slippers flopping on her feet at four in the afternoon.

"I heard an important conversation." She says, with that Jenna sweetness you rarely see. She sits down on the coffee table, legs crossed beneath her. Resting a comforting, grounding hand on my ankle. "What's up?"

"Ashley." Chloe says, completley seriously. I have to crack a smile. Because they're taking this so serious, just because it's important to me. It's almost vital. So they make it that way for themselves. Jenna nods with understanding.

"Oh." Eyes turn to me. "You jump her yet?" Jenna deadpans, easily shifting the moment. I grin. Chloe smirks too.

"Any day now." I grin back, and Jenna laughs, breaking her act. She leans back on her hands.

"Good. I taught you well, young grasshopper." Chole laughs from the other end and I roll my eyes.

"That you did, Jen. That you did."

"So, anyway." Jenna shifts it back again. "What's the real issue? Besides all that pent up frustration." I shrug.

"All that pent up frustration." I answer, twisting my fingers. Thinking about her-talking about her like this, with them-it's still so weird. It's still crossing barriers. It hasn't shifted yet, the way my relationships have. The words are still the same-still private and awkward.

"What's she done?" Jenna asks, fingers twisting around the laces of my Converse. I shrug.

"She just flirts with me a lot-ah, this is so weird!" I laugh, embarrassed, and cover my face. Peeking out, Jenna's laughing at me. I glance over at Chloe. She's smiling too, amused. "Stop." I manage, between awkward laughter. My fingers close back over my face. Jenna grabs one hand and Chloe takes the other. Pulling them off my face. Ripping off the band aid. Cutting my safety net. They step in to take it's place. To catch me if I end up falling.

"Ok, get over it. I want the dirt Carlin." Jenna smirks. She's leaning forward, spiky dark brown bangs hanging over one eye. They sparkle deviously, completley offputting the seriousness of her face.

"Fine." I concede. I draw in. Find the words that have flitted about my head often. "We flirt- a lot. She's always touching me- or maybe I'm always touching her. And, I don't know, there's this eyes thing, where we just...connect. I don't know, it's confusing. Hence the frustration."

"Ok, I've got a plan." Chloe puts in. Cutting off, thank god, my rambling. "You're going home with her before tryouts tomorrow right?" I nod. "Find out then. Flirt with her a lot. Touch her- do all the things you've been doing. See what she does. Come back and tell us. Ok?" She doesn't wait for an answer. "Ok." Jenna's eyes are lit up, like they do when she's excited. Which is always.

"Ooh, we should put a wire on her." Jenna grins excitedly. "And then a video camera, and watch like in John Tucker Must Die, except no offense or anything but I'm so not teaching you how to kiss, 'cos gross, but-" I cut her off, grinning.

"Ok, I _know_ how to kiss." I smirk. My head tilted, an eyebrow raised. But Jenna's eyes are still glittering. They still show straight through to her wicked streak. And Chloe's not deviod of that either.

"Not like Sophia Bush." Chloe smirks.

"And you would know?" I grin. Chloe shrugs innocently. "Oh, you wish." I'm laughing, riding off the most honest conversation I've ever had.

"I do." Chloe grins cutely. I laugh.

"Yeah, me too." I muse.

"Alright, this just got too homo for me." Jenna says, lifting her hands up in the universal getsure for "whoa!". She turns to walk away, hiding a smirk.

"Homotize me, Harry!" Chloe says in a little kid voice, in the same tone as "Crunchitize me, Capt'n!" Jenna turns, a mixture of complete wonder and amazement on her face...because of Chloe's stupidity. I take that moment to hurl a pillow at her. She catches it and raises an eyebrow.

"Oh, not in _my_ house." She says threatenly. Her voice dropping a couple octaves. She smirks and whops me in the head. I get up, grabbing another pillow, and hit her back. Somewhere in the background, Chloe's talking as she comes at us.

"Ok, this is _my _house!?"

IOIOIOI

The locker room smells. It always does and it's comforting somehow. The same sweat, air freshener, and perfume that mixes here every day. Only one other place smells this way. Unfourtunately, it's the stairway of a hotel in Illinois. So, not really an option. Instead, I breathe the smells here and take comfort in familiar faces. I push in my own area, my own space. Here in this room- so personal that's it's almost impersonal -I take relief.

This is my safe place.

Pulling at my stiff collar, I drop my gym bag to the floor. God I hate Mass days. Sitting in a freezing gym for an hour doing things I've done a hundred times before and not meaning a single one. But that's not exactly new. Same goes for my relationships; my school work; god, for part of my life.

Dismissing these deep, but definitely angsty thoughts, I lay down on the couch. Tucking one arm under my head. Worry about actions I'm going to take and words I've already uttered. Worry and regret. They didn't come into play until Ashley did.

It's empty in here and I'm thinking about Sarah. About Sarah and how easily I let her go last night. How easily we broke apart. And how hard it is for me and Ashley to even come together. Does that mean we'll be harder to tear or easier to seperate? Does that mean-

"Hey Carlin." Ashley stands at the end of the couch. All curly hair and dark eyeliner. All husky voice and silent footsteps. All warm brown eyes and teasing fingers. Fingers squeezing the top of my shoe, pulling it back and forth slowly. I smile back gently.

"Hey Davies." She just looks at me for a second. I just look at her. Slip a quiet moment, a telling moment, in between. Before the loud laughter and the quick words. She walks around and falls back over my feet.

"Sleepy?" She asks, tugging my skirt down from where it's ridden up. Touching me in a casually intimate way. My hands go to smooth it out. Run over her long fingers on the way. They touch just a little too long. Her suave confidence tells me she's made a descion, but not whether it concerns me. Her fingers tell me other things.

"Very. I had a long night." I answer, and sit up. She lifts her legs so I can swing mine under and around. I lean back against the couch, looking over at her. Studying her slanting jaw and her curly bangs. Her brown eyes. "What about you?" She doesn't look at me. Just glances in the opposite direction. Runs her gaze over sights I'm sure she's seen a million times.

"I had some thinking to do." She says simply.

"About what?" I ask, tossing the words easily before us. Apprehension growing in my stomach- of what, I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything anymore. She slants her gaze to me. Finishes out this dramatic exchange of half-sentences and guessed emotions.

"Just stuff." She says. "Are you going to class?" It's second period and I just got to school. No, it's nothing to do with Sarah. It's to do with the brunette sitting three inches from me. It's to do with desicions to be made. Actions to take. Words I've already uttered. Worries and regrets.

It's all to do with me.

"Nope."

"Good. You want to go to confession with me?" I shrug slightly. I'm a bit surprised she's going, but I push it away. Today's a Mass day, we have voluntary confession before Mass, and she wants to go. Random people go to confession. I should know. _I've _been.

"Sure." She flashes me a grin that makes awkward words and halting looks worth it. That makes everything worth something. Anything worth a bit.

We trudge into the library, hands on chilled arms. Noses pink and cheeks blushed. In the back, the meeting room door is closed. A crowd of people clustered before it, on chairs and around tables. Aiden sits by himself, in a chair beside the door. Ashley turns to me and grins. Pulls me into a chair with her. At a table full of people. Chilled hands and arms pressed together, noses and cheeks inches apart. Warmth found from each other, in an exceedingly natural way.

And then I remember.

I realize why she flashed me such a teasing, knowing smile. Why this confession seems like such a realization.

Why all my realizations tend to lead to her.

_"Yeah, sure. Anything to get out of here." I roll my eyes in the teacher's general direction. Denney grins and rolls her eyes too, body turned sideways in the seat to face me. She raises her hand, leaning forward on her knees._

_"Yes, Ms. Stone?" The teacher asks, marker paused in her hand._

_"Can me and Spencer go to confession?" Denney asks sweetly, in that suckup voice that everyone knows is fake except for the teacher. I never use it. Mainly because my smile will get me anywhere, even if I was speaking another language. The teacher pauses, with that look asking if we're serious. Denney tilts her head innocently._

_"Sure." The teacher waves her hand and turns back to the board. Denney grins and stands up._

_"Let's go." She whispers, already heading out. I silde my phone into my hoodie pocket and follow her._

_A couple minutes later we're in the library, arms hooked and laughing at some junior who just busted his ass on the stairs. He was also singing when he fell. God I love guys._

_"God that was hilarious." Dennery laughs, pulling me toward the room in the back of the library. When we get there, it's packed. About twenty people are lounging around, leaning over tables. There's like five chairs standing beside the door to the confession room. And guess who happens to be sitting in one them?_

_Ashley Davies. _

_Sitting beside Aiden Dennison and looking over at me with those brown eyes. I meet them quickly before glancing away. Trying to retain some semblence of cool and not go mushy over some guy's girlfriend. That reminds me. Ew, Aiden Dennison. He may be hot, and funny, and cool, and an awesome basketball player, but...he's kissing Ashley and I'm not. Yeah that's basically the only reason I don't like him._

_I make my way through the collection of scattered tables. Grinning at a couple people I know, knocking fists with this junior I met last weekend. I glance over and find Ashley's eyes still on me. Aiden's watching me too and that kind of weirds me out. Does he want something from me? Know something I don't? But Ashley's looking right at me, _right at me_, and that's almost all that matters._

_I slide into a seat beside Denney, feeling Ashley's eyes on me the whole time. Denney whispers something to me and I can't help but laugh. Apparently, Deacon Keller has a ketchup stain down the front of his clothes from the food he was sneaking. Sounds like Deacon Keller, who's an eighty year old man with a major sweet tooth. _

_Sitting there and talking to Denney and trying to appear completely normal even though Ashley is boring holes into my cheek and I'm utter mush and all I want to do is meet her eyes and feel that stomach drop and flushed cheeks...well, it's harder than it probably should be. In fact, it's pretty much impossible. _

_So, I glance up, straight across the table and into Ashley's eyes across the room. For an instant, we lock eyes and I get all those feelings I wanted. Flushed cheeks and a racing heart and everything she causes in me. But then I look down. Look away, because locking eyes with Aiden's girlfriend is weird, especially when he's staring at me. And not at any of the other people in here. They're both watching me and it's really weird. Making me flush, but mainly that's her. Actually, it's all her._

_We've been talking for a few minutes and a couple people have gone to confession when the bell clangs overhead. Everyone gets up, going off to church in the gym. Denney grabs my arm._

_"Ohmigod Spencer, I have to go to confession. Please wait with me?" She says, obviously freaking. She's a Sunday Christian- we have a lot of those here- who drink and smoke on the weekends and then confess it and pray. Say their rosary and bow before the Eucharist. I shrug._

_"Yeah, sure. I'll wait." There's like four other people in here, not counting Ashley and Aiden who are talking now. Denney and I are sitting at the farthest table, crammed together. Another person comes out of the confession room and Aiden goes in. Denney stands up._

_"Let's go sit over there." She says and my heart keeps up its steady racing. Because there's only five chairs and I'm gonna be sitting near Ashley. An empty seat beside the door, then the one Ashley's sitting in, then two empty ones, then some freshmen. And I'm sort of praying that Denney will sit in the one next to Ashley, but some part of me is hoping for the oppostie. _

_Denney reaches the chairs and drops into the one next to the freshman. Knowing she's making me sit next to a senior and shooting me an apolegetic look. Leaving me the one side by side to Ashley. My heart starts pounding. Ashley looks up at me and I meet her eyes before tearing mine away. I slide into the chair and I swear I'm half off it, trying not to touch Ashley and trying to act normal at the same time. Trying to hide the fact that this girl beside me is the object of the biggest crush I've ever had._

_Hiding the fact that I'm the opposite of confident right now._

_Denney starts talking to me about some guy across the room. Gossip about his girlfriend and his band. I try to relax. Scoot over in my seat un-obviously. Praying to god in my Sunday Christian way that he'll let this wonderfully awkward moment last forever. That she'll be an inch from me for a long time. Pathetically obsessive over her._

_It's really awkward._

_Because I know she knows, and I know I know, and somehow between all that we both know, we've cut each other off. We've drawn a thick line between us. And while I can practically _feel_ her beside me, I can't let her know. I can't look at her, or notice her, or do anything to acknowledge her prescence. Minutes pass in tensed quiet. Denney's chattering barely breaking into my wonderfully distracted mind. Just Ashley's skin and her smell and her closeness._

_Then, she tilts a little. Runs her arm into mine softly. My heart literally stops beating. Stalls in my chest. Tries desperately to rumble back up but only succeeds in sputtering sadly. She glances over quickly. Captures my eyes with her's. Entraps me and I forget every practiced ignorance. She smiles a little. Sends me the quickest tender little smile I've ever recieved. Graces me with it. Cranks my heart back up to full speed. To face-flushing racing. I manage a teeny smile back. Then, we look away._

_And, can I just say, oh my God._

_Oh My Fucking God._

_Finally, Aiden comes out and she goes in. Finally, I can breath. Finally, nothing is final anymore. Nothing solid. Everything is back to guessing looks and private worlds. Everything like it should be._

_Like I wish it wasn't._

Ashley nudges me.

"I'll be back in a second. Are you going?" She asks, untangling herself from me and me from my memories.

"Uh, nah. I'll just go next week." I tell her. She grins.

"Alright." I can't help grinning back.

"Ok."

IOIOIOI

One hour and forty-five minutes of tryouts. Of chest-heaving running with dead legs. Of jumping and shooting and driving and cutting and trying to be the fastest, the best, and the most impressive.

One hour and forty-five minutes of worrying about this afternoon.

Of doing everything I can, the fastest I can do it, and trying to forget that after all this is over, I'm going home with Asley. To her bedroom. And her kitchen. To every part of her house that's becoming familiar to me. From half-drunken stumblings and blurry-eyed mornings. Soon, from worn-out legs and aching ankles. Fifteen minutes to go and I'm gasping for breath.

Coach Gary strides to the middle of the court. Whistle swinging from his chest. Clipboard in hand.

"Alright girls. We're gonna end a little soon today. My wife's delivering her baby this afternoon." He announces. Everyone glances over at each other. His wife is pregnant? Wait, he's married? I frown, wondering how I completley missed that. "Good job. I'll see ya'll tomorrow."

Stumbling off the court, I accidentally-on-purpose push into Ashley.

"Watch where you're going." She growls. Shooting me an evil look that is totally fake. I roll my eyes and smile.

"I will if you will, freak." I mutter back.

"What did you say?" She threatens, coming up into my face. Carrying on our charade to ease the tension looming ahead.

"I don't know. What'd you say?" I shoot back.

"You wanna go?" She lifts her arms.

"Yeah. Let's throw down. Right here, right now." I return.

"Jerry, Jerry." Rachel chants in a deep voice from behind us. Her hands up like a camera, she circles around us.

"Fine." Ashley says.

"Fine." I almost grin at the fierce look on her face. Almost.

"Ok."

"Ok."

"Good."

"Good." She breaks first, a wide grin sliding over her face.

"Awesome?" She questions. I grin too.

"Amazing." I say back. Our facade broken, the small group that surrounded us comes apart. Ashley nudges into me again.

"You're a dork." She laughs.

"Oh, because I started that." I laugh back, teasing sarcasm in my voice.

"Yeah, yeah." She chuckles. Pushing her arm against my still-sharpie-stained one. Her's is coloured too, even darker than mine. Resisting soap and scrub. Those sharpie testimonies of questions and results. Of Coronas and sleepovers.

Of things to become and things to remember.

Of hands.

IOIOIOI

"OK, I know it's around here somewhere." Ashley mutters, hands shoved under the blue-green seat. She's kneeling in Kyla's backseat. Searching for a CD that she says I need to hear. So I'm crammed back here too. My own hands pushed into places I wish I didn't know existed. Gum wrappers and hair ties; change and crumbs. Gross stuff I hope I forget quickly. Ashley sighs. "OK, I don't think its back here." She says, sitting down in the bottom of the car.

"Just make one." I suggest. I sit down on the seat and look at her. It's freezing out here, like twenty degrees in this tiny garage. We've been looking for ten minutes. The CD's no where to be found.

"Ok." She agrees, and climbs up to sit next to me. It's almost seven o'clock. A couple hours passed with Veronica Mars reruns and cheese balls. With coming closer and closer. Touches and eyes and flirting. Hurtling toward something that I've seen on the horizon for such a short time. On the horizon for a couple days and we're going toward it faster than I've ever moved.

Her eyes meet mine from across the seat. She grins foolishly and leans over me. Grabs something from out of the door. Kneeling next to me, face much too close because I can't do anything about it. Because I desperately want to. She smells so good, looks so good. Is so good.

"Found it." She grins. Holds the CD over my lap. But she doesn't move her face. Doesn't pull away like she has been the past couple hours. She doesn't tug us back into neutral territory. It's a chance, and I know it. She stays there, an inch from my mouth.

And I take it.

I take that subtle invitation in the boldest move I've ever made. I lean forward, I lean sideways, and I kiss her. I kiss Ashley Davies. In the culmination of things I've wanted for so long. In the desicive assurance that what I feel is felt too.

Because she kisses me back.

Here, in this dark green freezing car, we're sliding away our self-made barriers. We're pressing lips to lips, skin against skin in sudden, impulsive moves that we mirror in each other. Her mouth is warm, hands hot against my frozen arms. Hot in this icy, unfamiliar garage. Mouth warm and damp. My eyes fluttered closed the moment I pressed my lips to her's. Shut finally with the breathtaking force of this moment we're creating. Of fingers through my hair and warm leather against my side. This moment we're etching into our memories. Finally shading in those pencil sketches I imagined so long ago, coloring them with trusty black sharpies.

I can't even hold myself up anymore, so overtaken by this innocent kiss. I'm leaning back against the seat, she's turning her body to face mine and before we have time to process it, or overthink it, she's straddling me, knees pressed down beside me.

We're sprinting across this no-man's-land. Tripping, stumbling, skidding; skidding like her hand down my arm, stumbling like my fingers through her hair. Tripping like my heart down my chest. We're sprinting over the sand-drawn line that we barely pressed into the ground. Sprinting so fast that it's out of sight now. Kicked up and flying behind us. Forgotten under tenative tongues and burning skin sliding under smooth fingertips. I'm feeling everything and causing the same reactions, and soon I find my reality blurring.

Her lips press against mine, again and again. I'm matching her moves, tasting what she offers. Our bodies move naturally and in another quick, skilled movement, I'm lying against the backseat. Somewhere I've come to know much too well. It feels new today. More or less forbidden, I can't decide. But it feels more right than any guy pressed down on me has ever felt. Because she's pressed against me. She's pressed _with_ me.

We're in thistogether.

We're diving headfirst off the slope we've been teetering on for what feels like ages.

We're forging new bonds and strings. Tangling them together till they form tightly woven ropes. They tie us together in places I didn't know could connect. Tie us closer than we were, bring us to new places, and new normals. New ideas and new outlooks. New relationships.

And then she pulls away.

She pulls away, her hair curlier than before, her face flushed. Her eyes bright. She looks down at me, something in her look that I know is echoed in mine. Something new. Something whole. She bites her lip. Her thighs are wrapped around mine as she leans back on her heels. My lips tingle. Her hand clings nervously at the back seat and her eyes ask questions that I don't even have to hear to understand. So I lift my hand up and tuck it under her chin. I pull her back down. Capture her lips in mine. And answer all her second guesses.

After what feels like days have passed, we break apart. We're both stretched across the seat now, Ashley somewhat on top of me. And her eyes look up at me, from where her chin lays atop my thundering heart. And she grins, glancing down at my tingling lips, which feel light without her comfortable mouth pressed against them. Kissing her is addictive.

"Hey."

"Hi."

As always, we are masters of the English language.


	15. Oooooo

_**Oooooo**_

Ashley steps down from the car. Drops down with a little hop, like maybe she has a reason for hopping and smiling and that sparkle teasing me from her eyes. She turns to face me. Offers her hand and a smile and some other things that I can't place. It's still freezing in here, but her cheeks are warm. Eyes are bright. Fingers soft. And when she presses me so gently against the car to put her lips against mine once more, I think I've found a new favorite season.

Winters have basketball. And hot chocolate. Fuzzy jackets and soft socks.

Winters have Ashley.

I kiss her back, just as gentle as her push. Just as new. It still feels like stretching, like reaching for her. Reaching for the unreachable. Only now I get the feeling she's reaching back. She's jumping through all my hoops and maybe even falling back on her ass. Maybe even hitting her own walls. It seems impossible considering everything I've been going through and then multiplying that by two and sticking Aiden and Derek and basketball and life in there and mixing it all together- dropping it all in front of us. It seems impossible that we got here.

It's still reaching. But it's not frustrating or painful. It's not for her. It's reaching for belief. For acceptance that I didn't just fall asleep in English and I'm having an _insanely_ realistic dream. Belief that she wants to kiss me the way I want to taste her.

She leans back. Steals my hand with her nimble fingers, half-covered by a tattered sleeve. By a well worn, over sized hoodie. She grins, so suddenly and so brightly, in all her nose-crinkling glory. And god, I grin back. I've never grinned so wide, never meant it so freaking much. And this time, _I_ tug her to _me_. This time, I kiss her gently, in this icy unfamiliar garage that's becoming a new safe place. A new room for secrets- but maybe they're the good kind. Maybe, these are secrets meant to be private and meant to be kept.

Maybe, I've never had secrets I want to keep inside the way I do with these.

The way I do with these kisses.

I pull back first. Study her eyes and her flushed cheeks. Those dark eyes that melt me like hot chocolate, held so carefully between her hands. Like the romantic that I sort of am. That I totally am and yet attempt to hide most of the time. Because a secretly gay romantic? Well, I guess we all are. Somehow it's still painfully frustrating.

But I'm getting wrapped up in thoughts.

"You got a little..." She trails, voice absentminded like she's far far away. Lifting her hand up casually. Smudging her thumb soft across my neck. She smiles and wipes her thumb against her pants. "Cheeto dust." She explains, finding my eyes again. "Now if only we still had some of that whip cream..." Her voice is hushed and teasing under the cold. She smirks. I smile back, blushing a little. What can I say? Totally addicted to cheetos and whip cream. And her.

"Why Davies, how naughty of you-" I finally find my voice but she cuts me off with her lips. Pushes me right back against Kyla's car and kisses me again. Kisses the cold and the nervous right out of me. Presses that warm mouth into mine. When she pulls back a second later, she's smiling again.

"Couldn't help it."

"I have that effect." I smirk and she laughs. I love making her laugh. She swings our hands between us.

"You want to go inside? Where it's not negative degrees?" She asks, already pulling me toward the door.

"Yes please."

IOIOIOI

Christina Aguilera's blaring through the speakers. Ashley's in boxer shorts- if you can call them that and not that I'm complaining -laying back on her bed. She's grinning at me. Flashing those pearly whites and crinkling nose. Finger's laced over her barely covered stomach.

She is driving me crazy.

We agreed on taking it slow. Huddled under a warm comforter, hands wrapped around hot chocolate mugs, we did the deep, meaningful conversation thing. All concerned, thoughtful eyes. Lips pushed together. Legs crossed and leaning forward. Tucking wayward strands of hair behind her ear. All adorable.

It didn't really help the whole arguement of taking it slow.

But I agreed. Because even if I don't like it, I can usually figure out what's best for me. And Ashley seems to be that right now. So, to keep Ashley, we're keeping it slow. And to keep it slow, I'm not allowed to pounce on her right now and fuck her senseless.

Not that I'm, you know, daydreaming about that or anything.

But it must look like I am, because she shakes her head. Waves her fingers my way.

"Spencer? You still here?" She smirks. Sits up and crosses her legs. I'm perched on the edge of her bed. Guitar balanced across my lap. I tried to get her to play it for me but she wouldn't. Something about making me 'waay too horny', plus a teasing smile or two and I was mush. So, instead, I lifted it up myself. Balanced it awkwardly across my legs. Now I'm strumming it in a god awful way and she's grinning over at me. Looking amused and sort of in pain. Looking, still, adorable.

"What-yeah, I'm here." I smile a little embarrassed. Look back down at the guitar and keep strumming. Trying not to use my stupid periphieral vision to gaze at her legs. They're stretching out right in front of me. Asking for my hands on them. Telling me to run my finger over that teeny freckle.The sharpie marks have faded to barely there black streaks and random blotches. Memories that don't need proof anymore. Memories that are solid of their own accord.

"Ok-ok, let me help you." She gets up on her knees, placing a quick hand onto the strings. Trying to get all that squealing to stop. I grin up at her diasarmingly.

"What? I thought I was doing pretty good." I grin. She laughs and shakes her head. Makes her way around me and then settles in behind me. Drops one hand onto my waist. Slides the other one over my hand. I can feel her smile into my neck.

"Ok, first off, you strum with your fingernails, not your whole hand." Her voice just dropped three octaves. Slipped into that sweet, sexy husk that's ruining my decision to take it slow. How can she be so sweet, and nice, and kind, and funny, and still make me want to drop to my knees and beg her to do really dirty things to me? I think this is love. I think she is love. I think I can't really think with her pressed so close to me.

"What's strum?" I manage. I'm not sure if I know or not, but my name is getting hard to remember so it doesn't really matter. She chuckles. I wonder if she know's what she's doing to me. Probably. The same way I slink up behind her in the kitchen. Placed my hands over her eyes. Breathed in the way she smells, all mixed in with the warming chocolate.

She chuckles again.

"Ok, I'll show you." She lifts the guitar from my hands. Settles in across from me. She glances up once and smiles a little nervously, color rushing her cheeks. She rolls her eyes at her own hesitation. Pausing, her face growing more serious, she looks down at the guitar and bites her lip.

Then, she smirks.

"Feels like a Friday night, but it's only Monday afternoon..."

_It's the first day of basketball camp. The first day I'll spend at Robinson as an incoming freshman. It seems fitting somehow. I moved here three weeks ago. Three measly weeks of unbelivably hot weather. I've never been this tan in my life. But Glen's always at the beach and Clay's always at home and I had to make a desicion. I come home every day covered in sand and ignore Clay sitting in the den. _

_But things are better. Mom likes the new job. Dad's working for the city. And Glen...is Glen. And I'm still me, which is why I'm sitting in this gym with my back to the bleachers. Robinson has a girl's basketball camp and all incoming freshmen who go to it get to practice with the JV team for the summer. Apparently, if you make it through the summer, you're already on the team. _

_So I'm here. In some old t-shirt and shorts. My beatup old basketball shoes laced up tight with bright yellow laces. Hair pulled back. Sitting nervous, over in the corner with the rest of the freshmen. I don't know anyone, but no one else knows anyone anyway. I'm thankful we moved here freshmen year. I'm just a couple steps and friends behind everyone else._

_"Where'd you go to school?" A body lands next to mine. Presses back against the bleachers as well. I glance over quickly, startled from watching the already basketball players on the court. Am African American girl- or maybe she's mixed, because her skin if soft brown -is sitting next to me. Defiant dark eyes questioning mine. Eyes that don't match her easy voice._

_"Um, King Middle." I reply, instinctively. Her eyebrows crease, like she's never heard of it before. She wouldn't because- "It's in L.A." I add. Her eyebrows go up._

_"You're from L.A.?" She asks. I nod._

_"Yeah. I"m Spencer." I smile quickly, brightly. _

_"I'm Chloe." She grins back and her whole face changes. Goes from defiant and defensive to relaxed and warm._

_And that's when my whole world changed. That's when I met the person who would help me create a whole new world. _

_Just another reason to love basketball._

_We've been in warmups for a few minutes, stretching and jumping and chatting away the nerves. All the freshmen are in one long line. Chloe's going on and on about her swim coach getting pushed in the pool and the whole line's laughing. At the head of each line is a varsity player. We don't have one._

_Apparently, she's late._

_There was lots of muttering and angry fingers when Coach Gary- Barry?- discovered this. A couple players offered excuses and now we're just doing our own thing. Me and Chole are in the front. Mainly because no one esle wanted to go first. I don't think either of use care. We're laughing, her baring her brilliant smile, me leaning my head back. I can tell we're gonna be good friends._

_Being the first one in line, I'm turned toward everyone else. They're facing me and I'm sorta leading. Mostly I'm just doing whatever the line next to me is doing. So, when she walks in, at first I don't see her. I'm impersonating my older brother, making a gruff face and an even gruffer voice. Chloe's laughing her butt off. When she stops kind of suddenly, my grin slips a little._

_"What?" I ask, frowning as she looks up above me. We're strectching our legs out before us, but my hands are just kind of resting on my knees. I wasn't really trying. I turn my head back and up. _

_If there ever was a life-changing moment..._

_There's a dark-haired, dark-eyed beauty standing right behind me. Hands on her hips, amused smile on her face, eyes twinkling. In short shorts and a t-shirt. Absolutely gorgeous._

_"Taking over for me?" She smirks, breifly flicking her eyes out over the rest of the line. She's grinning down at me. I think she caught my whole Glen impersonation._

_"Nope." I grin, turning to face her. I'm still gazing up at her. I can't take my eyes off of her. "You can have it." She laughs, meeting my eyes for real. With dark brown eyes._

_"Thank you." She steps back a little and sits down. Getting the rest of the line's attention. She smirks confidently. Glancing into my eyes shortly. _

_"Hi, I'm Ashley Davies and I'll be your varsity player today." She grins._

_I run my hand over my ponytail and reach back to tighten it. It's my third day here- of four -and the people are starting to become friends and the drills are starting to become regular. Me and Chole are going to the mall after camp this afternoon. She's...exactly like me, minus the really cheerful personaity. But she also does these things that I would never do and so we're bascially becoming best friends. _

_Camp is fun. Uneventful, but fun. Same old, same old. Ashley Davies is gorgeous, and kind of friendly, but I'm too nervous and unsettled to get a crush on her. Too out of place to feel such a fresh emotion._

_We're doing jump rope drills right now. Which means we "get" to jump rope down the length of the court. Two feet, left foot, right foot, fast, slow...it sucks. But me and Chloe got in the back of the line. We're talking about the other players. It's not so much gossip as it is...criticism. Ok, it's gossip. But its basketball gossip and that's a whole 'nother category than regular gossip. _

_I'm last in line, jumping fast down the side of the court on my right foot. Its not hard. Its not easy either. Before I get to the end, the whistle blows. Time to switch stations. I stop in the middle of my jump, manage not to fall all over my feet, and distangle myself from the rope. _

_When I look up, Ashley Davies is standing in front of me. She's smirking, something she seems to be doing every time I see her. I smile back and sheepishly hand her my rope._

_"Thanks." She says, hanging it over her shoulder. _

_"You're welcome." I smile back. She looks like she's about to say more, but her phone goes off. _'Feels like it's Friday night, but its only Monday afternoon.' _She makes an apolegetic face and reaches into her pocket for it. "I'll catch you later." She raises her eyebrows and smiles._

_"Yeah." I smile back._

_That's the last time I see her all summer. Last time before the beginning of something that changed things._

IOIOIOI

It's gotta be near one on a school night, but I'm not tired. I'm never tired around Ashley. Always running off adrenaline and happiness. Always on and always smiling. I'm not sure if it's healthy. It's like a sugar overdose- feels great but leaves you half-dead and delusional the next day.

"I like knowing I can do this." Ashley mutters, pressing her lips into mine. I'm thinking I'm already delusional and being half-dead tomorrow is so worth it. I'm still gonna take all the sugar I can get my hands on. I trail a finger down her jaw. She pulls back after a minute and rolls onto her back. Smiling to herself. I'm in sweatpants now- a pair of Ashley's, pretty gold with a Saints logo on the leg -and a tank top. She's still in those boxers.

Still driving me crazy.

But then, when did she ever stop?

She laces her fingers with mine on the covers. I turn my head her way. I like looking at our hands. I like the way they fit and the way they make my arm tingle. I like a lot of things and most of all her. I run my thumb over the leftover lines of a star by her wrist.

"Jennings was all over my ass for that." She says, looking down at the lines on her arms. And legs. And there are a couple on her neck. She's talking about our principal, Mr. Jennings, who's a pyscho.

"I guess I'm gonna have to kick his ass." I grin and roll to my side to see her better. Bring our entwined hands up to press a kiss into that star. She grins and turns her head my way.

"Walked into that one." She laughs.

"Yep. But he yelled at me for it too." I look down at my own lines. They should write _permanent _bigger on those tiny little things. Like, all the way across it. Might save a few drunk people a lot of trouble.

"I like 'em though." She says, still studying the faded star.

"Then we have to put them somwhere no one can see it. At least, not Jennings." I say. Sitting up. She raises an eyebrow and smirks suggestively.

"Spencer Carlin, I never..." I laugh and push my finger into her stomach.

"Did not mean it like that." I laugh, rolling out of bed. In search of one of those many sharpies.

"Yeah well you-"

"-walked into to it." I finish her line and look up at her. Bending over under her desk. "I know." I grin. She's propped up on her elbows in her bed. She shakes her head and holds up a sharpie.

"Looking for this?" She asks, waving it toward me.

"Yes." I stand up, barely missing the desk with my head. I go over to her bed and climb onto her. As bad as that sounds. Taking the offered sharpie from her hand, I look into her eyes. Hot chocolate eyes and a spotlight smile.

And she's mine.

I scoot back a little, trying to cut the friction as much as possible. Then, I push her tank top up from her stomach. Looking up into her eyes, I raise a questioning eyebrow. She smiles back at me.

"Work your magic Spence." I smile softly and tilt my head back down. Eyes back on her tan, smooth skin. On her defined abs. On every inch of skin that I'm barely refraining from pressing my lips into. From kissing every bit of her.

Yeah, this drawing is gonna suck.

Carefully, purposefully, I put the tip of the sharpie to her skin. Start drawing, something I never really do unless it's on her. These sharpies draw admissions and truths -not just shapes and words. These sharpies draw new bonds and strings and fragile connections.

These sharpies draw us.

Ten minutes later, I pull back. Finally taking my steady hand from where it was wrapped around her hip. Take my wrist from where it rested on her stomach. From her tantalizing smell and sinfully soft skin. When I look into her eyes she's got the same bedroom look I've seen on Sarah so many times. She blinks a couple times and glances away. I smile softly. Something deep in my stomach glowing at her dark eyes and goosebumped skin.

I roll off her quickly. Prop myself up on my elbow and study the drawing. Try to ignore the hungry pit in the bottom of my stomach. Knowing we need to slow down and keep it slow but not having any of the know affecting the want. I look at the brand new sharpie stains. Her name is graffitied at the top of her stomach. There's a heart over her belly button. And my name splattered just above her boxers.

She looks down and smiles softly.

"I love it." She says, glancing up to capture my eyes. To tell me she wants what I wants and she's holding back just as hard. Then, she rolls over as well and kisses me. Kisses me with more passion than she has all night. I kiss her back the same. But we both pull away after a few minutes. The clock's glaring a bright red 2:00 am. She steps off the bed and grins sheepishly. "I'm gonna go..sleep on the couch." She says, wrapping a warm blanket around her shoulders.

I smile too. She looks too adorable, in tiny shorts and a tank top pushed up to show our names. A blanket draped around her shoulders. Smiling sheepishly with darker eyes.

"Are you sure?" I ask, still lying on the bed. She nods.

"Probably." She shrugs her shoulders. "I should be." She takes a step back.

"Well hey." I reach a hand out to her. She takes it and I pull her back down. Plant a sweet, soft kiss on her lips. "G'night." She smiles into my mouth.

"Night."


	16. Our flag is white

**Our flag is white.**

Ashley pushes me back against the locker. Wraps her fingers in my jacket. I feel them firm against my stomach. I drag my fingers through her hair. Press my mouth against her's. Trying to make this last me through the day.

A whole day.

Of non-Ashley-ness.

Sigh.

We're still kissing soft. Still taking our time. Because even if we don't have much of it, slow is better. For me and Ashley, slow is best. Why rush what will be there? Why jump into something when you could explore it from every angle. Every inch and stretch of soft skin. Why run into something that's supposed to last.

Plus, I'm scared.

I got what I've wanted for months. I got it just by asking- by accident. I got the girl of my dreams. And I'm scared to shove this forward. I raced to her. I smiled the right smiles, muttered the right truths. I jumped the hoops and now that I'm here, I'm frozen. Now that there's no true subtle, now that everything's out in the open, its just me here. No Chloe, no Jenna, just me.

Me and Ashley.

You won't find me complaining. Or dreading or stepping back. I'm not saying that I regret anything. Because it's the exact opposite. These past weeks have been the best of my short-compared-to-some life. They've been stressful and new; gentle grins and quick laughter. These weeks have been us coming together. Now we've built that first brick. Carved and molded and shoved it into the ground. Hopped on top of it to build something else. To keep working and keep going, only now there's strings between us. Now there's this promise that there is another brick to build, another rope to tie. There's more to come.

We just don't have that comfortable yet. We haven't mastered the shift from friends to more. No familair habits or usual actions. We're learning though. Soft and slow and subtle, we're learning.

And I'm kind of terrified.

Kind of scared of the safe little world we live in. All the judgements and people are forcing their way into what we are. When we were just friends it was easier. We weren't doing anything wrong- we still aren't, only now, there's some who would say different. Some who would say that these traveling hands and pressed bodies in this bright locker room aren't God's kind of right.

Aren't right at all.

The door from the stairs clangs open. Ashley takes a quick step back. Hands still twisted in my clothes. I pull my hands down from her hair. Rest them, hesitant, on her smooth neck. Both our eyes trained on the stairs. No one's there. Voices carry down, soft and laughing. Ashley takes her hands back. I pull mine away.

I hate this.

I know she does too. I know I'm not the only one who hates stairwells and bedrooms. Gyms and bathrooms. But I want her. I want her in the way the word was meant to be heard- not with sexual connatations. Not wih possession, or need. But just, want. Soft eyes and hands. Quick smiles and words. I want her, every bit. I want her and I have no right, no claim.

I want her, and I want her to _give_.

I need her to give herself to me, everything that I _want_. Because otherwise, its not worth a thing. And she is, she's giving so readily and so surely that it just makes me want her more. But someone, somewhere, decided that that want was wrong. And that means these secrets. Secrets until one of us breaks. Secrets until we learn a new life. A new way of ignoring judging eyes and creased foreheads.

She turns back and meets my eyes. Smiles gently, face flushed and eyes sparkling like they always do.

And its all so fucking worth it.

"I'l see you later?" She raises an eyebrow, smirking. "Bathroom?"

"Bathroom." I smile back. Run my thumb over the palm of her hand. "Text me." She grins at those words. I have to stop myself from leaning in for a goodbye kiss. The voices are coming closer. She grins. Kisses her fingers and presses them against my lips. Then she smiles. One of those big, wide grins that make her nose crinkle. Her eyes sparkle. Those smiles mean she's happy. Really happy.

She turns and leaves. Pauses at the stairs to smile again. I smile back. I don't even try to hide the fact that I was watching her the whole way. I don't even try to hide anymore.

I don't have to.

IOIOIOI

"You WHAT?!" Oh wow, busted an eardrum there. I need to remember to keep the phone away from my ear when telling Jenna good news. Or, well, when telling Jenna anything. She's the excitable type. I start to repeat myself. Smiling softly.

"Me and Ashley-" She cuts me off.

"SpencerSpencerSpencer...that is...oh my god, that is...Spencer, I love you. You are, like, my romance go-to from now on. You are...how did you?...Spencer!" She's practically squealing. Jenna loves it when people get together. She's like a matchmaker from hell, but once things fall into place she's the one you want to tell.

"Yeah, I know." I'm blushing. Biting my lip. So excited, I'm barely containing myself. I did the bounce up and down thing in Ahsley's bathroom this morning. I'm pretty sure she heard me. She smirked when I walked out, but I got too busy kissing her to try to read it. I don't read Ashley anymore. I don't need too. She lays it all out for me, honest and open and I'm finding myself doing the same.

"Ok, we're celebrating. I'm thinking Bailey's Irish Cream. A little noshing perhaps?" I pause for a second. "You know you want to..." She trails. I can hear the grin in her voice.

"I do." I admit. Dropping down on the couch in the locker room. Phone pressed to my ear. "When?" My eyes focused blindly on the blue wall across from me. Ashley's name is etched in the center, clean white against royal blue. I smile softly.

"Tomorrow night? First day of vacation plus Spencer with no sexual frustration equals PARTY!" She laughs into the phone. I crease my forhead. I was preoccupied with sharing my good news, but Jenna sounds really...happy.

"Jen? Something you need to share?" I tease, smirk forming on my face. There are only two things that make Jenna this happy. One is pot. But it's only nine in the morning, so that leaves-

"Matt is really _really_ good." She confesses, fake serious. But that lilt of laughter is still hinted through her voice. Plus, I can feel her grin. I laugh.

"Jenna! Now who's not sexually frustrated?" I'm grinning. If I'm happy, and my friends are happy, and Ashley is happy, and...its happy. Everything is so fucking good.

Usually, that means something bad's about to go down.

But, nothing these past few weeks has been usual.

She laughs, sounding open and Jenna-ish. Like nothing bad could touch her. Whether it tried or not. The tough little girl, hands on hips and a twinkle in her eyes.

"So, party Friday night? And you're bringing Ashley." She commands the last part in a distinctly strong tone.

"Yeah, I'll see if she wants to come." I half-promise. Rising to take three steps towrad the royal blue wall. I run my fingers over her name, without nervous or disappointment or confusion. I just touch a name that means a lot to me. And nothing complex makes me hesitate or pause. I'm alone here, and vunerable. And Jenna's that endless well of strength and brash. Always has been.

"Oh, I see who wears the pants." She teases knowingly. But before I can become offended, she laughs. "You know how long I've wanted to say that?" I smile and roll my eyes, stepping away from the wall.

"Yeah yeah Craig. Are you at school yet?"

"Just pulling in." She says, and I hear the sudden quit of the engine and music.

"Come blow off 2nd with me."

"Kay. Are you in the locker room?"

"Yep." I answer happily, falling back on the worn couch. "And I've got Lucky Charms." I bribe.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." She grumbles. The slam of a car door. "And we are going over every detail of you and Davies' night. Also, she needs a code name." I smile to myself, legs pulled up and hand on my ankles.

"McSexy?" I offer.

"I don't think I could say that with a straight face- ever. So, no." She says, only half-teasing. I chuckle.

"Alright, we'll work on it when you get in here."

"It's a plan, Stan."

"Cool. Bye."

"Bye-oh, and Carlin?" I pause, phone halfway away from my face.

"Yeah?"

"You better not be lying about those Lucky Charms."

IOI _Ashley's POV _IOI

I push my locker shut and shift the few books in my arms. Scratch an itch behind my ear. The sun is coming in strong and bright from the window down the hall. Maybe it should blind me, or hurt my eyes after the isomnia I had on the couch last night. But it doesn't. It just reflects the mood that's been steadily growing in me since Spencer Carlin started talking to me. The mood that tripled last afternoon.

I smile softly to myself. It quickly shifts into a full blown grin.

Its not the first time I've been a victim of impromtu grins.

A loud voice interrupts my foolish smiling. Aiden's jogging up the hall, a hearty grin plastered on his face. The boy was never one for soft or subtle or light- he was just Aiden. Impulsive, daring, rushed, energetic- but he was the guy I loved. Maybe even because of all those adjectives I just listed.

And he's still stolen a soft spot in my heart.

"Where you been Ash?" He reaches me, still grinning. Looking the same though my whole world has changed. Looking like he always has, though I hadn't been really looking lately. I stare up at him.

I have mixed emotions when it comes to Aiden Dennison.

He was my first real boyfriend. He was- is one of my best friends- and has been for a really long time. He was the first significant other I said "I love you" to. He was my _first_. Every major relationship milestone, I had with him. He had his with me. He's the biggest part of my past right now- and probably will be for a long time. Maybe even forever.

You don't forget your first.

Or so I've heard.

But we broke up, badly. It was hard on both of us. We used to break up every other week, but we had been together since the May of last year. That's a long time in high school years. Six months. One eighth of our time here. And I've barely got an eighth left.

And he's _Aiden_.

"Around." I smile gently. "How about you?" We start walking down the stairs. He has Chem now, and I have Lit, and we both know it. The familiarity is comforting and sort of painful. Sort of a harsh reminder.

"Basketball." He rolls his eyes. "I heard your band was playing Saturday." He says. Shoving his hands into his front pockets and dropping down the steps. He turns and watches me with big brown eyes.

"Yep. If Yiddi will put down his joint for a couple hours." I smile. Aiden laughs.

"Remember when we went all the way to Atlanta for that concert? And he passed out in the middle of-"

"-the first set? Ohmygod, I thought the club owner-"

"-'Chains"?" Aiden chuckles. I laugh too,

"-yeah, I thought he was gonna blow a blood vessel or something." I grin widely. "That was pretty great." I finish. Aiden smiles softly, glancing over at me. We leave out the rest of the memory. A couple of weeks ago we would have let the words spill between us. He would have pulled me behind the stairs and kissed me. I would have let him. We would have shared memeories of hotel rooms and chocolate covered strawberries. The champagne he bribed room service for. Golden sheets and a balcony.

A couple weeks ago, everything would have been normal.

Now its nothing but.

"Hey Ash-" He starts, his voice soft and the endearment even softer. Coming from the lips of the first person to ever call me that. I glance down, away from eyes that have seen more of me- physically, emotionally, spiritually, brokenly -than any other person.

"Don't." I say, even softer. "I- Aiden." He places a heavy hand on my shoulder.

"I'm just...I'm always here Ashley. Don't forget that. And don't push me away." I look up to meet comforting eyes. Try to regain some of that brashness I seem to have lost.

"Me too Aid. I'm here for you too." I muster a smile. "Don't forget _that_." He smiles even wider.

"Good. I'll be at your concert Saturday. Play me a song." He grins, stepping back from me. Pulling his hand away like it wasn't ever there.

"Always." I grin back. He sends me a half-wave and turns, bounding up a flight of stairs.

Somehow, he always manages to remind me of why I fell in love with him.

Thing is, I'm not anymore. Simple as that.

I turn around and let my smile grow. Because a girl just popped back into my brain. A girl I'm not in love with.

Thing is, I have a feeling I'm going to be.

IOIOIOI

Chloe stops in the middle of the cafeteria, cup clutched in her hand.

"What?" A grin appearing on her face. She's starting a bit of traffic jam, people lining up behind her. But she's Chloe Rider and they would walk all the way outside and go in the other door before they'd try to push around her. She's kind of...scary. "Seriously?" She's grinning now.

"Yeah." I smile back. Paused in front of her where I turned when she stopped.

"Ahh!" She leans forward and wraps me in a one arm hug. Right there in the cafeteria. Right in the middle of all these people who used to be terrified of her. Used to be. Now though, they're kind of perplexed. One even starts to edge around her.

"I know, I know." I grin as she pulls away. "I just...I'm really happy, Chlo."

"I'm happy for you." Her smile widens. The girl edging behind Chloe accidentally nudges her elbow. Chloe turns and gives her the "Chloe look". The one she doesn't even realize she gives. Blank, unemotional, terrifying. So unreadable that Chloe could be half a second from totally. killing her. Elbow girl's eyes widen. She steps past quickly.

I roll my eyes and laugh.

"Stop scaring the freshmen Chloe." She turns back to me. Innocent look in place.

"What freshmen? That was a senior."

IOIOIOI

"_But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die_." Ashley's voice goes lower than I've ever heard it. Soft and husky and deep. And manly. She grins cutely over at me. Laying back on her bed. Knees pulled up. Sitting on her floor, I shake my head and smile back.

"Ash, Johnny Cash?" My eyebrows are up. I rise from the floor and kneel on her bed. Crawl over to her. Pull the earbuds from her ears. I can't keep the smile off my face. That tends to happen often. "_Really_?" I raise my eyebrows, sticking the buds in my ear breifly. Sure enough, Johnny Cash flows through. She grins, nose wrinkling. Looking soft and innocent and reachable, lying down below me.

"You're just...musically deprived." She says. Taking the earbuds back. She puts them back in her ears and resumes singing. In that horribly off-key way that she fakes when I'm around. I think she knows how bad I swoon when she really sings. How dark blue my eyes go. I laugh and lay back on her bed.

"No, I'm musically enlightened." She grins and rolls onto her side as well.

"_Well I know I had it coming. I know I can't be free_." She tilts her head down, one eyebrow raised. Voice still adorably deep. I roll my eyes and grin. Chuckling, she reaches over to brush her fingers over my hair. "Well, you've got a choice here Spence. Johnny Cash or Elvis Presley, because I'm in the mood for the rock'n'roll greats." I scoot closer on the bed. Lay my hand on her hip.

She bites her lip softly and god, I melt. Right into mush there on that soft bed. Leaning closer, I kiss her once, softer than air. Slowly forgetting about rock'n'roll greats. Forgetting homework lying on the floor five feet away. Even Kyla in the next room. I kiss her again and she kisses me back. Trailing her thumb over my cheek, fingers soft next to my ear. Slowly and softly, because it's best.

"You ain't nothing but a hound dog." Ashley mutters into my mouth. I can feel her smile against my lips.

"Crying all the time." I mutter back and I know my smile matches her's.

I kiss her again.

IOIOIOI

_"I'm Ms. American dream since I was seventeen." _I tilt my head, flirting shamelessly and without reason. Smirk confidently through the words I'm singing- if you could call it that. Ashley referred to it as "killing a cat" earlier. I just sang louder. I bet she secretly enjoys it.

Very, very secretly.

I went through _Fly to the Angels_ by Slaughter -complete with emotional half-yelling- _I So Hate Consequences_ by Relient K, and _Somebody's Baby_ by Phantom Planet. Now I'm doing Britney. Ashley's propped up against the headboard. Smirking into her Jim Beam. Watching me dance across the room, singing into a Corona bottle. Don't ask me how we ended up downing shots on a school night, because I don't remember. I don't remember anything but her warm mouth and her sparkling eyes. Anything but the intoxicating emotions that I'm letting overtake me.

Nothing but Ashley Davies.

And all the words to _Piece of Me_ by Britney Spears. Well, most of them. I'm sorta drunk. Lotta drunk.

"_I'm miss bad media karma, another day another drama. Guess I can't see no harm in working and being a mama. And with a kid on my arm, I'm still an exceptional annar_." I stumble through the last word, sort of mumbling. Then I burst into a full grin. Drop my bottle into the trash can and stumble over to the bed. Fumble my way into Ashley's arms.

"Hey Ash?" My words mutter into her neck, my mouth so close I'm practically kissing her skin. She drops her bottle onto the bed table. Watching it for a few seconds while it rattles its way into stable.

"Yeah?" She asks, and I can feel her eyes on the top of my head. Her arms trail their way around my shoulders. One burning a soft imprint on the small of my back.

"I'm not so scared anymore."

There's a pause. A long thoughtful, comfortable pause. Where I know she's hearing my words. Rolling them around and trying to process them. Trying to make them make sense. Though they shouldn't, because they come straight from that private part of my mind. The part I find myself admitting to her. Not just to Chloe or Jenna anymore. From that part that doesn't ever really make sense.

"Scared of what?" She asks. Her chin soft on top of my head. Her fingers drawing circles on my back.

"Of everybody." I feel warm. Really warm and really safe. And kind of drunk. Its probably why I'm muttering nonsense truths into her neck. Speaking private fears. "Of what they think." She understands now.

"It shouldn't matter." She mutters into my head. When I look up, her eyes are focused on my shoulder. She meets my gaze -warm brown and always sparkling - and smiles soft. "I think you're drunk Carlin." She brings up her hand and shifts her fingers through my hair.

"I know." I sigh. Turning my head back down and pressing it against her heart. "Hey, you wanna go to a party tomorrow?"

"With you?" She muses, hands still in my air. She sounds warm and confident and comfortable. Familiar. I shut my eyes.

"Yep. Jenna wants to grill you." Ashley chuckles and I feel it deep in my heart. It slides warm into the place I keep all my comforts. Warm sheets, raining with sunshine, and Ashley Davies' soft chuckle. I smile into her heartbeat.

"Oh yeah? She checking out your new friend?"

"Nah. She wants to make sure you won't break my heart." The lights here are just as warm and just as soft as Ashley's laugh. I'm falling asleep in this comfortable bedroom. Coronas and a steady heartbeat lulling me into rest.

"You told her?" Ashley's voice, sudden and sharp, wakes me up. I blink twice. Fuzzy lights blur in my vision. But she doesn't move her arms. And her heartbeat doesn't change. So I stay where I am.

"She's Jenna. I told her all the names of my dead pets." I say, not sure if it makes sense or not. Not sure if Ashley gets that I tell Chloe and Jenna everything, whether they want to hear it or not.

"Oh." She pauses. Tightens her grip around me, but I'm not sure she notices. "Did you tell Chloe?" She asks. I nod into her skin. "Anybody else?" Why does this feel like I had revealed some big secret? We are a secret- sort of. I mean, right now. But..later, too? Why is she-

"Why are you mad?" I ask, pulling back, a bit unsteady. I meet fuzzy brown eyes. Blurred by a half-asleep gaze. She looks away.

"I just...I'm not mad. Just not sure what that means." She says, glancing down at her hands. She seems to have picked up my bad habit. She twists her fingers around each other. I reach over and twist them around my own.

"Means you're my girlfriend, Ashley." I think I slurred a bit on her name. "So get over it." I mutter softly. So over this stupid conversation, because I have Ashley and that is enough. I have her here, on her bed, and I'm intoxicated. I would not hold her accountable if she took advantage. I smirk up at her. Letting my thoughts ramble their way out of unsure. She looks up and me and her face slowly changes. A smile finds its way onto her face. Her eyes squint and her nose crinkles.

"I am _all _over it." She grins. Pulling me closer. "And we're finishing this conversation when you're not drunk." She says. I push closer into her, sliding my leg between her's. Just intoxicated enough to not give a shit about personal boundries.

"M'kay." I agree. Wrap one arm loose around her neck and drape the other one over her waist. "I'm pretty tired."

"Me too." She agrees. "Sleep?"

"Sleep."


	17. Thrash unreal

**Thrash unreal.**

The desk is cold and smooth. Slick under my cheek. But maybe I'm drooling. From underneath my arms, I can hear the slight murmurs of class. The clatter and slap of school. Muffled laughter and dropped pens. A thin ray of bright gold light slants in from above my elbow. Somehow finds my eyes and blinds me. Sends a wave of pain through my head. I squint my eyes shut against it. Curl even further into the self-made hollow between my arms.

It's almost ten o'clock and I'm still hungover.

My hood is pulled over my head. Ankles crossed beneath the desk, arms crossed above it. Face nestled amid the folds of my extra large hoodie- the one I borrowed from Harrison two weeks ago. But somehow, no matter which way I turn or burrow or hide, some sliver of light manages to find its way inside. To seek out my sensitive eyes and give me the worst headache I've had in while. Though maybe it's because this is the worst hangover I've had in a while.

I groan quietly.

Ashley drove me here an hour ago. Smiling slighty and shaking her head as I slept against the window. She kept the music down though, and the heat up. Laid a comforting hand on my knee. I tangled my fingers with her's. She pressed a kiss into the back of my hand at a red light. Smiled with her mouth and her eyes and didn't say anything.

Overall, it actually hasn't been that bad of a morning.

But this is my second class and my head is still pounding. My eyes are still a little watery. I haven't taken my hood off since Ashley pulled it up over my head in the car. Leaned over and pressed a kiss against my lips. Slipped a couple Advil into my hand with a sympathetic smile.

Yeah, this morning really hasn't been that bad.

A hand wraps around my shoulder and pushes a little. I shake it off. It just returns, a little more forcefully.

"Go 'way." I groan from beneath my arms. Squinting my eyes shut as if that will actually make her go away.

"No." Jenna's chuckling. I hear her drop into the seat beside me, in the very back corner of the classroom. I hid out today. "You hit the bottle a little hard last night Spence?" She asks, the amusement clear in her teasing voice.

"Maybe." I answer, pulling my head up to squint in her direction. She laughs when she sees my face.

"Hun, you do not look good hungover. What were you doing last night?" She leans forward on my desk. Invading my personal space, but then again around Jenna there is no personal space.

"I was with Ashley." I answer, wiping away a little sleep in my eyes. Jenna chuckles knowingly again. "What?" I ask grumpily.

"Nothing." She grins. But she opens her mouth again to speak. Instead, a guy body clangs into the seat behind her.

"What up Spencer?" Glen, loud and obvious as usual, flashes me a huge grin. "I haven't seen you in days." I roll my eyes and immeadiately regret it. Jenna and Glen and a hangover? This is my personal hell.

"I've been at Ashley's." I mutter and Glen furrows his eyebrows for a second. Then, a knowing grin identical to Jenna's appears on his face.

"Duuude, you been partying with Davies?" He grins fully now and reaches out to shove my shoulder. Jenna watches him with an almost disbelieving smile at his oblivious personality. Big and loud, that's Glen. I rock back a little in my seat, but- thank god- my hangover is starting to fade.

"Sort of." I shoot a glance Jenna's way. What to tell, what to admit. Then again, Glen probably doesn't care in the least bit.

"Well, Mom came home early last night and found out you ain't been sleeping at home. She flipped." Glen says.

"Mr. Carlin?" Apparently Glen's loud voice and obvious actions have drawn the attention of my math teacher. Mr. Potter- yeah, lots of Harry Potter jokes there- is paused at the board, halfway through a problem. "What are you doing in my classroom?" Glen freezes, then grins disarmingly.

"Just hanging." He says. Me and Jenna roll our eyes. Glen starts to stand, pushing up off the desk. He looks to me. "So anyway, she wants you home tonight. You're grounded or something." I open my mouth in surprise, and then shut it quickly. Goddammit.

"Ms. Craig? Why are two seniors in my sophmore math class?" Mr. Potter asks, turning fully from the board. Jenna starts to stand as well. By now the whole class is turned around, staring back at us. Jenna flashes a disarming smile that's much more effective than Glen's.

"Just hanging." She echoes, smirking. She turns to me and winks. "We're going out tonight, fuck your Mom." She mutters in my direction. She follows Glen toward the door, orange hall pass swinging from her fingertips.

"Hey Spence." Glen, paused at the door, reaches into his pocket. Half the class- the female percent -are swooning. Gross. He pulls out his aviators. Tossing them to me, he gestures toward his eyes. "You might need those." He says. I catch them easily and roll my eyes.

Jenna and Glen disappear from the door and I turn back to the class. Almost every eye is on me. I smile disarmingly, with that little innocent grin that erases every annoyance. Mr. Potter turns back to the board without another word. Slowly, the class turns back around. I sigh and burrow back down into my arms.

_Family._

IOIOIOI

"Mom, are you serious?" My voice is edging on desperate. I bit my lip and take a breath. "Look, Chloe just got back and we want to hang out. I'll be back tomorrow by ten." I pause, listening to my mom ramble on. Her voice muffled by the chatter on her end of the phone. "Nine?" Another pause. "Fine, whatever." I scratch at a spot behind my ear. "Ok." She's still going on about the importance of family. I bite my lip again- more out of boredom this time -and slide my gaze across the words scribbled on the bathroom stall. People write the stupidest stuff on bathroom walls. "Love you too." I sigh and snap my phone shut.

Sliding it in my skirt pocket, I push open the light metal door. My feet tap against the tiny blue-green tiles. In front of me, Addie's leaning against a sink, eyes off in space. They usually are, when it comes to Addie.

"Earth to Addie?" I smile, walking over to her. She comes out of her daze, a little startled.

"Oh, hey." An automatic grin spreads across her face. "Sorry, got a little distracted." I raise an eyebrow, still smiling, and stand in front of the sink beside her.

"Yeah." I agree, leaning forward across a sink to wipe at mascara under my eyes. There's not any, but its sort of a habit.

"Did she say yes?" Addie asks, turning her head to look at me. She stretches an arm out and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Yeah, but I have to be home by nine tomorrow." I make a face to Addie and she chuckles.

"At least you get to go." She says, pushing off the sink. I follow her toward the door, head still a little achey from my leftover headache. We step into the quiet hall, and I slide my foot out, catching it around Addie's ankle. It's almost automatic, tripping her. An inside joke, or an ongoing competition, I don't really distinguish anymore. Mainly, its a long story involving freshmen year and a face full of carpet. An accident, and one that formed a friendship.

She stumbles forward, already laughing, and turns around to swat me. I dodge her hand and move forward. Slide my arm into her's, locking elbows. Faces close, I flash her a brilliant smile, head tilted with amusement. She pauses for a second, then flahses one back.

"Fine. You got me this time." She grins, and tugs me forward. I knock my hip into her's.

"Always do." I singsong, and smile. Ok, I'll admit, I'm a flirt. But there's a difference between my gentle flirting with girls I know are straight and my flirting with...Ashley. The flirting I did with Sarah. Its not the actions that change, but the meaning behind them. The probing and the guessing and the discovering. With Ashley, that's all it was. With Addie, that's all its not.

"Uh-huh Spencer." She says. She moves to the side a little, taking her arm away. "I'll see you tonight? I'm staying with you and Chloe right?" I nod.

"Yep. She's gonna pick you up at seven."

"Kay." She flashes another smile and disappears into a classroom. She's not gone a second before my mind goes to Ashley Davies. I smile again, pictures of dark hair and warm eyes in my head. Of drunken words that I barely remember but make me flush with embarrassment anyway. That familiar drop in my stomach- only now its because of tonight. Because who knows what's going to happen tonight. Who knows how things will shift, how they will change.

This is new.

I take a breath and some sort of comfort in the calm before the storm. The halls are empty. Light falling onto the scuffed floors. Soft school noises echoing quietly. My feet tapping against the tiles. It seems quiet, and calm. Serene, almost.

How freaking weird is that?

It's the opposite of my mood. Quiet to my constant thoughts. Calm to my bouncing shoes. Serene to..well, I'm never serene. Never completely balanced or relaxed, but that's just who I am. I'm still smiling, grinning, swinging the pass back and forth between my fingertips. Ready to meet Ashley in an hour when school ends and ready for the party tonight.

God, ready for anything.

For Jenna's nosy questions and Chloe's teasing glances. For dancing with Ashley and the inevitable arrival of the cops. Hell, I'm ready for Aiden Dennison.

And maybe, _maybe_, ready for something else entirely. Something way deeper and way scarier and way more unavoidable than cops and questions and knowing looks. Something that has to come, eventually. I'm tapping the pass against my other hand, my smile sliding a little as I think about inveitable and unavoidable. Still there, but muted a bit with heavy thoughts.

A hand pushes against my shoulder, almost sending me into an open classroom. I stumble over my own feet but manage to steady myself on the door frame. I smile embarrassedly as the freshmen class looks up in surprise. Take a quick step back. I turn around swiftly to see Chloe standing there, smiling wickedly. I open my mouth in indignation. Hit her with the pass.

"What was that for Ride-her?" I tease, using her horrible nickname. Its become kind of ironic since she came out to me. Ironic and vulgar.

"You looked like you needed it." She smiles, continuing down the hall. I follow her, eyebrows creased but unable to keep a slight smile off my face.

"Why would I need to be shoved into a classroom? What could possibly call for that?" I ask. She chuckles.

"Whatever that face was, it meant you needed to be pushed into a classroom." She shrugs, smirking a little.

I roll my eyes and push her into the guy's bathroom.

The door- apparently with freshly oiled hinges- flies open with a bang. She reappears a few seconds later but I'm already halfway down the hall, grinning. I wave cheerily as she spots me. She starts after and I dodge up the stairs to my right.

Somewhere at the other end of the hallway a teacher calls out, obviously fed up.

"Rider! Carlin!" It's a familiar phrase. A familiar tone of annoyance lingering in it. I throw a grin Chloe's way, paused at the top of the stairs. She grins back, stopped at the bottom.

"Truce?" I question, hand resting on the rail. Half poised to start sprinting if she moves. She shrugs, still smiling and kind of out of breath.

"Truce." She darts up the stairs and lands next to me as a teacher appears at the bottom. Of course, its our vice principal.

"Ms. Carlin? Ms. Rider? Is something wrong?" I send an innocent look Chloe's way.

"No, Mr. Bradbury. We're fine." He glances down the hall, looking for the teacher who just called out. Looking back up to send us a suspicious look. We keep our innocent looks in place.

"Fine." He says resignedly and turns without another word. I send Chloe a smirk. She sticks her hand out beside me and I high five it quickly.

Immature act of the day, check.

"I need a smoke." Chloe says, walking up the steps. She looks over at me. "Wanna skip out the last period?" I nod.

"Yeah. Let's go."

Five minutes later we're sitting in her Jeep Laredo, feet on the dash, smoke drifting through the air. We're kind of a paradox. Giggling while we shove each other bathrooms and then skipping out for a smoke.

I find it refreshing.

"So. Party tonight." She says. Flicking the ash out the window. I look over.

"Yeah." I agree, taking another drag. I smile. "It's gonna be awesome."

"Are you bringing Ashley?" Chloe asks, turning a little. I nod.

"Yeah, Jenna wants to threaten-I mean talk to her." I turn my face toward Chloe and raise an eyebrow. Jenna gets pretty protective.

"Yeah, well-" Far away and muted the bell cuts her off. I slide my feet off the dash while Chloe turns the ignition.

"Well what?" I ask. She shrugs, turning to watch behind her.

"Nothing." She pulls out the parking space. Squealing toward the wrought iron gate before the guard's even done opening it.

"It's Friday!" She yells in the man's general direction, head out the window. As if he wasn't already aware. He turns and sees Chloe and me. He grins.

"Yeah baby!" He yells in a deep voice. I laugh and Chloe high fives him on her way out. We peel down the street, running the first red light we get to.

This is the calm before the storm. The party storm. I grin.

IOIOIOI

Hopping out of Chloe's car, I grin cheerily at her.

"I'll see you at the party!" I say. Letting my good mood seep out into the world. Letting it show for real, whether other people notice or not.

"Be safe!" Chloe calls out after me. I know she's joking. I roll my eyes and start up the walk, shouldering my bookbag. Ashley's house is giant. Something to do with a dead rockstar dad that I've only heard her mention once- and that was to Kyla. I think she'll tell me soon enough though. I let myself into house- the door's unlocked -and call out.

"Ashley?" I shut the door behind me. Her voice answers.

"In my room!" She yells. I start up the stairs. When I get to the hall, I catch sight of her lingering by the door. She's smiling slightly. Meeting me before I get to her room, she puts her hands on my hips and presses a kiss into my mouth.

"I missed you at school today." I tell her. Even though I texting her practically the whole time.

"Me too- except, at home." She smiles, and bites her lip. I lean in and kiss her again.

"Ash! Have you seen my blue top?" Kyla's voice, coming closer and interrupting our moment, makes us both pull back.

"Uh, no!" Ashley yells back. She sends a look my way and I chuckle. Stretching her hand out, she pulls me into her room. She locks the door behind us and wraps her hands back around my waist. Pushes me backwards until the back of my knees hit the bed. Her lips finally meet mine, soft and full. She kisses slow and I pull her down on top of me. Letting go and letting her in. She smiles into my kiss and slides her tongue across my bottom lip. Slides away any lingering insecurity. When we're like this, this close and intertwined, I just stop doubting. I just start trusting. Every touch and kiss burns a new hole into my resolve to keep this thing quiet.

She brings her hand up to run her fingers over my cheek. I feel cold metal brush my skin, making me shiver a little. She pulls back, blushing a little.

"Sorry, I..." She starts to unclip it, but I take her hand, kind of curious. Its a tiny, thin silver rectangle connecting a white chain that clips around her wrist. Its really pretty, standing out against her tan skin. I've never seen it before.

"This is really pretty." I tell her. Sliding it between my fingers, I turn the sliver of silver over. Initials are engraved in the bottom. A.D. A.D. I swallow. I freeze. "I...uh...did Aiden give this to you?" It hurts to ask, even though I already know the answer. Because I don't know what it means. I feel a knife of doubt cut into the air between us. A thick of tension.

"Yeah." She answers quietly. She sits up, and moves over to my side. "I just...put it on today." She says. Something about what that braclet means, something about the simple perfection of it on her soft skin hurts me beyond measure. And I don't understand it.

"I just...will you not wear it?" I ask, not knowing if I even have a right to ask. But knowing I need her to take it off. She nods, swallowing. There's hesitation in her eyes, in her body. But she slides it off and places it on her bedside table. I just look at it for a second. She's lying beside me, studying my face. I take a breath and lean over to kiss her. When I pull back, I smile. "Thank you." I tell her. She bites her lip.

"We should probably go." She says. She pauses, but then leans in to kiss me again. "I didn't mean to-" She says, when she finally pulls back.

"I know." I cut her off, because I'm hurt and confused. Because I don't want anything to mess up this night. I send her a smile. "I just..." I let the sentence go. "Ready?"

"Yeah."

IOIOIOI

Aaron's house is huge.

A towering Victorian mansion with ivy creeping up the edges and a newly restored wraparound porch. Its been here for ages, one of the city's landmarks. It's gorgeous, and almost bigger than Ashley's. Huge oaks climbing into the sky, and spanish moss wrapped around every limb, every branch. I take a deep breath, but its more because of Ashley than the house.

Ok, its all Ashley.

She's standing beside me, elbow pressed into mine, fingers brushing my own. Sending shivers up my spine that mix with the uneasy knots in my stomach. I think she notices, because she slides her fingers between mine in the cool night. Squeezes lightly. I look over.

"Nervous?" She asks.

"Yeah." I answer, smiling a little at my stupid little fears. I need Jenna and Chloe to love Ashley the way I do. I mean, like her like that. I don't know, but I can't have them not like her. She smirks my way.

"Don't worry. I've _very _charming." She raises an eyebrow and tilts her head a little. I chuckle.

"I know." I agree. Behind us Kyla and Kaley finally get out of the car, laughing and nudging shoulders. Ashley lets go of my hand. As much as I'd like to say I didn't even notice, I did. And it kind of hurt. But, smiling quickly at me, she links our arms and tugs me after the two girls before us.

"Ready?" She asks, hitting my hand with her own. I bite my lip and meet her eyes. Let myself remember exactly why I'm living through parties that make my stomach squirm and secrets that make my heart hurt. They're big and open, like they always seem to be when I look for answers- but there's never any answers there. Just truths that I refuse to hear.

"Yeah." I whisper back, letting a small smile creep onto my mouth. The private one that only Ashley gets. She grins back, nose crinkling, and presses a quick kiss into my forehead. My smile widens, insecurities and apprehension slowly melting away, and I hop up the steps.

IOIOIOI

Thirty minutes later, red plastic cups clutched between slippery fingers, we trail through the crowd. Between the two of us, we know everybody at this party. My friends tend to wrap arms around me, press cheek to cheek, throw carefree grins my way. Ashley's hit fists and chuckle knowingly, huddled together in corners passing pot around. The thing is, the only line between my friends and her's is amount effort they put into things. The different ways they deal with trying to live up to expectations and steroetypes. We're not so different, all of us. We just like to think we are.

The music is flowing through the house, loud but not blaring, and Ashley pulls me a room that's clearly for dancing. Judging by the mass of moving bodies in it.

"Care to dance Spencer Carlin?" She asks, finishing her drink. She tosses the cup onto a table. I place mine beside it and follow her.

"Of course Ashley Davies." I say. Letting the words roll off my lips like I've said them a million times. Truth is, they only sound that way because I want to say them a million times. I want to _own_ that name.

I already gave her mine.

She slides one hand down my side, hidden by moving bodies and dim lights. Melds her body into mine. Breath hot against my ear. Leg pressed against mine. I take a deep breath and shudder it back out. Bite my lip and press closer.

Break a million rules.

IOIOIOI

Ashley comes out of the kitchen, eyes a little wide. Arms crossed a little defensively. She finds my eyes and mouths words across the room.

"She's crazy." Ashley says, dropping her arms to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. Jenna comes out of the kitchen behind her, smirking slightly. She winks at me. I smile a little and shrug.

"Yeah." I agree, smiling as Ashley reaches me. I grin. "But you just got iniatiated." I say, throwing an arm around her. She laughs and shakes her head. A little tipsy by now, but then so am I. Faces close and I'm almost aching to kiss her. Almost aching to pull her as close as I can get her. She echoes the sentiment in her eyes. Chloe, falling in from the side and a couple beers past sober, wraps an arm around Ashley.

"Alright Davies." She holds a finger out, pointing but not at anything noticeable. Jenna, pushing me out of the way and grinning wickedly, takes Ashley's other side. They start to pull her away, talking about minutes and chugging. I chuckle a little, but Ashley turns around. Her eyes are big with a hard to define emotion...fear? Fear of crazy people?

Before I can register it, Aaron's arms are wrapped around me. Pushing a new drink into my hands and dragging me back to dance. Sweaty blonde hair and deceiving green eyes.

And _man_, that boy can dance for a white guy.

IOIOIOI

"You're friends with crazy people." Ashley slides her arms around my shoulders from behind and presses her cheek close to mine. I have a sudden memory of Sarah, weeks or months or lifetimes ago, doing the same thing. But now, I want to turn and see Ashley's face. I want to kiss her now, in this blurred room of booze and steadily fading lights. The music getting increasingly louder. The people more stupid.

"Yeah, probably." I agree, turning in her arms. She takes a step back, eyes scanning and admiring. I blush a little, still wrapped up in the fulfillment of a fantasy that's turning into so much more.

"You wanna go upstairs?" She asks, words lost in the public privacy of the booming room. I grin and raise my eyebrows, alcohol bringing out the bold in me. Just enough to blur things; not enough to black out them out.

"Yeah." I answer. Stepping in front to lead her upstairs- a place I am familiar with by now. We find an empty bedroom. She locks it behind her, closing out most of the noise. Closing out most of the world. I walk over to the window. Look out at the rolling backyard behind the house- the trees and azalea bushes. But I'm not seeing it, because she's coming over as well. Taking slow, even steps that will end when she reaches me. When she touches me. And with a weird clarity, I realize she doesn't make me quite so nervous anymore. She doesn't seem so unreachable, untouchable, unattainable.

I've attained Ashley Davies.

It doesn't make her any less desirable.

I didn't think it would.

Her fingers find my hands and she pulls them up to kiss my palms. My eyes flutter shut and my stomach drops- that slow, pleasant ache starting deep inside. She kisses the inside of my wrist, her lips soft and warm against my skin. Goosebumps rise up everywhere she touches and everywhere she doesn't. I open my eyes slowly to see her watching my face. Her eyes turning darker and darker.

I've had dreams about this.

So many dreams.

Moving my hands down to her waist, she pulls me closer. Barely brushing her lips against mine, she hooks her fingers in the loops of my jeans. Runs her tonuge across my top lip and sends a rush of warmth through my body- down my spine and between my legs and makes me ache a little. Makes me feel the way I've always wanted to when someone touched me like this. I'm so fucking...

As if aiming to destory this moment, both of our phones go off. Ringing loudly, almostly obnoxiously. I feel her's vibrate through her jeans into my leg. I step back a little, my own phone buzzing from my jacket pocket.

I pull it out, going to turn it off or ignore the call or throw it across the room. It's Chloe's ringtone though.

"It's Kyla." Ashley says, looking up confused. I frown, because there's no way this is a coincidence.

"Chloe." I tell her. My phone stops going off, but at that moment someone bangs into the door.

"We're going down to the school!" A male voice yells, half the words slurred. I glance over at Ashley and raise my eyebrows. Face still flushed and heart pounding. Her phone goes off again, and she glances down.

"Aiden." She says. Mine goes off too.

"Jenna." I tell Ashley, smiling ruefully. "Maybe we should..." But her body is still less than a foot from mine. Those spots on my skin still half-burned with the feel of her mouth. My mouth slightly bruised and desperate for more.

"Yeah, probably...they'll probably come looking for us..." She says slowly, but she's moving closer. And I'm not stopping her. At all. She leans closer, closing inches, and then centimeters.

"Ashley." I mutter softly, needing to hear her name, but pounding on the door drowns out my mutter.

"Ashley! Spencer!"

"Come on, we now you're in there!" It's Chloe and Jenna, each banging incessantly on the door. Ashley stops, her lips nearly a breath from mine and making my head spin like nothing else can. I bite my lip.

"I guess we have to." She says into my mouth.

"Yeah." I whisper back. Disappointed- and I know the exact reason for that. She grins, before leaning in to steal a quick kiss.

"Later?" She asks. I smile a little shakily.

"Yeah."

IOIOIOI

Armed with spray paint, toilet paper, eggs, and paintball guns, we're staging a full-fledged attack on the place we spend most of our days. It seems crazy, because most of us love our school. But someone came up with the idea, someone else liked it, and then they sprung it on us. So here we are. I'm in the front seat of Ashley's car. Surveying the kids milling around the front of the campus. Its oddly quiet.

I step out to join the other two Davies. Kyla's holding spray paint; Ashley has a paint ball gun. I'm not surprised. I flash a grin her way and Aaron hands me toilet paper. Its not the first time I've rolled anything, but I'm not sure what exactly to roll this time. Ashley's grabs my hand and pulls me down the breezeway. Kyla heads off in Aiden's direction, and then its just me and Ashley again. In the dark and cool night, slight breeze ruffling across my skin. Ashley's hand warm and soft in my own.

"Aaron gave me a key." Ashley says, holding it up in the dark. I can just see the outline from the streetlights. She grins wickedly. "Let's do some damage." I grin too.

"Heck yeah." I agree. When we reach the gym doors, Ashley slides the key in. She jiggles it a little and it finally gives. Its pitch black in here, and completley silent. I've never seen- or, not seen -the gym this quiet. Our footsteps echo loudly.

"Oh, we're so doing my math teacher's room. That bitch gave me detention Thursday." Ashley says. She reaches back and takes my hand in the dark. I don't think she realizes she's doing it. Paintball gun swinging from one hand, the other linked with mine, she walks confidently across the squeaky floors. When we reach the doors to the school hallway, she pauses. The dim lights are on, illuminating the white floors and darkened doors. She pushes the door open quietly and pulls me after her. Rasing an eyebrow, she turns to me and smirks.

"Kiss for luck Carlin?" She asks, coming closer. I grin and press my mouth into her's. Obliging her happily. Wrapping her arms around me, she pulls me even closer. Kisses me with even more meaning. I can feel her paintball gun pressing into my back. I grin into the kiss, but pretty soon I'm laughing. Ashley pulls away, smiling as well.

"What?" She asks, crinkling her eyebrows.

"I can feel your gun." I tell her. Gesturing toward the black thing hanging from her hand. She laughs.

"I'm just happy to see you." She says playfully. I laugh and start to pull her down the hall.

"Now where's this math classroom?"

Ten minutes later Ashley manages to find her math classroom. She claims its because its so dark, but then she admits its because she never goes to the class anyway. I just chuckle and push the door open. Ashley jumps inside behind me and lets loose a round of paintballs. Managing to scare the shit out of me.

"Ash!" I say, but I'm laughing. "Let me have a turn." She grins and hands it over. I manage to demolish a couple posters. Its really...freeing. Unfourtunately, there's no paintballs left. I hand her the gun while she goes to work dressing everything in pure white toilet paper. She finishes quickly. Throws the empty cardboard cylinders onto the floor. I've been silent for a while. Letting my thoughts drift while I watched her work.

"Ashley." I start. She looks over, and I think she knows we're about to _talk_.

"Yeah?" She asks. She walks over to where I'm perched on the window sill. I bite my lip. Scratch behind my ear. Twist my fingers around themselves. All nervous habits that she's started picking up on. She climbs up beside me and studies my face. "Are you ok?" She asks. I nod.

"Yeah, I just. I don't care anymore. And if you do, then that's ok." I bite the inside of my cheek, but continue. "I mean, we can keep it a secret or whatever, I guess, for a while. I just, I need to know how long that while is gonna be. I..." I don't know when I started rambling, but words are just spilling out of my mouth. Running through the silence and completely demolishing it. Stretching the ties and strings lacing us together. Ashley puts her hand on my knee.

"Spencer." She says, and I shut up. I close my mouth, hard. Trying to figure out how much of a fool I just made myself. "I'm sorry I..." She's looking at her hands. At the one soft against my skin. But, she glances up to meet my eyes. Warm brown eyes even in the cool darkness of this yellow-green room. "I'll get there? I know I will, I'm just not...there, yet. And I don't want to hurt you while I'm getting there, but I just...can't." Her last word falls hard against my ears. Cuts a litle harsh. But I take a deep breath anyway.

"It's ok." I tell her, because maybe it really is. Maybe this really will work and maybe it will stop cutting so hard every times she pulls away. Maybe it won't, but I'm not willing to just give up. "I, I can wait." I promise, looking up into warm eyes. She shakes her head a little, smiling softly. Looking a little stunned.

"I really..." She starts, but cuts herself off. Presses her lips against mine, soft warm. Softer than she's ever kissed me. Suddenly, she pulls back. "I can do it Spence." She says, so surely. "I can. It's stupid to not. I won't pull away anymore." She promises. I bite my lip, unsure but wanting this so much more than anything else. This time, I lean forward and kiss her.

Maybe, everything will work out.


	18. Same old song and dance

**Same old song and dance.**

The walls are yellow.

Not a bright yellow. Not a sunny yellow. Just a greenish sickly color that coats each tile. And I'm staring at them. I'm counting those tiles, burning those identical squares into my brain. Because those tiles hold a room full of memories. A room full of secrets.

A room full of disasters.

Disasters that are so small and so infinite that they weigh down on each other. Collide in muted secret glances. Stretch out in a thick line of tension that now defines us. Those disasters define us.

I hate that.

I look down and pick at my shoe. Curled up beneath me, frayed and familiar. I strip away the duct tape that's the only thing holding it together anymore. I see those tiles. I count those disasters. Her scribbled black sharpie words are taunting me. Leaving our echoes etched in my mind. And I'm ripping them off. Discarding them like I did her layers the night before. Physical and emotional, they were all on the floor.

And for once it was just me and her.

And I was lost.

And this time.

So was she.

_Her fingers are pulling at my buttons. Pushing those clear circles through white fabric and moving with surprising intent. But I'm not stopping her, not at all. If anything I'm egging her on, capturing her lips with mine, pulling her closer to me. Helping her press me against these cold tiles. _

_My legs, caught between her warm thighs and the cold wall behind me, start to give way. One of her legs slips between mine, effectively holding me up and making me need to fall more than ever. My hands trail through her hair. Then down her chest, they land on her waist, tugging her too close to breathe, to think. Close enough to really, really feel. _

_One hand runs down her arm, catching her wrist, then over her fingers, I lace them in my own, temporarily stalling her advances. Relishing in the calm before the coming storm of emotions. Then, back up to her wrist, my fingers play with the thin string around hanging there. And, just like that, the moment is torn apart. I pull away, turning my cheek to her warm mouth. It grazes my cheek once, then its heat disappears. My eyes, focused on the other side of the room, are just seeing thoughts now. Racing, almost incoherent thought. Something sliding inside me, I pull her wrist up between us, my eyes hardly daring to glance down at it._

_But I do. _

_I look back up, meeting her guilty eyes. They know, and I know, that this is about to fall apart._

_We're about to fall apart._

The notebook page before me is blank. There's a pen on top of it. I haven't touched it since I laid it there. The Saturday school teacher is going on and on and on about math problems and I'm ignoring her. Its a constant thing. My eyes are locked on my desk. I can feel her eyes on me. _They're always on me._ They haven't moved since she sat down. She came in late. I glanced up when she walked in. I shouldn't have done that. That messed me up.

Not in a good way.

I'm afraid of meeting those broken eyes again. I'm afraid of how they got that way. I'm afraid of everything. I let my eyes flick the opposite way of her. They meet Addie's. She's studying me. Reading me. I hope she can't see anything. I offer her a smile and she returns it. But its guarded.

Shit.

I didn't know Addie had guards.

_"It doesn't mean anything." She whispers into the delicately contained silence of the room. I nod, keeping my own private vow of silence, and merely regard it. Too unsure of my words to speak them. The slinky silver bracelet slides down her tan arm, catching at the bones of her wrist. I know the letters written on the inside of the perfect retcangle by heart. The letters that he put there. The letters pressed against her skin._

_"It shouldn't." I say, but I'm not meeting her eyes, my voice low. And she's started to learn me too well to just accept my pathetic attempt at overlooking this hurt. So I blow my bangs out of my eyes and look up, filled with false bravado. But one nervous glance from her and it crumbles down. "But I guess it does." I finally finish, with words we both knew were coming. No matter what I tried to stop them. _

_Our bodies are still pressed together. Both too scared of breaking the connection that seems to be the only thing keeping this from crashing down around us. Or maybe enjoiyng it too much to pull away. Her arm still rests on the window sill behind me. My hand clings to her waist. Behind us, headlights flash through the window, painting the room in glaring light. _

_"It's over Spence. I just..." But she doesn't seem able to finish the sentence. And as much as I wish I could just believe her, just take what she's giving me, I want more. I want holding hands and blushing smiles. _

_As much as I tried to convince myself that I didn't, I want _her

My eyes drop from Addie's. I can't handle anything right now. I can't even handle math problems. No way am I trying to decipher berating glances. My fingers fumble at the pen lying before me. I start to draw. Scribble.

Waves appear under my pen. Abstract ocean waves that froth at the tops and a burning sun fading behind them. I shade everything, coloring things without even thinking about it. Drawing without having even the faintest plan. And something gorgeous flows fom my pen. Tiny and detailed, it shakes from my instinctive scribbles.

I've never been an artist. I've never tried. I play basketball. I play soccer. I don't draw, I don't write. I just don't. And now, these shapes are forming something beneath my pen. Gorgeous scribbles, gorgeous somethings. They surprise me. They distract me.

And I forget. I forget so blissfully completley, that I glance up when I feel eyes on my face. And I see those eyes. Those utterly broken, utterly regretful eyes. Eyes that I skipped first period because of. Eyes that tend to promise everything and deliver less than nothing.

Broken eyes that snap me in half.

_"I want to believe that." I can hear the cutting honesty in my words. The same honesty I thought she whispered to me not so many hours ago. Now I'm not so sure. This bracelet, this piece of jelwrey, is making me doubt. My fingers play with it, running underneath it, over her soft skin. Tiny goosebumps trail under my touch, but I'm too confused to enjoy her tiny reminders of attraction._

_"Its just Aiden. He was just..he was my first everything. And we had...we went through a lot of stuff together that wasn't always about me and him." There's something truthful in these hesitant words. But as I'm trying to process them the clasroom door opens and the flourescent lights drown the room in painful light. I glance up, feeling the fear shown in my eyes and hating it. Ashley turns in my arms. Addie stands there, finger still on the light switch. Eyes wide. Ashley pulls away from me, talking hurridly._

_"We're not, this is just..." She seems to realize her words are pointless, instinctive, and only hurting me. They're not needed, or believed. My suddenly cold body -her warmth noticably missing- seems to be numbing me to the hurt filling my chest. Her eyes flick my way, apologizing even before I've gotten angry. But I just brush past her, past the perfect rows of desks, and toward Addie. _

_"Let's go." My voice sounds cold, detached, even to me. Even as I feel the rush of emotions coating my heart, distressing my mind. I start down the dim hall. _

"Anyone?"

The teacher stands up in front of the board, eyes dull and detached. I feel the way her eyes look. And I wonder if my eyes echo that. I can only see a single curl. I single, painful curl, that I want so bad I can't breathe. It lingers in the corner of my eye, where she's turned in her seat to glance back at me. To stare back at me. And she knows that I know. I'm so angry, so disappointed that I can't stand it. So, instead, I raise my hand.

"Can I use the bathroom?" My words echo in the sleepy room. I can't stand to sit in here any longer. Not with her, not with these walls, not with those disasters. The teacher nods listlessly and I edge out of my seat. I'm not usually one for wandering the halls, but anything is better than this.

"Me too?" Her voice calls out after me. I hurry my footsteps. I presume there's another nod, because steps follow me out the door. A voice calls softly down the hall.

"Spencer?"

_I'm outside the gym in the cool night air by the time she catches up to me. Her hand finds my elbow and she pulls me around. _

_"Spencer, I'm sorry, I didn't-" She's out of breath. Sounds like she sprinted down the hall after me. Her hand stays on me. "I just-"_

_"Look, Ashley, let's just talk about this tomorrow. I'm tired." My eyes meet her's with steady disappointment. I think that pushes her over the edge, because she looks at me with sudden intensity, with a need to be understood._

_"Look, she just caught me by surprise. I didn't mean it like that."_

_"Then what did you mean by that? 'Cos its hard to mean much more than what I think it meant." Since she's doing this now, I guess we're doing this now. My words come out harsh, from lack of sleep and from hurt. Mostly from hurt. The heady blur of alcohol fading completely._

_"This is new, ok? For you too. I'm gonna make some mistakes. I just hope I don't make the same ones." She starts to explain. I start to forgive her. Her big brown eyes and the honesty with which she's telling me this, even in front of Addie, they sweep me away. _

_Then, bright lights roll onto us. We squint in the glare. The ignition cuts and someone gets out._

_"Hey Ash! You ready to go?" Aiden. Of course. Ashely doesn't even glance at me._

_"Uh, Aiden, just give me a sec." And I'm gone. Something about the words, or the tone, or maybe just the person she said it to, but it shoves me over the edge. I am so out of there, its not even a thought process. I just leave. I don't think I even registered her calling my name._

"Spencer? Wait up?" Her voice sounds weak, nervous. Sounds broken, just like those eyes.

"I can't." I say. I may be only 17, but I'm over being naive. I'm over experiments and secret relationships. I'm so over hidden love. And I know it may be unfair to her, but I have a right to be mad right now. I right to stop, and pull away, and think.

I think.

Yeah, I do.

Don't I?


	19. Devil town

**Devil town.**

_Before I even reach the street, flashing lights and screaming sirens are tearing into the parking lot. There are yells, the revving of engines. Slapping feet against the concrete. A sickening crash as someone backs into somebody else, and the resulting obscenities. I'm just walking. Kind of stunned. Kind of angry. _

_Kind of close to crying._

_A hand grabs my elbow. Pulls me to the right. I know its not Ashley because my skin isn't burning._

_"Dude, hide, its the cops." Aaron mutters into my ear. He pulls me behind a beatup van. Addie's lingering beside him. Eyes wide. She looks unsure, and scared. And I'm not sure if its because of the wailing noise around us or my arms around Ashley. I kind of wish I didn't have to wonder. I stumble to the ground beside them. Crammed between a dented white van and a jacked up Tahoe. Aaron's hand stays on my wrist. _

_The shadows are dark, and I hope they're dark enough to hide us. I catch Addie's eyes. She glances away. I look down at the cement and squint my eyes shut. Squatted on the warm blacktop. The pebbles rough against my palm._

_Shit, shit, shit._

_I can feel the tears coming. Hot against my eyelids and so desperate. Ashley and cops and Addie's evasive eyes. _

_Shouldn't be this hard._

_Don't have the time or the patience to hurt about it all the time._

_But it still..._

_A warm arm lands on my shoulders. Pulls me close. Another body leans into mine. Chloe and Jenna. Familiar and strong when I can't be. Which isn't that often. _

_"Hey Townsend." Jenna breathes into the hot, dark silence. Bumps fists with him. He just nods. Just pulls away a little. Understanding and controlled._

_"What's up Carlin?" Chloe mutters into my ear. Voice soothing and questioning. Jenna's still pulling me to her. Trying to stop the tears with just skin and embrace. It's working. I sigh a little wet breath. Brush my fingers across my eyes. _

_"Stuff." I say. Cautious of Aaron and even Addie, a little. I meet Chloe's eyes and she nods. Completely understands. _

_"Where'd she go?" Chloe asks. I look over at the white van. At the chipped, off-white paint and the deep dent in the door._

_"With Aiden." I mutter. Jenna squeezes me a little tighter. Chloe puts her hand on mine._

_"They're all going inside." Aaron cuts in. His eyes darting across the piece of parking lot visible from our spot. Counting, tracing the cops wandering through the lot. "We can probably make a run for it after those last three go. We can make it if we haul ass." Her says. Leaning down to look under the van toward the street. I wipe my eyes once more. Take a deep breath. Try to settle down and get ready to run. _

_Addie lets out a little scared noise. We whip our heads toward her. Her eyes are wide- wider than when she saw me and Ashley -and she's frozen. Tense._

_Above her, a policeman stands. Hand on her shoulder. Eyes dark and emotionless._

_"Found yah." He says, rasing his eyebrows._

IOIOIOI

_The gym's dim and faded. Yellow wood squeaking under a hundred different feet. Flourescent lights slowly brightening above. Filled to the brim with mumbling teenagers. All mingling, murmuring, spreading gossip and guesses from mouth to mouth. Eyes tired and steps shuffled._

_Its three in the morning and we're still here. Still half-drunk and distracted. Still confused and still caught up. Riding off an adrenaline high. We're pressed against the wall. Gathered in a corner. Chole's asleep in my lap, bangs brushing against my knee. Jenna and Addie ae chuckling slowly. All tangled up with arms and legs and bodies. All easily intimate. Aaron snores from the side._

_Ashley's with Aiden._

_Not with him, really. Not sitting the way she sits with me, all tied up and twisted. The way I'd like to be. No, she's a few feet from him. Ignoring him, I think. Legs crossed, hands on her temple. Dark brown eyes finding mine across the gym every few minutes. Her body is slumped, defaeted._

_Disappointed._

_It doesn't really help, though._

_I sigh and shift my fingers on Chloe's hair. Feel that quickly-becoming-familiar ache deep in my chest. She mumbles something and reaches up to swat me. I let a soft smile curl my mouth. A ittle, small, exhausted smile._

_"I saw that!" Jenna grins, reaching out to press her fingers into my dimples. I smile a bit wider, for an instant. Shake my head._

_"Saw what?"I dampen my smile a bit. Raise my eyebrows. Try to ignore Ashley's eyes and the dim lights and the lingering hurt. The exhaustion bearing down on me. And hell, the fifteen policemen posted at the doors. _

_"That smile." Jenna's still grinning. Still the one person who can cheer me up with a simple smile. Still defiant and twinkling. Still there to pull me out of my funk._

_Ashley seems to be the one putting me there lately._

_Gos, maybe it shouldn't hurt this bad. I glance down breifly. Look up to find Ashley's eyes again. Just to read the warmth and emotion displayed so clearly there. Just to reassure myself. Because, damn, the girl can chip away at every confidence I come up with. And for some reason I just let her have it all. Let her in and hope she'll be my wall. That I won't have to build anymore._

_But she just darts off, leaving me open and defenseless._

_Leaving me vunerable._

_With hot tears and a desperate need for my best friends. _

_Jenna scoots a little closer. Takes my hands and wraps it in both of her's. Promises stuff that I need Ashley to say. To be. _

_"Attention students!" Mr. Bradbury, angry and tired, is standing in the bleachers. Holding a microphone and glaring at everyone who looks his way. "What you have done is unacceptable. Absolutely unacceptable." He sighs once, almost softening. "Report here tomorrow at nine o'clock for Saturday school. Everyone one of you. We have your names and we will be contacting your parents. You are dismissed." _

_A roar of noise follows his statement. Chattering and renewed energy flowing through the room._

_They can't expell us all._

_Jenna struggles up and holds a hand down to Addie. I shake Chloe a little, brushing hair out of her face._

_"Come on Rider. Wake up." She groans a little and lifts her head up. I smile gently. "They're letting us go, but we gotta be back tomorrow for Saturday school." She sits up, wiping at sleepy eyes. Tucking away mussed hair. She yawns and dangles her keys before me sleepily._

_"You're driving." She says. Eyes half-shut. One hand muffling a yawn._

_"Addie's coming home with me." Jenna says, hovering to our right. I shoot my eyes toward Addie and meet them breifly. Still hurt and not ready to forgive her for unsure eyes. Still nervous and not sure if she wants my forgiveness. _

_"Okay." Is all I say. I lift myself up and pull Chloe with me. Ready to go home- because Chloe's is half-mine -and sleep. I sigh and try to ignore Ashley lingering across the gym. Dark eyes and hair and skin, and dark emotions too, that I can feel all the way over here._

_Shit._

My shoes are clicking against the floor. Ashley's words, and mine, echoing in the hall behind me. I left her a few halls back. Her eyes following me. I push open the gym door and drop my way down the steps to the locker room. The familiar, grainy walls rough against my fingertips. That smell relaxing me instantly. Letting all those issues just drain away. Breathing in things that remind me of estatic wins and inside jokes and, now, secret hands. Wandering fingers with all the lights turned off and school bustling just a wall away.

I sigh and bite my lip. Step through the varsity locker room. The couch between the jv and varsity locker rooms is still soft and solid. Still familiar, even with hot memories there. I drop down. Caught between the unsure. JV or varsity? I don't know yet, and I'm not sure my coach even does.

Caught between what's familiar and secure, and what's new and frightening.

JV has a lot of memories. I spent an entire year in that locker room. Scribbling doodles on the lockers that tell stories only we can translate. Taking ice cold showers and shoving for mirror space. Its so comfortable and so easy. I succeed without even trying on that court. I make every shot, throw every pass. Pure confidence. And knowledge. No insecurities, no hestation, nothing is new. Nothing is hard.

But varsity? Everything is new. Everything is hard. New people, new plays, new dynamics. Glaring hesitation. Obvious mistakes. Harder opponents. On varsity, I have to try. I have to work my ass off to be the best. To the be the one they can count on. I have to learn almost everything all over again. On varsity, I'm scared.

But on varsity, I'll get better.

I'll be better.

So now its up to me. To make that jump or linger back. To be brave and strong, or just look it.

Its paralyzing, this hesitation.

And I'm letting my team down as I play it out. Making bad passes, banking shots. Slowing down on defense. I know I am, but I can't help them until I help myself. Until I figure out my words and my desicions. Otherwise, I'm no good for anybody.

I pull my legs up beneath me. Studying the names written on the wall before me. The slant of the _A_, the wide curve of the _s_. The swoop in the _y_. Her name, written loosely and with confidence on this royal blue wall. Clean white paint standing out in all her senior glory. Bouncing out and overshadowing the black of the juniours.

Or maybe I'm just a bit biased.

I sigh and lean back. Maybe a little closer to making a desicion, but there's still so much hesitation. So many insecurities.

Change is hard.

No matter what.

And maybe I understand Ashley a lot more than I thought.

IOIOIOI

There's a warm hand on my shoulder, rocking me back and forth slowly. I blink my eyes once, fuzzy in the warm lights. Against the white walls. The couch is itchy underneath my cheek. I blink again, and my eyes clear. Clay's standing above me, smiling gently.

"Hey Spencer. You ready to go?" I blink again. Wipe at my eyes. Push up on one arm, mind fuddled from sleep. I smile sleepily. I'm always in a good mood after a nap.

"Yeah. I guess I fell asleep." I say, swinging my feet out. They're half-sleep, aching from an uncomfortable position.

"Long night, huh?" He asks. Taking a spot to my left like he's been doing it for years. And I guess he has. He just took a short break from all those responsibilities. Went back to being an innocent kid who made all the wrong desicions. And, maybe there's not really an excuse for that.

But maybe I forgave him for it anyway.

"Yeah." I sigh, and lean back into the couch. "What time is it?" Clay glances down at his watch.

"Two o'clock. Glen told me to come pick you up, because he was leaving. Ashley said you were down here." My heart stutters a little when he says her name. It kind of always does.

"Ashley?" I ask, because I really can't help it.

"Yeah. The girl you've been crushing on for the past year?" Clay smiles a little. In that sweet, "I know a secret" kind of way. I raise my eyebrows and smile back.

"You knew about that?" I ask. He grins and nods.

"Yeah. I was watching." I shake my head and smile. Happy to have my brother back. Even happier to realize that he was never really gone. "You wanna get something to eat?" He asks, standing up. I stand up too.

"Yeah. Plus, I gotta tell you something."

"Oh yeah? About what?" He starts up the stairs. Keys swinging from his hand. Light green polo standing out in the white room. Casual and relaxed and family.

"That girl I've been crushing on for the past year." Clay chuckles.

"Wait, Callie Otto or Ashley Davies?" He asks. He sounds like he knows what he's talking about. Like he really has been watching. Like he never stopped caring. I grin.

"Ashley."

It always comes back to her.


	20. Around my thoughts

_1st and 3rd parts are in Ashley's POV.

* * *

_

**Around my thoughts. **

_Bounce. Bounce. Bounce._

The leather ball pushes back against my fingertips. Hits the ground with a _twang_. Shoot back up onto my waiting hand.

_Bounce. Bounce._

The cement is shuffled under my feet. Gravel crunching under shiny white basketball shoes. A soft wind waving by my long shorts.

_Bounce_.

Five o'clock. The shift between afternoon and night. The drop of the sunlight and gentle wash of pastel colors. When the lights come out. When the world dims a little.

_Clang_.

The ball hits the edge of the bright orange rim. Shoots off into the grass. Rolling and thudding through the long, light green stalks.

_Thunk._

It hits a tree. Slowly, I jog over.

I'm trying to clear my mind with familiar places.

There's really only one thing on it.

I lean down to scoop up the ball. Light green grass swaying across my legs. I rest my shoulder against the rough bark and stop avoiding. Soft light rolling down my face.

Spencer Carlin.

Spencer Carlin and her clear blue eyes. Her soft pink lips. Her long, tan fingers and teasing smile. The way she leaves her eyes shut after I kiss her. Rosy cheeks in the cold wind and blonde hair across my pillow.

I sound lovesick. But maybe I am.

I slide down the tree. Ball falling into my lap. Eyes looking far past the faded cement court I'm so familiar with.

I really messed up.

Messed up when I pulled away from steady arms that held me even with a stark silver bracelet on. Messed up with instinctively wide eyes. With stuttering words and hesitant answers.

But mostly, with Aiden.

Stupid Aiden and his stupid brown eyes and his stupid dorky grin. Stupid things I used to love and stupid me for keeping them close. I moved on, I know. Because I can see him flirt with Kyla and not flip out. Not feel that flutter. Because I can go for days without mentioning his name. Without even seeing his face. Because I've moved all of those feelings- all of that possession -straight into Spencer. It shifted and changed and moved and is so completely different with Spencer, but I recognize it.

So stupid me, for not letting go.

I wipe a hand over my forehead, tucking back strands of hair.

Stupid me with a stupid bracelet that I took off on the way down the hall to Spencer. A bracelet that represented a whole life I planned. One that fell thorugh. A home and a fence and a dog and definitely a baby. A scary life, but one I accepted.

I should tell her.

I really should- just let the words rolling around my head into the space. The one widening between us when there's barely been time to close it. I should tell her about missed days and weeks and screaming arguements. About caring and dismissive parents. Baby names, a slowly bulging stomach, and later, the one test that shattered a part of me. The baby that would have loved me no matter what. The one that still-somehow- ties me to Aiden, through one slender silver bracelet.

I'm ok now. Talks and therapy and love pulled me through. I'm falling in love again. Blue eyes and sharpies and soft skin showed me how. But he's still there- as tall and strong as ever. Wrapped all around that piece of me. Ever twisted up in my past and tied there tighter than I'd like. His soft words and private smiles don't help me pull away. A strong rough hand on my stomach, over my baby. And somehow, there's no baby without Aiden and there's no me without that child.

But that doesn't mean there's no me without Aiden. There's wide gap there. One I need to show Spencer, because she doesn't even know it exists.

And my hesitation. My painful, harsh hesitation. The new and the terrifying- and fuck it. Seriously. Three months left here? _Fuck _it. I want Spencer- and if there's one thing I was sure of, she wants me.

Clear blue eyes, soft pink lips, and soft skin wants me.

Quick laugh, friendly smile, and a way with words wants _me_.

Smart eyes, fast feet, and an open heart_ wants me._

_Spencer Carlin wants me._

_Fuck it. _

IOIOIOI

Clay's throwing popcorn at me. One bounces off my eyebrow. Another strikes my chin. I roll my eyes. Hurl a Rasinet his way. The movie theater is empty except for us. Apparently, no one wanted to see Dan in Real Life again. We just finished that conversation. The one I needed to have so much more than I wanted to. And a silence landed between us. Clay two rows below me a few seats to my left. Me with my legs on the seat before me. Chewing my lip between my teeth and watching Steve Carell bumble around. Then Clay started with the popcorn. Broke the awkard with a well aimed kernel.

"Have you watched any of this movie?" I ask. Picking a piece off my shirt and putting it in my mouth. He stops throwing.

"Nope." He shrugs, and glances to the screen.

"Me neither. Wanna go see something else?" I slide my feet down. Already heading for the door. He twists out of his seat and steps into the aisle.

Big brothers always make things better.

Okay, that's a lie. But Clay always makes them easier. He pulls me back, lays it out, and shows me everything I'm feeling. He takes apart my life the way he takes apart old computers. Careful and slowly and with intent. A purpose. I never knew how much I missed him until he came back.

I never knew how much I'd miss Ashley until she ran away.

But it didn't hurt as much as when I didn't let her come back.

Clay pushes the door open for me. The bright yellow lights half-blinding me. We've been at the movies for three hours now. Going from theater to theater. So far we've seen most of three movies and we're not stopping yet. Clay's teasing when he needs to be and comforting when I need it. Buys me Rasinets and Crunch bars and pelts me with popcorn if I frown too long.

"Fool's Gold?" He suggests. Eyes looking down the long hallway of doors. Running signs above each one, proclaiming the title.

"Nah. Too much hottness." I decline. My own eyes searching. "Spartans?" I tease, smirking his way. He raises his eyebrows.

"Yes, just because you said that." He chuckles and heads that way.

"Clay, no, I was just kidding. Seriously, that much awful might blind me." He laughs and keeps going.

"Come on. We can stare at Carmen Electra's boobs."

"How very Glen of you."

"I know. He told me to tell you that." Clay chuckles. I roll my eyes and follow him. My phone buzzes from my pocket and I pull it out.

_How are you doing?_ Chloe texted. I pause and hit reply.

_Ok. Breakfast tomorrow?_ A Chloe/Spencer traiditon. Saturday breakfast. I press send and push into the door Clay just went through.

_You paying?_ I smile and shake my head. Step into the darkened room and hit reply.

_Yeah, sure._ I text back and then slide the phone into my pocket. Clay's already picked out two seats in the kind of crowded theater. I drop down into one. Think about Ashley. Her dark hair and her deep eyes. Her silver bracelet and her nervous hesitation. The way I want to forgive it all and the way I can't forget it. Clay's assurances, Chloe's sympathy, and Jenna's offer of a beat down. How maybe we're making this harder than it should be. Maybe, we just need words and truth and we can fix it.

I pull out my phone, half a thought from texting her. Calling her. But I hesitate. I decide she needs to call me first. She needs to keep reaching because I am right here. I'm so at arms reach and I just need her to try again.

Its not that hard.

Shouldn't be.

IOIOIOI

"Knew I'd find you here."

I glance up. Ball still balanced in my lap. Grass barely swaying now in the hot night. Kaley's standing above me. Smiling confidently and kindly. I manage a smile back.

"You were looking?" I ask. Pushing up to my feet. Kepping my hold on the ball. She takes a step back onto the cement.

"Yeah. Kyla called and asked if I'd seen you."

"What'd you tell her?"

"No." She holds out her hands for a pass. I thunk the ball her way and she catches it easily. Rolls it between her hands. "What're you doing?" She looks up from the spinning leather between her fingers and meets my eyes. Catches my gaze intently. With the way she's always been able to. I shake my head.

"Nothing." I look away. Out at the woods.

"Hiding out?" She pauses as I step onto the court. "From who? Spencer?" She says it so naturally that I almost don't pick up on it. I look up suddenly. "Ah." She smiles at my wondering gaze. "You're so obvious Ash."

She's known me since third grade so maybe I should take her word. Maybe she's priviliged in her Ashley reading. Because she looks right through me. Does she know that...

"Did you have a fight?" Everything she says is simple and straightforward. Nothing teasing or patronizing.

"Yeah." I admit that little bit.

"And you're hiding?"

"Yes, Kaley, I'm hiding ok? Sue me." I say. Walking past and taking the ball from her. I shoot it toward the goal. It clangs against the backbaord and flies back toward me. I stretch out my hands and feel it sting my hands. Kaley doesn't say anything for a minute.

"What'd you do?" She asks. Circling around me. I sigh and meet her eyes. Tired of being bitchy and wrapped around myself.

"Something really stupid." I tell her. Not sure if she knows or if she guesses or if I even care. I tuck the ball under my arm and sigh. "And I don't know what to say to her, so I'm hiding until I figure it out." She frowns.

"How you're going to apologize? Say you're sorry." She suggests, rasing her eyebrows.

"Its not that simple." I sigh and bounce the ball once.

"Well, go try."

"I am gonna try, just not right now." I tell her. Thunking the ball steady in a beat on the grey cement. She sighs.

"Well, hurry up. Who knows how long she's gonna wait." Kaley says. I glance up to meet her eyes, but she just smiles. "You're really obvious Ash." She takes a step backwards. I see her car parked across the field. "Promise you'll apologize?"

"I promise." I tell her, because I already promised myself I would.

"Good. Call Kyla. She's in mom mode." Kaley says, smirking. I shake my head and smile a little.

"Ok." Kaley turns around and starts across the field. I hold the ball under my arm and watch her. "Good luck!" She yells over her shoulder from halfway across the field.

I'm gonna need it.

IOIOIOI

Clay slams the driver door behind him and follows me up the walk. Its warm out tonight, musky and dark. The last strains of All For You by Sister Hazel fading into the dim. My shoes thud against the grey concrete, scuffing over a broken stick. A squirell darts up a tree to my left. The porch lights are on, which means we have company or we're expecting it. But I'm not in the mood. I just want some sleep and a phone call from Ashley.

I'm probably only getting one of those.

Clay beats me to the house. Hops up the one step and pushes open the glazed brown door. I feel a wave of warmth- physical and emotional -wash toward me. I smile tiredly and trudge into the hallway.

My whole family's in the living room. Gathered around the couch. Glen's stretched out on one side. My mom's grilling the person beside him. Hands on hips, head tilted in that Carlin female way. Dad's standing to the side. Hands in his pockets. His eyes go up when I walk in.

"Hey Spencer." He smiles, tired in his eyes. He's been tired for so long. Mom turns around, eyes already questioning. She steps to the left and I see who's on the couch.

Ashley.

Hands on her knees the way she does when she's nervous. Biting her lip. Eyes big and nervous and hopeful. I frown a little and she stands up.

"Hey Spencer." Voice rough and inviting and already I'm losing my anger.

"Hey." I smile shortly. I glance over to my mom and dad and Glen and Clay, and then back at her. Back at her longer then all of them combined. "You wanna come upstairs?" I ask. She steps toward me. Taking the inch and stretching for the mile.

"Yeah. That'd be great." A soft, private smile. I step back to let her pass. Force a smile at my parents and follow Ashley up the stairs.


	21. Breaking all the ground

**Breaking all the ground.**

I stare down at my soft white carpet. Push my toes into the strands. Arms crossed over my chest, head tilted away from the girl on my bed. Feeling like a frustrated little kid. Knowing I'm just avoiding her eyes.

Those eyes just kill me.

I claimed the chair by my desk. She hesitated. Paused by my bed, but finally perched on the edge of it. Looking uncomfortable there- completely opposite of the last time she was in the position. Fingers curled nervously over my blue and white striped comforter. Eyes flicking and reading and hesitating. Not being what I need her to be.

Showing me all her holes.

Its somehow a relief. Somehow a redemption. Seeing her utterly human and real. She's lost that unattainable shine. She's gained a grounding luster. She feels so completely mine in this unbreakable silence that my anger starts to slip. She looks like the cold-wind-Ashley. The one with a flirty smile who could do no wrong. Sliding her fingers under my black pea coat. Brown eyes darkening. Like a white Northface, big black sunglasses, and Kyla's half-frozen car.

"I'm sorry." Her voice is strained when she finally speaks. Husky and reaching. But she doesn't wait for an acknowledgment. "I, uh...I messed up, Spence." I look up to find her eyes unabashedly on mine. Looking into me like she can see more than just color.

"Yeah." I agree. She bites her lip. She doesn't look away.

"That bracelet..." She pushes her hand into her pocket. Eyes glancing down into it. She doesn't hesitate to meet my eyes again. The silver wrapped around her fingers. "Aiden gave it to me a long time ago." It rolls down her fingers. The rectangle dangling. "It represents a whole part of my life, and I promised him I would always keep it, to remind me. I promised myself I would keep it." She amends, pausing. "I should have told you straight off, but I was scared of what you would think. I didn't want you to think I still loved him or anything- because I don't."

"I know, Ash." I reassure her. Even though her words are steady and don't ask for the answer.

"Do you? I just- we've always been close and we only broke up a month or so ago, and maybe- maybe this whole thing was more about me than you." Ashley finally glances down at her lap. Upholding confidence even with a bent head. She glances at the door.

"What are you talking about?" I frown. She looks over at me. Big brown eyes and a sliver of silver reflecting in them.

"I needed to be sure me and Aiden were over for good. And when you asked me to take off the bracelet, I hesitated. I don't want to hurt you, or me, or even get Aiden involved at all, but that bracelet- I promised..." She bites her own tongue. Finds my wall with her eyes. "So I called him to talk that night- that we...I just needed to be sure." She finds my eyes again. "I'm not gonna hurt you, Spencer. I won't."

I curl my fingers around my wooden chair. Tighten my grip to stop from kissing her. On my clean white comforter. There's still questions but I hate being mad at her. And when she says things like that and her eyes are warm and dark like this...

"I'm sure now. I didn't even have to really talk to him, Spence. I would give him up for you. And I don't need this bracelet anymore." She glances down at it breifly. "I kind of just want you." She says quietly. With her eyes as much as her words. With her heart as much as her mouth.

This time, I don't stop myself. I stand up. Take the two long steps to the bed. Cup her face in my hands and kiss her words. Kiss the soft mouth that makes them. She puts her hands on my neck as I kneel before my bed. Kiss her on my white comforter. Eyes shut, mouth warm, that painfully excted glow growing in the pit of my stomach. My hands brace on her thighs. Her fingers find a place in my hair. Her tongue traces a slight line across my bottom lip. I move closer. Open my mouth.

"Mom wants to know of- oh, _gross_."

The words take a second to process. I pull back a second later. Ashley's taste in my mouth. Glen's standing in the doorway. Looking totally caught between brotherly instinct and girl-on-girl action. Ashley's muscles tense under my hands. But she doesn't pull away. She offers a half-smile. An unpracticed one.

"Glen, knock?" Is all I manage. I raise my eyebrows. Lick my lips alomst instinctively. A light blush warming my cheeks.

"Didn't think you'd be getting your mack on with _Ashley Davies_, Spence." Glen smirks. So smooth and so big brother. So Glen.

"Ok, I'm right here." Ashley says. Still warm under my hands. Still worried and poised to flee. Still not going anywhere. But also, still with that Ashley Davies glint in her eyes.

"Sorry, Ash." Glen sends her a smile. Accepts her with such a simple action. "Dinner's in twenty, you staying?" Ashley looks to me for approval. I smile softly.

"Want to?" She grins back.

"Yeah." She clears her throat. Looks back to Glen. "Yeah, I'm staying." He nods.

"Cool." Steps back and closes the door. Leaving me and Ashley alone again. Together again.

Ashley tangles her hand in mine.

I lean forward and kiss her cheek.


	22. epilogue : The day we caught the train

_**epilogue.**_

**The day we caught the train.**

_Never saw it as the start._

_Its more a change of heart._

A warm wave breeze ruffles over our shoulders. Twisting loose strands of hair into the air. A wave breeze- one that flows in from the south west. Smooths over the waves and pushes them against the breakers- curls them up and over themselves. Sends them rolling and cresting and dark blue over the sand. Brings that tangible smell of salt and ocean and sky.

I can hear them in the distance, crashing and rocking in their steady determination to wipe clean every mark. Muffled though, like a soft swish in the back of my mind. I'm rocking like them, only soft and slow and without any determination- no plans or purpose. Stretched out on a chipped white swing. Hung inches above the ground by red rusty chains and creaking with every move. Swaying slowly on this blue-grey porch, wrapped around this peeling white building.

Relaxed.

More relaxed than I've ever been- more satisfied than I've ever felt. Warm, and soft, and loved. Completely drained. So completely, pleasantly drained in a way that only the sun can make me. A way that only long mornings and short afternoons on the sandy shore, with sunscreen and towels and salty water, can leave me lazy. Can pull every bit of energy out of me. Leaving me sun-soaked, eyes closing, and stretched out on worn blue and white striped pillows. Leftover breezes tangling with my hair. Creaking and barely moving while the late afternoon sun slides streaks of light through gaps in the wood. Painting my toes light orange and glancing off the dull chipped black nail polish.

So, so fulfilled.

Because she's wrapped around me. Her toes, peach colored courtesy of the fading sun, are lying beside mine, her lazy body wrapped and tangled with my own. Her dark brown locks brushing against my neck in curls and her soft breath teasing my cheek. Spilling warmth and residue sun over my body. Pressing salt stained skin into mine.

Smelling like the ocean.

Smelling like fucking heaven.

She stirs slightly, shifting long legs and trailing slender fingers across my abdomen. Leaning up on an elbow, she peeks open her big brown eyes. Brown eyes that I swear steal that warm glimmer from the ocean sun itself. She smiles slow and warm, teeth beared in such a free, simple grin that I have to smile back. That I curl my mouth up to match her's without even thinking about it. Taste the salt on my lips. Her fingers press small pleasure burns into my hip, her arm resting across my stomach. I slide my hand from the small of her back to push down an unruly curl poking up from the top of her head.

"Tired?" She husks, licking her lips. I can still feel the sun smile on my lips.

"Yeah." I mumble back. Her brown eyes totally drawing me in. Not that they ever let me go. She leans forward. Presses a kiss onto my chin.

"Me too." She sighs, slow and happy. My eyes flutter shut for a second. Her breath against my neck. Another kiss on my jaw. "Wanna go inside?" She mutters against my half-burnt skin. One hand roaming my stomach, sending goose bumps in its wake. My fingers tighten in her hair. My other hand slides across her back. Eyes sliding down the length of our tanned bodies. Stretched and twined. Impossibly close.

"Yeah." I answer into dark salty hair. I feel her smile against my neck.

_Bu-bump, thud thud, thunk. _

"Ow." The word's muffled. Dangling somewhere above us.

"Dumb ass." Another voice drifts down. Long hair swishes down over the porch roof. Jenna grins. "Waddup Spashley?" She asks. Hanging upside down over the edge of the roof. The brand new stud in her nose half-blinding me. She's smirking- familiar, expected, saracastic. Rebellious even with no reason to be. She's totally ruining this moment.

Ashley burrows her head into my bare neck. Nose pressed across my collarbone. Annoyed but not surprised by Jenna's horrible timing. She has a knack for it. I tighten my arms around Ashley and shake my head. Half-smiling, half a second from giving Jenna "the look". The one that tells her I was about to get some. Only, less crude and more subtle and kind of scary coming from me.

I raise an eyebrow. Jenna opens her mouth. Apologizing with wide eyes and a sudden relization. Apologizing for something I"m not sure needs a sorry. Maybe its a best friend rite of tradition? Chloe's head slides over the shingled edge. She grins stupidly. Great. She's high. But I can't help smiling back, just as stupidly, just as sun drenched. I can't help rolling my eyes. I can smell the pot now, wafting through the sea breeze. And though I haven't smoked any in a really long time, I recognize it. But it smells stale, and empty. Old compared to my living, breathing Ashley-drug. Wrapped around me and just as tangible.

Ashley over pot.

See how things change?

"I'm coming down!" Chloe announces. Jenna puts a firm hand on her shoulder. Sending her an amused look.

"I don't think you can." She says. Subtext-ish. Her sparkling eyes turn back to me. "We're gonna go get stoned." She says, flashing a devilish smirk. Beside her, Chloe chuckles.

"Already am." She says. Then laughs like its the funniest thing she's ever heard. Rolling over onto her back. Its utterly contagious. Ashley's laughter shakes her body along mine and I grin. I laugh too.

"Wow." Ashley mutters into my shoulder, smirking. Jenna clings to the edge of the roof and laughs that catching chuckle of her's. Maybe it is the funniest thing I've ever heard. Maybe this is the best thing I've ever had.

Maybe, or positively, this porch, this shore, this life, isn't going to be the same after these memories.

And maybe for the first time, I'm completely caught up in them.

Two dark heads disappear back over the roof. Jenna and Chloe retreat back to their window, the one opening out onto the roof. Maybe we shouldn't have given them that room. Ashley's face is still in my neck. Still breathing soft on my skin.

"So." She says. Words drifting into the dimming evening. She shifts her cheek on my collarbone. Turning her eyes to the midnight water. Everything's shading light blue and grey, final rays streaking down the sand. I tighten my arms around her, because I can. Because she is here, in my arms, on this porch. And I am falling so fast.

"So." I breathe out. But there's no pressure behind the words. Just a soft syllable to remind me that I'm really here.

"Do you want to go upstairs?" She asks softly. Turning her eyes up to me. Just barely turning her lips up. I smile with my eyes.

"Yes."

_You and I should ride the coast and wind up in our favorite coats just miles away._

_Roll a number, write another song._

The sheets are soft and warm and twisted around us. Looped through my legs and around her waist and tangled beneath me. She tightens her arm around my waist and presses a kiss into my neck. I'm on my side, back to her. Facing the wide window, facing the sunny beach. The brightest light flooding the room the way it does every morning we've been here. Waking me up at ten with glaring, gorgeous sun on my warm sheets. With her wrapped up around me. I blink sleep out of my eyes.

"Morning." She husks into my shoulder. I half-roll onto my back, careful not to land on her. She grins at me. I grin back. I blush back.

"Morning." I answer. She kisses my cheek and I shut my eyes. I smile and blush and tighten my hands in the sheet. Young, not totally naive, but falling in love. She stretches, rolling onto her back. I shift to my side to watch her. She grins and flushes under my gaze. I chuckle a litte, because I can't help it. It happened.

Finally.

She slides a hand over my waist and I tangle with my own. Move in a little to touch her. Still smiling, she rolls into me, pressing our bodies together. All tangled with sheets and limbs and under sunlight.

All tangled and unbeliavably so. Tangled tight and hard and only coming closer.

She looks at me, with dark dark brown eyes, eyes that know me so well now. Eyes that have so much more to learn and ones that want to. Eyes that pulled me all the way here, through hoops and hard. Eyes that still catch me up. Still mute the world.

Those brown eyes.

Ashley eyes.

They turn subtly deeper, bore a little harder. A little more serious.

"I love you." She says. Speaks into the inches of space between us, pushes into my heart. Said so blissfully, and her eyes twinkle the second the words leave her lips. They sparkle and laugh and warm. "I love you, Spencer." She says it again, like maybe she didn't believe it the first time. Like maybe the words are just as thrilling and expected as they are to me. I put my hands on her face. Softly, softly kiss her bottom lip.

"I love you." I tell her, in the sunny morning, in that white bed, under that grey ceiling. To those brown, sparkling eyes and that tan cheek. Into that soft mouth. I kiss her again. She wraps her arms around me. She loves me in that morning beach light, with the waves crashing against the sand. With the laughter from the shore drifting into the window. With an easy, slow forever feel.

When my eyes can finally open, and the sweat has dried on my skin, while her toes are touching mine and my nose in on her shoulder, I finally feel like I'm breathing. I can finally see the reality of this. Her and me, and the huge impact of us, together, on my life. The way that _everything_ has changed. How I can feel her inside. The pure happiness laced through this room.

"I love you." I whisper. To her closed eyes. She smiles with them still shut and turns her head to me. There's this almost unbearable, completely amazing estatic feeling right in my chest. It makes me want to dance or run. Makes me want to wrap her up. Makes me want to lay here and stare at her.

Ha.

Love.

"I love you too." She's not afraid to say the words again. They taste so sweet. But they _feel_ even sweeter. I want to hold them back, save them. Save them for days when I need them. Because right now I can feel it. I can feel it as tangible as the sheets. As warm as the sun. Its more than words. These tiny, perfect syllables. Little drops of sunshine on my skin.

A little bit of everything.

_He sipped another rum and coke and told a dirty joke.  
Walking like Groucho sucking on a number 10.  
Rolling on the floor with the cigarette burns, walked in._

The porch floor is sandy and rough. Rounded holes, thrusting nails, slick splinters under toes. My bare feet touch it brazenly. Pad across the weathered wood, two sweating plastic cups in my hands. The sticky taste of lukewarm beer in my mouth. The smell of cigarettes in my nose. Salt all over my skin. Pouding music in my ears- something like 311 or Pepper. Something beachy. Spring break-y. Which makes sense.

I find my way back to our claimed beach chairs. Plastic and metal, ripped in places. Postioned perfectly on the porch, right in front of a gap in the rail. Pushed close together so our hands can entwine without reaching. They don't stare as much anymore. It doesn't mean they don't care. Just means they're getting over it.

I hand her the red cup and take my seat. She slides her finger over a drop of water rolling down the side. Rubs it onto my bare leg. Then smirks. I roll my eyes and laugh. She takes a long sip. Eyes on the beach. Rolling waves, mute due to the music. Barely visible sand in the dark night.

"Wanna go swimming?" She asks, turning her head to me. With a devilish smirk on her face. I crease my eyebrows. Judging her seriousness. She raises hers. I smile.

"Yeah." I place the cup on the porch. Reach my hand out for her's. She grabs it, lets me pull her up. Lets me tug her down the stairs, then slides her hand across the small of my back. Pushes sand with her toes onto my sticky legs. Brushes hips and shoulder and spreads warmth. The guys at the bonfire are watching with barely covered stares. Eyes sneaking back to follow our path, hands paused on footballs, beers halfway to mouth. I blush a little. Ashley rolls her eyes and flips them off.

"Hey Jason, you might want to watch that!" She calls out to them. The guy glances down to where she gestures. The rest of their eyes follows. Below him, his towel is burning bright orange in the sand.

"Shit!" He hops off it, kicks sand in the direction. Shoots Ashley an embarrassed glance. She just rolls her eyes. So cool and contained, arm steady around me. Stepping up in grand style, with every bit of quiet, charming courage she has. Our feet slide across the sand. Continue into the dark privacy the night affords. When our feet brush the cool water, she lets go of me.

She steps back and crosses her arms over her tank. Slides her fingers under the cloth. My eyes shoot back to guys. She takes off her shirt and I grin and shake my head. Placing my hands on my shirt, sliding it off myself.

"Are you sure..?" I look back at the guys, a little doubt in my eyes. She chuckles.

"What? Are they gonna steal our clothes and hide 'em?" She reaches out for my hand. I just laugh and hit it away. Unbutton my skirt before I let that slip of nervousness freak me out. I slide it down and step into calf deep water. Tossing her skirt onto the sand, she follows. She presses her body against mine. There's a shoot of nervous deep in my stomach. A slight need to look back at the shore, to watch for some sort of danger. But she's here, touching me. Taking my hand and with it my hesitation. Maybe I should be hesitant. Maybe she's had more to drink than me. Maybe I should pull us both out of the water and just go home. Return to utter privacy. Forsake this quiet thrill.

She kisses me. Pushes her mouth against mine in half-drunken clumsiness, but she's still amazing at it. Still tracing just the right spots. Sliding her hands down perfectly. Waves splashing cool drops onto our thighs.

I kind of forget to leave.

_I missed the crush and I'm home again._

_Stepping through the door with an whiling just an hour away._

_Stepping to the sky and the star bright feeling its a brighter day._

Mom's at the head of the table. Back straight just to show us how, napkin in her lap, eyes on the whole table. Quick, sharp eyes and an even sharper smile. An even quicker mouth.

She doesn't really scare me.

Anymore.

Dad's eyes are on his food. Studying the lasagna for a flaw, I'm sure. He won't find one. His is the best. He glances up, maybe feeling my eyes on him. Maybe tapping into that weird father thing that he has a handle on. He grins, wide and friendly. I smile back.

Glen's head is bent over the food. Concentrating more on getting it in his mouth than tasting it. He seriously has half the lasagna on his plate. He seriously must be stupid. He is so dumbly lovable, so accepting. So quick, just under the surface. He has that edge my mom does. He doesn't carry the same mean streak.

Clay's barely picking at his food. Nervous about meeting Chelsea and his baby tomorrow. I am just as nervous. Bringing up old memories and a past that barely holds that title has him sketchy. Fork limp in his hand. He'll be fine. He has us. And maybe he doesn't know it, but he has Chelsea. And he definitely doesn't know it, but he has the world at his fingertips.

Ashley's beside me. The newest and definitely most out of place addition to the family. Biting into a hunk of lasagna and flicking her eyes through the awkward silence. The girl who blows off curious guys, but hesitates around my family. Her second family dinner and she's already a victim of the Carlin death silence. My mom's eyes are trained on her.

They know.

Glen already did, Clay always has, and my dad admitted that he found out last year. My mom flipped. But this is me now and who I have been and Ashley hasn't backed down yet. That helped. Mom cried and yelled and did a little physcho bitch on me. I survived. In fact, it was easier than I expected.

Ashley's foot bumps mine under the table. She glances over when I touch my bare foot against her's.

"Spencer!" She mouths quickly, sending me a hard look. I grin. She's nervous. I run my toes under her jeans. She yanks her foot away, banging it loudly on her chair. Four heads come up, eyes on us. She blushes.

She actually blushes.

"Oops." She apologizes. I bury my smile and look into my plate.

"So, Ashley." My mom takes this as a cue to lay into Ashley. Ashley meets her eyes nervously. She admitted to me that Paula scares the bejeezus out of her. I rest a hand on her leg. "Why Spencer?"

"Ok, I think we're done." I smile brightly, sliding out of my seat. I want to know- I want to ask myself. I do not want my mom to hear the answer. Ashley follows me, scooping up her plate. Sending Mom a relieved smile.

We clang our plates into the sink. I shake my head and smile. Turn to Ashley who looks out of place in this pristine white and yellow room. She lives in dark the way I live in warmth.

"Sorry." I apologize for my mom. She shakes her head and breathes out. Rolling her eyes heavenward.

"Your mom. Is crazy." She says quietly. Like Mom can hear us two rooms away. I chuckle. She follows me up the stairs.

"Yeah."

_When you find that things are getting wilder, dont you want days like these?_

Its finally warmer outside. The sun is finally peering out in the morning and not retreating until late afternoon. Finally burning bright and hot down on us. Unfourtunately, its five in the morning and the sun hasn't made an appearance yet. Morning practice sucks. The moon's still hanging high. The sky's grey and cool. The car is warm and safe and so familiar after months of riding in it.

Ashley's behind the wheel, gazing out onto the mostly empty street. I find myself staring. She is so gorgeous. Hair pulled back and curly, in a t-shirt and shorts. So completely mine and comfortable. Morning like these I feel on top of the world. I feel untouchable. I feel like I'm her's.

I am so in love with her.

With the way she taps her fingers on the wheel in time with the music, and doesn't even realize she's doing it. The way she wears her beat up brown flips flops everywhere when its warm. Her long basketball shorts and the tournament shirt hanging loose on her. The hair band around her neck. The silver ring on her finger and the matching one on mine.

How I know all of this- how I've seen it all so many times. How each ones hold a memory. So that even when I've run out of new things on her, I just love the old ones even more. The way I've come to realize that I can never run out of new things. We change and shift and laugh every day and annoy the hell out of our friends with our bliss. The tiny fights that we bitch at each other about, only to make up the next morning. Or that night, with Ashley coercing Mom into lettting her inside the house.

Hell, I sound lovesick.

Her body and the way I know every inch of it. Every freckle and muscle and scar. Her arm stretched to the wheel, lean and tan, has been around me so many times. Has melted to my form and belongs somewhere on me. Feels natural.

Spencer and Ashley.

Everyone knows us, who we are, what we are to each other. Even our basketball coach, who tells us to cool the PDA. Even the principal, who just kind of sighs when she sees us. We've broken every rule and I don't see why we should stop now.

Not everything's perfect. I don't think its supposed to be.

She turns to me and smiles, white teeth against brown skin. I grin back, caught staring, and reach for the radio station. She catches my hand.

"I like this song."

"You like every song." I tease and pull her fingers from the knob. She grabs on and starts singing. Turning it up. I grin.

"And I guess that's why they call it the blues! Time on my hands-" I press my hand over her mouth and she swerves left, laughing. I just turn it down.

"Elton John?"

"No, my name's Ashley. You'd think you would know that by now."

"Sorry, you look a little like one of my other girlfriends."

"You look a little like a monkey." I laugh.

"What?" She chuckles, laughing and trying to drive.

"I- I had nothing. Your tank top is distracting."

"Your _face_ is distracting."

"Was that supposed to be insulting, because-" I lean over and kiss her cheek.

"Let's go to McDonalds."

"McDonalds sucks. The color scheme is disgusting."

"You know I love you, right?"

She sighs. She's smiling.

She turns left and pulls in McDonalds.

_When you find that things are getting wilder, don't you need days like these?_


End file.
